Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

State of medicine (the toll on the person and family)

 As I sit here in contemplation, I have to address a particular field. Medicine. 

Mom almost died in 2009.She went to see two different doctors in the same medical practice complaining of flu like symptoms. I made her go to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with diabetes. She was unconscious for three days. The ICU doctor said if I had waited any longer she would have lapsed into a coma and died. I got her to the hospital just in time. Her blood sugar was 1714. 

Right now she is in pain with her knees. Bone on bone. It is hard for her to walk. She has dealt with the pain for years. She is scared to death that she will end up being confined to a wheel chair. She is frightened that she will not be able to have the surgery.

She almost had surgery last week. Her pre-op doc wanted her to see a cardiologist. I agree mom needs to be safe going in for surgery so she will be safe coming out. The timing of all this really sucked. The pre op appt was the week before surgery. The surgery had to be put off until the cardiologist signs off on her having the surgery.

Mom and I went to the stress test appt at the hospital. Mom did the echo cardiogram. Mom had a virtual visit with the cardiologist who stated that he did not have the results for the echo cardiogram yet. Another virtual visit is scheduled for Friday. Maybe he will have the results by then.

Mom called the hospital imaging center. They gave her the run around. I am so sick and tired of of the run around from one doctor office to the next. I call bullshit. No straight answers. There has got to be more centralized or compartmentalized care for people who have to see more than one specialist. It is outrageous that we have all this "well, you need to call . . . " attitude. 

It is stressful to take care of a family member who is ill in some way. It scares me to see my mom fall apart. She is frightened that she will not have the surgery on her knees. She is frightened that she will end up in a wheel chair having to be pushed around. She may give up if she is bound to a wheel chair. She barely has any quality of life right now.

I try to compartmentalize it. I am a realist. I can swing to pessimism or optimism given the situation. I use selfishness to mask my emotions. I become afraid that I will turn off my emotions completely. I do not want to turn my back on my humanity, my soul because the emotions are too intense. I know we all must face these challenges. We do not have a strong support system. Every day is a struggle. Every day we are reminded of them. It is s struggle to stay positive. 

I do not want to lose my mom. I lost my grandmother in 2004. She was my other parent. I took care of her when her health took a bad turn. She had a proliferated ulcer and went to the hospital on a Wednesday. She passed away that following Saturday morning. She was on a ventilator. Mom and I had to make the decision to take her off. Worst moment. 

It is the worst feeling to see mom so frightened and scared. I can't do anything. I can't fix her knees. She is very stubborn. She does not listen to me much. She does regret some things that she should have listened to me on. I do not want her to give up. Her mother gave up. I was four when she died. She quit taking her diabetes medication. She had an infection in her foot. She lapsed into a coma and later passed away.

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA.

It is done and gone. We have to be present and face today. I know mom will get the surgery. It was already scheduled. I ask God to help her have the gift of having knees, to walk again. Her pain to be limited so she can have a better quality of life. 

Hope is eternal. God willing we wake up tomorrow to a new day.. 

Strength of a woman

All I have to say is if you are afraid or worried about dealing with a strong women, step to the curb!

No one is gonna put me down. I am tired of not being the outspoken strong woman I am supposed to be. I can't just not be the quiet coy little girl that people have come to know.

I am tired of being harassed and not having the support from my supervisor and colleagues.

The fear is always with me when it comes to my Panic Disorder. I have suffered in silence for so long. I've had panic attacks and never told anyone. I suffered in silence and moved on. It is the stigma and fear that comes with my issues. I do not want to make it worse by talking about it.

I look at it this way, if you ain't gonna, I am gonna do it. My supervisor does not want to change things for the better of our community. For the greater strength of us united. We have to let those people who break the rules and break the law (we are in transportation industry), they have to go. It is not about his image alone. We made him, we can break him.

Apparently, a can of WHOOP ASS is in order here. I am tired of testifying against people because of someone NOT doing the right thing. 

Strength comes from within. Stay strong and keep a high ethical standard. This will keep you going thru the bullshit and the politics.

Politics - Sometimes I wonder about people

Sometimes I wonder about people.

I have seen a lot of politics in the workplace over the years. I grew up in the retail automotive industry since I was a kid back in Georgia. I've seen politics from Georgia to South Carolina to North Carolina. 

I learned a lot of nasty under handed crap just in the name of politics. I've been the one to purposefully NOT do the nasty things I've learned. It gets you NOWHERE in the long run. It is not a means to an end. You will fall eventually off that ladder of your facade of success. 

It seems that politics have taken over my department. It is a facade of innuendo and word play to cover one's rear end. 

An employee gets suspended for a violation in policy. The said employee turns herself in the same day it occurred.  Suspension took place about two weeks later (after the manager finally got around to it). During the employee's suspension, the violation gets looked at by other employees in the same department and another department. 

This is a violation of policy. It was brought to the manager's attention that the violation had been viewed by others. The manager blew it off as well as the manager's direct supervisor. 

Employee's suspension lasted three weeks and with pay. It was done. Over. Time to move on. Not so quite. A few weeks ago, a driver from another department approached the said employee about the incident. The driver said that she had allegedly seen the video and DSS was coming to get the employee. The employee told her manager who blew it off as innuendo and rumors. This is harassment and it is being allowed. The only thing the employee had told the other driver was if they had a problem with the policy violation, speak to her direct manager. This employee knew that she has a case of harassment.

There are many things that are happening around us that will eventually be one's own downfall. We have people that break rules, violate the law. It is not allowed to have ear phones for the safety of others. Yet, every day we have people that do it. We have people that violate traffic laws that are specific to our industry. Yet, it still happens. A tragedy will eventually happen. Not an IF, but a WHEN. I am going to make sure that it is told. When we have a safety issue, I TOLD YOU SO. 

People use our equipment for personal use. It is not an UBER! Three months 81 did this. I witnessed it three times. I referred the two of the incidents to management. The third time I knew it was NOT worth it. 7979 and 9191 witnessed 8181 do this for three months. it was not a so-and-so saw this and told us. 7979 and 9191 told 8181 to stop, she would get into trouble. All management did was send out an email stating it was a terminable offense. That was sent out before the third time I witnessed the same incident. 

Management wants things to look good for management. Management gets pissed if there is anything that goes against management in any way. 

There were two open positions in the office. I applied for both of them. The management sent a lead office staff out to do some interviews. Management  had NO INTENT on hiring from our department. Management brought in two people from different departments. Another lead was politically forced to another department. This lead was outspoken and smart. The lead that did the mock interviews is a good little soldier who will do as asked. It is all a legal farse. A facade of management's own innuendos and attitudes. Yet, manager does not take well to out spoken people. 

I question whether these people that were brought in has the credentials that were required for the position in the first place.

It is politics by design. Their own design. The palace will burn and we will encourage the flames.  

2020 Wild Ride

It has been another year come and gone.

I have been working for a school district driving a school bus. Two years of politics and bull crap. That is another post.

I came and went at Head Start.  I began my journey of school buses there. I bounced.

2020 has seen its fair share of crap. We have a demented president. A viral pandemic. Economic disaster. Schools are up in the air about re opening to virtual learning or in class instruction or both. That leaves us drivers in turmoil.

I've had a rough year personally. Anxious. Scared. Lonely. Contemplation. Questions. Sickness.   

Mom had been sick with dehydration and severe diarrhea. Finally the doctor diagnosed her with collageanous ulcerative colitis. She is on medication that cost roughly $1200 a month. I was so off balance it affected my work and my mind.

I got suspended from work. I was on paid suspension for three weeks as I was out on leave dealing with a sick parent. 

I finally had the courage to speak up about my anxiety. My supervisor blew me off like a it was nothing. I will blog on that whole mess later. 

I have been trying to keep a rock solid mentality even through the worst of times. 

As of now, I am back on blogging. Steady pace. I need this.

A year of sadness, sorrow, and changes

My inner sadness has been many a wave over the last several months. I’ve managed to tone it low. Some success and some failures have become the marsh of my land.

My journey in life has had difficult points. The hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am.  I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and struggles.

Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional barrier around me: anger and resentment.

I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are normal emotional swings of life.

My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional. Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.

A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and unrealistic.  This dome can be easily destroyed, unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.

Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right. Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.

Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t work. It ain’t gonna work, never!

As I move through grief, I question my life in spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.

My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record. Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!

I do not want to be consumed my whole life by anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.

As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.

Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he knew before we did about Buster and Precious.

The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness. Neither will we.

June Post

It is summer and I am out of school. I have several things I need to do.

First is to study for my CDL Bus permit.

Second is to get a summer job.

Third is to gear up for the new school year.

One of my cats got sick last month. He has hyperthyroidism. He has to take 1/2 pill twice a day. He had a bloody stool. I was freaked out. Apparently there were two things that may have caused it: eating non-food items or eating too much human food. Slipknot is pushy when it comes to what we eat. We will see what happens down the road.

All the personal news is slow. 

New Ally

Last week I realize that I have a new ally in the fight with depression and anxiety. It is an unexpected friend that I thought would never understand my plight. Out of respect for this person, I will not reveal who they are.  I will say welcome and thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me.

I will never gossip about anything. The only thing I will do is get you or someone help if they need it. Only if you are homicidal or suicidal or even have intent.

There is a stigma that will always follow us no matter what we do or where we go. We just don’t tell parts of ourselves. It is something we carry around privately from fear. It is the darkness in light.

 It is in fear of what people may think. People may think we are violent. Not true for the majority of us. There is only a small handful of people that are violent who have mental illness. People often do not know what to say. We are discriminated against. The media has polluted people’s thoughts about mental illness. That is the source of the violence, not the mentally ill.

Know this: we are not below any normally healthy person. We are not violent. We eat, breathe, and bleed like everyone else.

If we can’t put down our fears and lose the misperceptions of mental illness, we will never be able to overcome it. Never. It is in the same pot as racism and prejudice.

We can’t “get over it” nor should we hear it. Try telling a cancer patient or other physically ill to “get over it” and see what happens! You get over your misconceptions about mental illness.

That is all.

Giving up

So many dark clouds hang over me right now. I have become unmanageable.

I reach out and no one understands. My thought processes go unnoticed. I write in literary terms, not too make everything too damn clear. Maybe I speak to the wrong people. People are too comfortable in believing I will always be okay.

Here is the thought for the day: I am NOT okay. Miserable. Anxious. Edgy.

I had a speech to give in my speech class. I was fine and okay until the moment I got up to talk. I lost it. I did not speak clearly. I fumbled on my power point presentation. I knew the material inside and out. I cannot speak in public. I was the last one to go. I had a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. I did everything I could not to lose what control I had left. I do not do well in public. I am a “behind-the-scenes” person.   

I have been able to manage my depression, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. It is boiling over now. I generally know when my periods are close because I feel the PMS cramps a week before. It is only relevant to my misery. All of it is worse the week before and the week of my period. I believe it is PMDD. I step beyond just having PMS like normal women.

I have been crying so much. On the other hand, I feel that I just don’t fucking care. I say the F-word a lot. I say ‘whatever’ a lot. I have anxious feelings where ever I go. I do not want to go anywhere. I sleep too much. I crave ice cream and coffee. I really do not care if we sell the house. I do not care if the house gets cleaned.

I feel that I have scared some people off. Thomas doesn’t talk to me anymore. All I want is a friend who checks in every now and again. I miss Ms. Barbara. She knows how I feel. I took a chance when I was offered opportunities. Everything is so different now. I want it back. I want my friends back! I think Thomas knows I’m broken. I feel like I’m the person on the other side of the tracks that no one wants to talk to.

People tend to be afraid of people like me. I am not violent. I know I’m a good person. People are homeless. Children are homeless. Animals roam the streets. Children, animals, and people are being abused every day. It breaks my heart.

All through time with my demons in tow, I still have managed to be kind hearted, reaching out to people, and trying to make sure that I stay in touch with people that I care about. Some of it seems to go unnoticed. Oh well. I need to be more of a selfish bitch.

I have to do something to get better. I have a few options to get there. I have to be strong enough to get through these dark clouds.

Emotions Depression

I have a lot of things happen to me over the course of several weeks.

First, my car broke down. It is the water pump. The cheapest quote I got was $600 parts and labor. Mom just could not justify fixing it up again. It has an oil leak. I wanted to get it fixed so bad. Just one more time. Just once more! No. Mom and I did not have the money to fix it.

Well, the new job requires me to be at work at 5 AM. Mom and I had to get up around 3:30 AM so she could drop me off. She would drive up to Charlotte so she could be at work at 7 AM. She would get off around 5 PM and pick me up. Charlotte traffic is hell. It would be as late as 6 or 7, sometimes 8 or 9 by the time she picked me up. Go home and straight to bed. Get up and do the same thing. This lasted about 2 weeks or so.

We shopped around for cars. Cheap cars that would fit into a very limited budget. We are stretched very thin as it is. We found a car, finally. It might possibly have transmission problems. Shit. I am driving it right now until whatever happens. We fix it or it falls apart. I went by the insurance place to switch the insurance over to the new car. About $10 more a month. Not too bad. I have not registered the vehicle yet. I have some time to do that. It is managing okay right now. It shifts hard when it's cold. After it warms up, it does well. I stay on edge all the damn time!

Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have hit close to rock bottom emotionally. I have a hard time talking about it. It is almost as hard writing it.  I hold back my tears as hard as I can. This heart can only hold back so much.

I'm at a point where I have overcome something only to feel the emotions that I should have allowed to flow all through the situation. I can't seem to go a day without tears. I have panic attacks around lunch time. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have a few people I trust, I can't hold back the tears to talk to them.

If I tell them, what will they think of me? Weak? I have the fear that the worst will happen. They will feel uncomfortable around me because they won't know what to do or say. They may avoid me all together. I try to tell myself they won't have to worry because my training is almost over. I or they won't have to worry about it.

I am losing my anchor. I can handle change. What outsiders don't understand is that there is more to the situation that I am keeping hid. I don't want to force my hand to tell my dark secrets.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn't be normal. I've had several attacks over the last several months, the waves have been manageable. I am lucky that I have not needed medication to control them. Now, they are back. The irrational fears that come with attacks are back. It's more me crying than almost passing out like I used to. I do not miss those days at all!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is not "official" because it shows up mostly with my panic attacks. Many of the "symptoms" associated with OCD have become personality quirks that are manageable. Although it does flare up from time to time.  It is not about hand washing which is a common thought when it comes to OCD.

One of the main things that is a part of my OCD is counting and organizing. If I count anything, it is in threes. I organize things in order. If it is chaos to you, I know were everything is at.

I've been suffering from depression a long time. It is mostly situational and is very manageable. It can be serious sometimes. I am blessed that I have never been to a point of suicide. I thank God for that.

I do not have many friends. I have casual friends and acquaintances that I do not trust with my heart. All my family is scattered in Georgia and Alabama. The close friends I have are scattered.

I think Thomas feels sorry for me for not having friends. I have tried to talk to him at work a few times. I don't understand him. He is hot and cold. I can't handle that roller coaster. I know Mrs Barbara will listen to me and let me vent. I can understand to a point that Thomas is a manager and he is my boss. I don't want to get him into trouble for anything that looks like we are "too close" at work. I thought he would at least listen to me vent. I just want to talk. He knows I have a crush on him. I don't want romance or anything like that. I just want a friend. Am I asking too much even as a friend? Probably yes in his eyes. Compassion would be nice.

I just don't know right now. It's been a rough start to the year. I just want to say screw you and stay in bed. I have thought that I never wished I woke up. I know that sounds bad. It is what it is. Just tough. Sometimes you're alone no matter what happens. No matter if you reach out or stay in. It's all the same.

Living by my heart, soul

Last night at work I wanted to cry. It is as I figured and proposed. Heartbreak.

My life now is being ruled by my heart. My heart is of love, passion, emotion, soul, care, and goodness. My head is full of logic, anger, contemplation, and indifference. Both seem to find parallel paths in this world and in my life.

 

I found out that Thomas has a 27 year old son and a grand baby. It’s wonderful!!!!!!   J

I told a co-worker that hangs out with him my age. She is his buddy which is cool. He made a comment to the effect that time was running out. Shit! I wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to tell him that I know that already.

My heart tells me that often. I know my fertile years are dwindling down to zero. The sand in the hour glass is unbearable. I don’t want to be intimate with just anyone and end up pregnant. That is not how I want my life to be. I have more integrity now than I did when I was young.

My zone manager wanted me to zone our other department. It is a place of quiet contemplation for me. A co-worker wanted to go with me. I almost told her that I’d like to be by myself. Oh well. I do enjoy teamwork, sometimes I like the quiet contemplation that comes with the other department.

I wonder how I will be able to handle this heartbreak while at work. I’m not going to just quit. I need the job. I have three more months until I can transfer. Logic escapes me as to why I fell so hard for Thomas? I never fell for anyone else like this. I’ve had crushes, this is beyond my scope of logic. I’ve had panic attacks based on this crush or “falling in love” or whatever it is.

All I want to do is erase these last three months. Start over from scratch. I want to cry and scream and be mean. I can’t be a mean bitch like I want to be right now. I want to cover up everything. I want to scream and hit something, tear things up.

I am not sure what will happen at work today. I guess I need to bear the heartache. Hopefully I  can avoid him and my tears.

Tragic Anxiety, A moment of happiness

Today has been rough for me. Too much anxiety and wanting to cry most of the day.  My eye candy, Thomas, apparently was having a tough day as well.
 

 The new guy, Mike, needed a Playstation 4 for a customer. I told him this would be a teachable moment. I asked Thomas if he had the key to the locked area of our stock room. He opened it up. I was explaining to  Mike that we bin and pick to maintain our inventory control. Thomas told me good job as he added what I had missed. Damn, so yummy! Still crushing over him, he made it even better today! Thank you! 

Anyway, Dee had me work on adding DVDs to the new fixture. I was fine until I finished it. I was lost without too much to do. Dee just rubs me the wrong way. I am at wits end. The whole department is being remodeled and re adjusted. This means that I am at a loss as to where everything is at. My OCD is in overdrive because everything has been uprooted. My routine and consistency has to be changed.

I told Angela I had OCD, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I felt better after I spilled it out to someone. I am beginning to get claustrophobia. Maybe it’s everyone who is working at the same time that is making my agoraphobia worse. I have been set in my own way working in the department. Everything has turned my insides outward!

I want so bad to tell my managers that I have issues. I am so scared that I will be rejected, look down on, and be too pitiful for work. I am screwed! At least I can hang on to what little things that have made me happy.

Panic, anxiety, pissed off, and other assortments

Yesterday Thomas walked by me and said hello. My heart melted. That made my day! 

I have asked Ron and Angela about Thomas. Angela said that Thomas has a twin. Angela also told me to talk to Barbara. Barbara went to school with Thomas and his twin. I am venturing out a bit to see what I can find out. 

Ron doesn’t know too much about him. Ron also knows that I have Panic Disorder and panic attacks. I haven’t told him about my OCD yet. 

I was at a cash register the other night when a customer bought some meat. It was leaking. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I asked Chad (store manager) if there were any sanitizing wipes, he said he’ll check. One of the CSM gals found me some. I wiped the whole damn register down! Not to mention my arms, drink, and anything else I could find to wipe down! 

Yesterday, Dee, a zone manager, pissed me off. It was over a palm pilot. I told her I’m usually the one who does online orders cause no one else gives a shit about doing them. I asked Ron if there was ever a person who he barely knew that just rubbed him the wrong damn way or raw. He said yeah. I told him about Dee. He said she is pretty much crass all the time. I would need to let it roll of me cause you never know when she is kidding or serious. Apparently she tends to piss people off regularly.  

I am so tired of people leaving me and others on the floor by ourselves. There is a new guy in the electronics department. On top of that, we are redesigning the whole electronics department. I got stuck with scanning clearance for recalls and NOF items. I just feel that I’m not included in things. 

I’ll be there three months at the end of June. Screw all of them if they want to be queen bitch! I’m a smart and resourceful chick anyway. I am opening up to Ron more so than others. I am trusting him not to betray me.  I hope that we can be friends.

Anxiety

This will be hard to post. I will anyway cuz I need to say it. Get it out of my head.

So much anxiety has been rushing through me like many tidal waves. I grit my teeth too much. My heart palpitates. All of which makes me cringe. I get anxious when mom comes home. 

I have no car. My neighbor is still "working" on it for . . uuummm . . . . 18 months now. I cannot go anywhere. I struggle with going to the store or just out somewhere. I just don't want to anymore. 

I get angry easily. Over things that probably will not be said or done. Ever. Anxiety. It just lives inside of me. I want to be social. My life is changing and I do not see the few friends I do have. I feel as if they are alienated from me at my my own expense, fault. 

So many things I want to do. I can't. Money, friends, anxiety,  and whatever my mind fears will keep me in my own private darkness. I just feel like the whole world is against me, does not like me. Why? Don't understand.

I can barely make it to the community college to turn in my homework and take any tests. 

Anyway, that is my two cents. Money seems to be the need of the country, yet has absolutely no value whatsoever. You can take that to the bank, people.