Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

Strength of a woman

All I have to say is if you are afraid or worried about dealing with a strong women, step to the curb!

No one is gonna put me down. I am tired of not being the outspoken strong woman I am supposed to be. I can't just not be the quiet coy little girl that people have come to know.

I am tired of being harassed and not having the support from my supervisor and colleagues.

The fear is always with me when it comes to my Panic Disorder. I have suffered in silence for so long. I've had panic attacks and never told anyone. I suffered in silence and moved on. It is the stigma and fear that comes with my issues. I do not want to make it worse by talking about it.

I look at it this way, if you ain't gonna, I am gonna do it. My supervisor does not want to change things for the better of our community. For the greater strength of us united. We have to let those people who break the rules and break the law (we are in transportation industry), they have to go. It is not about his image alone. We made him, we can break him.

Apparently, a can of WHOOP ASS is in order here. I am tired of testifying against people because of someone NOT doing the right thing. 

Strength comes from within. Stay strong and keep a high ethical standard. This will keep you going thru the bullshit and the politics.

So the drama continues, I am on point!

Why is it so hard to add a or change a phone number? 😈

I sent someone a text back in May to confirm that I completed a task that was required. That said person text back okay. Now, I find out thru a colleague that a test run was cancelled. This someone made a big ho ha about how a reminder text was sent out and blah blah blah. 

Like . . . . Ya shoulda coulda woulda just said that the thing was cancelled! D'oh. Too much drama llama mama!

This said person is in a supervisory lead role. This said person gets mad when we supposedly cause drama and do things that affect morale. Anything that can cause dissension.

You are part of the problem. All of your politics and facades have caused too much drama which was a problem to start with.

Let me set you straight and on point with this.  

The general vibe and energy in the department says . . . 

First, 

You do not care what goes on or you just do not pay attention.

Second, 

It is a "what he gonna do to me - NOTHING" vibe on in the department.  

Third, 

If someone gets caught, it usually a slap on the hand or swept under the rug. Only if it affects you. It is all about you. Walk that runway!

Case in point. I was told that your supervisor just happened to be in your office when you were watching footage of me. You HAD TO suspend me because he was aware. If he had not known, I would NOT have been suspended. All of it would have been swept under the rung (figuratively speaking).

Fourth, 

You do what suits you to keep up appearances.  

Fifth, 

I see you. You are here, but not here. You are physically here in our department. Your mind and spirit are somewhere else. If I see you, you have a phone attached to your ears. 

Final Thought,

I do not think you truly understand the perspective of your employees. You are around, not in true spirit of what you speak (verbally, emails, etc). You are so detached from us that your appearance is that you DO NOT GIVE A DAMN. 

All in all, you are not a bad person. I believe your management style needs improvement. You are not gonna catch people doing wrong if you do not think like them. If you are gonna catch a criminal, be like one (thought process).