Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

Racism and Peace

In this country, how can we resolve the issue of racism? In simple terms: we cannot eliminate it. Why? Racism, prejudice, and bigotry will always be the darkness looming below the surface of humanity.

Just in the past month, one cop shooting a black man is one too many. As a preschool teacher who is also a bus monitor, I was floored back to reality when a child spoke of cops killing people (on the bus). Why would you expose your child to this injustice and hatred? As a 4-year-old, I knew he was smart enough to make the statement; yet, unable to think through the structural logic of his statement. It is not just a statement. It is an intricate web of social, moral, and racial inequities of our society.

It scare me as well. What will this child do if confronted by law enforcement? I cannot control the future nor can I predict it. I do not know what is in store for our future. I hope that by educating that we can overcome this looming darkness.

I believe we were all made the same on the inside by God. The unique part of us is our personality and skin. How boring would it be if we were all the same? I have 18 children in my classroom. There are about 22 children on my school bus. 40 children I encounter every day. One child can change the course of life in any given way.

Any person who engages in racism or bigotry needs to find some mountain town to live in away from our communities. Leave it at home. Our communities need to be rebuilt by equities by all, not just some.

Violence does not beget violence. It is hard to see past the piece of the puzzle in front of us. Can anyone see that the violence aggravates the broken pieces of humanity? The pieces have to be put together.

We first have to believe. In ourselves and each other. We can live in peace. It is possible. We can live in peace with respect if nothing else. Life is too short to lose people by violence.

We are so artificial.

Gun Violence

I have no utter clue as to what is going on in this world today.

It is scary as hell, folks.

What has caused the surge in massive violence across the globe? It is guns and bombs.

Massive bombings and shootings in foreign countries such as Turkey, France, Nigeria. In some cases, it would be in the name of a God or deity. God does not ask you to kill people. Your mentally ill delusions do. God does have his wrath, not like this. I want these people to get off God and just say why you're doing this: you're a racist sociopath or psychopath.  

I have seen many killings in Afghanistan and Iraq with militants and soldiers. We do not hear about many of those attacks. I'm sure we'd hear it's the "price of war" which is bullshit!

In America, people shooting cops, cops shooting civilians, soldiers shooting inside military bases, and utter bloodshed. All with guns and a mental delusion.

I know that law enforcement officers are out in the communities with targets on their backs everyday. Law enforcement never know what to expect the next time they pull someone over or serve a warrant. Law enforcement should not be killed for any reason. Law enforcement officers risk their lives every day out on the street trying to protect the communities they serve.

Law enforcement officers have a higher standard of duty. They swore an oath to protect. They know not to shoot unless they absolutely have to. Officers are NOT ABOVE THE LAW by any means. Officers should not use excessive force nor a weapon on anyone. If their lives are in danger, it may be justified, only in rare cases. It should not be an everyday thing to use a weapon or excessive force.

It is not just about gun legislation. Yes, we do need stricter laws and regulations on guns. People will find a way around them which should be no surprise. Criminals will probably find a way.

People seem to have lost common sense, ethics, and morality. It is a shame that we have to make laws to cover things that SHOULD BE common sense. D'OH! I'm no genius, I look at people and I think "DAMN, REALLY?". People are fully cocked and half dressed.

I know this country has problems, every other country does as well. Sometimes I wonder if we really are going to hell in a hand basket.

I don't have the answers. We have to find what works to help heal our nation and support others that go through this.

Panic, anxiety, pissed off, and other assortments

Yesterday Thomas walked by me and said hello. My heart melted. That made my day! 

I have asked Ron and Angela about Thomas. Angela said that Thomas has a twin. Angela also told me to talk to Barbara. Barbara went to school with Thomas and his twin. I am venturing out a bit to see what I can find out. 

Ron doesn’t know too much about him. Ron also knows that I have Panic Disorder and panic attacks. I haven’t told him about my OCD yet. 

I was at a cash register the other night when a customer bought some meat. It was leaking. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I asked Chad (store manager) if there were any sanitizing wipes, he said he’ll check. One of the CSM gals found me some. I wiped the whole damn register down! Not to mention my arms, drink, and anything else I could find to wipe down! 

Yesterday, Dee, a zone manager, pissed me off. It was over a palm pilot. I told her I’m usually the one who does online orders cause no one else gives a shit about doing them. I asked Ron if there was ever a person who he barely knew that just rubbed him the wrong damn way or raw. He said yeah. I told him about Dee. He said she is pretty much crass all the time. I would need to let it roll of me cause you never know when she is kidding or serious. Apparently she tends to piss people off regularly.  

I am so tired of people leaving me and others on the floor by ourselves. There is a new guy in the electronics department. On top of that, we are redesigning the whole electronics department. I got stuck with scanning clearance for recalls and NOF items. I just feel that I’m not included in things. 

I’ll be there three months at the end of June. Screw all of them if they want to be queen bitch! I’m a smart and resourceful chick anyway. I am opening up to Ron more so than others. I am trusting him not to betray me.  I hope that we can be friends.

Commercialism

I hope everyone has had a serene holiday. 

It is time now to vent. 

I've been through the madness of the season. Increased traffic, madness inside stores, sour attitudes, and a host of crazy stupid people.

The holiday season is meant to celebrate the triumph of Christian ideology and family traditions of ole. 

We close stores early. Wee little ones eagerly await the arrival of Santa Claus on Christmas day. Sleep is very eluding in lieu of the anxious imp. 

The aroma of food and family enlighten the home with joy, happiness, and fulfillment. Family get-togethers are meaningful to the holiday season.

The traditions of family and many cultures always bring meaning to the holiday season. Irregardless of your beliefs, culture, or religion, the holidays are meant to bring peace and family together.

Why is it that stores are open beyond what is considered normal? Why do we need to spend money on things that we may use only a few times during the year? Things will sit in closets and every nook n' cranny of our houses collecting dust. Then the next holiday we beg for something new. It will collect dust with the other stuff that we have neglected throughout the year.

Many of us do not have a lot of family left. There are some people that commit suicide during the holidays because it is basically too much of a burden. Homeless people sit on street corners or in shelters with no one. 

Animals live where ever they can find a place to stay dry. Sometimes they are lucky enough to be in a good shelter.

You stand in line with the newest toys and the latest fashions. For what? Nothing! If you're lucky the toys and clothes will be used. It may end up broke and begin collecting dust like all the rest.

Here is some advice for all you who go through the Commercialized chaos of the holiday season: save your money!

Donate your time and unused items to the animals and people who are in shelters. Go spend time with the elderly who may never have any visitors. Why should we let people die alone and be alone. 

Commercialism equals asshole-ism. We are so needy, egotistical, and money driven that we ignore those that need us the most. We can take our spirit with us as we depart this physical plane. Not even one item will be allowed on that journey.

The greatest rewards are those that bring joy, peace, and love to others. It isn't just the money that can help others, it is our time and care that mean the most. It leaves a lasting impression. 

Holiday madness!

The holidays have gotten quite bizarre over the last few decades. I'd say the last twenty years at least! One radio station is playing Christmas music already! Thanksgiving is not quite here even! Wow! I see Christmas decorations out, music playing, and the looney tunes have come out. Any other time of year, it is a safe place to live. As the holidays approach, people seem to go off their crazy pills and go completely bizarre! It is a constant fight to get anywhere!

I do not shop for anyone anymore. I send my holiday cards out and my merry wishes for a great new year! There are no children in the house to shop for. All I want to do is get my necessary shopping done. I do not want any extras, no fights, and definitely not a night in jail because a looney tune decided to get hostile! This is what the holidays have come to: COMMERCIALISM! It is all about the buying, not the pure joy of the season.

I am old enough to remember the days when stores weren't open on Sundays. We ate at home most of the time. There may have been a few home town restaraunts open to get a low-cost Sunday dinner. We went to church on Sundays. You can shop at Wal-Mart 24 hours a day any day of the week. There are extended hours everywhere, black fridays after Thanksgiving, and high gas prices which are ridiculous!

I am so tired of dealing with all the bizarre craziness of the holiday season! I have wondered if there is a place that this madness did not exist. If there is, please let me know. I'd love to spend my holidays there instead of this bizarre world that is called "the holidays" - is it just me?

I am truly wishing upon a star that I can survive the madness.