State of medicine (the toll on the person and family)

 As I sit here in contemplation, I have to address a particular field. Medicine. 

Mom almost died in 2009.She went to see two different doctors in the same medical practice complaining of flu like symptoms. I made her go to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with diabetes. She was unconscious for three days. The ICU doctor said if I had waited any longer she would have lapsed into a coma and died. I got her to the hospital just in time. Her blood sugar was 1714. 

Right now she is in pain with her knees. Bone on bone. It is hard for her to walk. She has dealt with the pain for years. She is scared to death that she will end up being confined to a wheel chair. She is frightened that she will not be able to have the surgery.

She almost had surgery last week. Her pre-op doc wanted her to see a cardiologist. I agree mom needs to be safe going in for surgery so she will be safe coming out. The timing of all this really sucked. The pre op appt was the week before surgery. The surgery had to be put off until the cardiologist signs off on her having the surgery.

Mom and I went to the stress test appt at the hospital. Mom did the echo cardiogram. Mom had a virtual visit with the cardiologist who stated that he did not have the results for the echo cardiogram yet. Another virtual visit is scheduled for Friday. Maybe he will have the results by then.

Mom called the hospital imaging center. They gave her the run around. I am so sick and tired of of the run around from one doctor office to the next. I call bullshit. No straight answers. There has got to be more centralized or compartmentalized care for people who have to see more than one specialist. It is outrageous that we have all this "well, you need to call . . . " attitude. 

It is stressful to take care of a family member who is ill in some way. It scares me to see my mom fall apart. She is frightened that she will not have the surgery on her knees. She is frightened that she will end up in a wheel chair having to be pushed around. She may give up if she is bound to a wheel chair. She barely has any quality of life right now.

I try to compartmentalize it. I am a realist. I can swing to pessimism or optimism given the situation. I use selfishness to mask my emotions. I become afraid that I will turn off my emotions completely. I do not want to turn my back on my humanity, my soul because the emotions are too intense. I know we all must face these challenges. We do not have a strong support system. Every day is a struggle. Every day we are reminded of them. It is s struggle to stay positive. 

I do not want to lose my mom. I lost my grandmother in 2004. She was my other parent. I took care of her when her health took a bad turn. She had a proliferated ulcer and went to the hospital on a Wednesday. She passed away that following Saturday morning. She was on a ventilator. Mom and I had to make the decision to take her off. Worst moment. 

It is the worst feeling to see mom so frightened and scared. I can't do anything. I can't fix her knees. She is very stubborn. She does not listen to me much. She does regret some things that she should have listened to me on. I do not want her to give up. Her mother gave up. I was four when she died. She quit taking her diabetes medication. She had an infection in her foot. She lapsed into a coma and later passed away.

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA.

It is done and gone. We have to be present and face today. I know mom will get the surgery. It was already scheduled. I ask God to help her have the gift of having knees, to walk again. Her pain to be limited so she can have a better quality of life. 

Hope is eternal. God willing we wake up tomorrow to a new day.. 

Racism and Peace

In this country, how can we resolve the issue of racism? In simple terms: we cannot eliminate it. Why? Racism, prejudice, and bigotry will always be the darkness looming below the surface of humanity.

Just in the past month, one cop shooting a black man is one too many. As a preschool teacher who is also a bus monitor, I was floored back to reality when a child spoke of cops killing people (on the bus). Why would you expose your child to this injustice and hatred? As a 4-year-old, I knew he was smart enough to make the statement; yet, unable to think through the structural logic of his statement. It is not just a statement. It is an intricate web of social, moral, and racial inequities of our society.

It scare me as well. What will this child do if confronted by law enforcement? I cannot control the future nor can I predict it. I do not know what is in store for our future. I hope that by educating that we can overcome this looming darkness.

I believe we were all made the same on the inside by God. The unique part of us is our personality and skin. How boring would it be if we were all the same? I have 18 children in my classroom. There are about 22 children on my school bus. 40 children I encounter every day. One child can change the course of life in any given way.

Any person who engages in racism or bigotry needs to find some mountain town to live in away from our communities. Leave it at home. Our communities need to be rebuilt by equities by all, not just some.

Violence does not beget violence. It is hard to see past the piece of the puzzle in front of us. Can anyone see that the violence aggravates the broken pieces of humanity? The pieces have to be put together.

We first have to believe. In ourselves and each other. We can live in peace. It is possible. We can live in peace with respect if nothing else. Life is too short to lose people by violence.

We are so artificial.

A year of sadness, sorrow, and changes

My inner sadness has been many a wave over the last several months. I’ve managed to tone it low. Some success and some failures have become the marsh of my land.

My journey in life has had difficult points. The hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am.  I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and struggles.

Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional barrier around me: anger and resentment.

I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are normal emotional swings of life.

My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional. Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.

A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and unrealistic.  This dome can be easily destroyed, unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.

Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right. Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.

Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t work. It ain’t gonna work, never!

As I move through grief, I question my life in spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.

My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record. Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!

I do not want to be consumed my whole life by anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.

As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.

Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he knew before we did about Buster and Precious.

The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness. Neither will we.

Childless mother

According to Google . . . . . .

Fate is the development of events beyond a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power. Destiny is the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future. So, it seems fate has more control than destiny.

 

I am almost 40 years old. I’ve been an introvert most of my life. I’ve never been on a formal date with a guy. I am single with no children. My maternal need for children is strong. I have realized that certain things will not happen to me. Things such as marriage and children. My heart hurts and breaks at this. I have been trying to find some resolve to this fact. It is not working. I’ve been looking at men in a different perspective lately. This drive is very saddening for me. It scares me so much that I will lose the opportunity.

 

My life has had so many detours. Some have been my own doing. Others have not been. I’ve come a long way since I was a teenager.

 

I am not a whore nor am I promiscuous in any way. I don’t believe in having sex with a stranger just to create a child. I am a bit more old-fashioned than I ever imagined myself to be. I want to be in love with a guy and have a family. It is a hard task that will never leave my bucket list.

 

The sorrow is very overwhelming. The drive is just as overwhelming.

 

I want to feel what it is like to be pregnant. To hold my child after birth knowing I have such a precious gift. My heart says that I will be a great mother.

 

I am not sure if I want to work in the education field because of this strong desire. I will never take a child away from his mother unless the child is in immediate danger.

 

It just hurts.

Emotions Depression

I have a lot of things happen to me over the course of several weeks.

First, my car broke down. It is the water pump. The cheapest quote I got was $600 parts and labor. Mom just could not justify fixing it up again. It has an oil leak. I wanted to get it fixed so bad. Just one more time. Just once more! No. Mom and I did not have the money to fix it.

Well, the new job requires me to be at work at 5 AM. Mom and I had to get up around 3:30 AM so she could drop me off. She would drive up to Charlotte so she could be at work at 7 AM. She would get off around 5 PM and pick me up. Charlotte traffic is hell. It would be as late as 6 or 7, sometimes 8 or 9 by the time she picked me up. Go home and straight to bed. Get up and do the same thing. This lasted about 2 weeks or so.

We shopped around for cars. Cheap cars that would fit into a very limited budget. We are stretched very thin as it is. We found a car, finally. It might possibly have transmission problems. Shit. I am driving it right now until whatever happens. We fix it or it falls apart. I went by the insurance place to switch the insurance over to the new car. About $10 more a month. Not too bad. I have not registered the vehicle yet. I have some time to do that. It is managing okay right now. It shifts hard when it's cold. After it warms up, it does well. I stay on edge all the damn time!

Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have hit close to rock bottom emotionally. I have a hard time talking about it. It is almost as hard writing it.  I hold back my tears as hard as I can. This heart can only hold back so much.

I'm at a point where I have overcome something only to feel the emotions that I should have allowed to flow all through the situation. I can't seem to go a day without tears. I have panic attacks around lunch time. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have a few people I trust, I can't hold back the tears to talk to them.

If I tell them, what will they think of me? Weak? I have the fear that the worst will happen. They will feel uncomfortable around me because they won't know what to do or say. They may avoid me all together. I try to tell myself they won't have to worry because my training is almost over. I or they won't have to worry about it.

I am losing my anchor. I can handle change. What outsiders don't understand is that there is more to the situation that I am keeping hid. I don't want to force my hand to tell my dark secrets.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn't be normal. I've had several attacks over the last several months, the waves have been manageable. I am lucky that I have not needed medication to control them. Now, they are back. The irrational fears that come with attacks are back. It's more me crying than almost passing out like I used to. I do not miss those days at all!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is not "official" because it shows up mostly with my panic attacks. Many of the "symptoms" associated with OCD have become personality quirks that are manageable. Although it does flare up from time to time.  It is not about hand washing which is a common thought when it comes to OCD.

One of the main things that is a part of my OCD is counting and organizing. If I count anything, it is in threes. I organize things in order. If it is chaos to you, I know were everything is at.

I've been suffering from depression a long time. It is mostly situational and is very manageable. It can be serious sometimes. I am blessed that I have never been to a point of suicide. I thank God for that.

I do not have many friends. I have casual friends and acquaintances that I do not trust with my heart. All my family is scattered in Georgia and Alabama. The close friends I have are scattered.

I think Thomas feels sorry for me for not having friends. I have tried to talk to him at work a few times. I don't understand him. He is hot and cold. I can't handle that roller coaster. I know Mrs Barbara will listen to me and let me vent. I can understand to a point that Thomas is a manager and he is my boss. I don't want to get him into trouble for anything that looks like we are "too close" at work. I thought he would at least listen to me vent. I just want to talk. He knows I have a crush on him. I don't want romance or anything like that. I just want a friend. Am I asking too much even as a friend? Probably yes in his eyes. Compassion would be nice.

I just don't know right now. It's been a rough start to the year. I just want to say screw you and stay in bed. I have thought that I never wished I woke up. I know that sounds bad. It is what it is. Just tough. Sometimes you're alone no matter what happens. No matter if you reach out or stay in. It's all the same.

Passing Through

I’ve been having a hard time with my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him.  I feel screwed all the way around on romance at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.

I dropped off my readmission application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off request. At least I got that much.

Thursday night I had a severe emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.

Mom and I went to several Goodwill stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart.  It had been raining on and off all weekend.

I feel as though I am only passing through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp.  I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much.  I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin. Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen now does it?  It seems that I am eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.