My journey in life has had difficult points. The
hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am. I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand
I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and
struggles.
Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into
life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my
difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a
youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional
barrier around me: anger and resentment.
I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I
wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried
with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are
normal emotional swings of life.
My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as
I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my
heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional.
Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.
A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and
unrealistic. This dome can be easily destroyed,
unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.
Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at
once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur
babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think
I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right.
Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about
it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.
Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish
for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times
I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need
and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t
work. It ain’t gonna work, never!
As I move through grief, I question my life in
spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the
psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.
My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It
drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record.
Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!
I do not want to be consumed my whole life by
anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away
when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help
to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.
As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster
and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the
grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My
pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying
that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.
Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for
Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he
knew before we did about Buster and Precious.
The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness.
Neither will we.
