Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

Unique disposition & Empowerment of expresssion

 I have realized that I am in a unique disposition in life. A place I have never thought I would be in. A strong woman and outspoken. I require a strong man to be by my side.

The guy I consider one of my best friends is a teenager in an adult body. The guy has a heart of gold. He always has sex on the brain. I am not interested in him like that. There are physical reasons why, I am respectfully NOT mentioning flaws because I have plenty. It is all perception. Beauty. Ugly. Flaws. We can go on and on. Stop on it now. He is not qualified for what I need in my life. I will not kick him to the curb. It is one thing for people to drift apart, another to step people to the curb for petty trite bull shit. 

I do tend to have a personal love / hate crush on my tech, Steve. I do not mind stating it here. I feel comfortable saying it. I had a crush on my other tech, Tim. I can not quite put my finger on what made me have a crush on Steve. I figure it may be a sense of him as a rebel or bad ass. I do not know much about him personally. I want to. Whatever place either of are in, we still can talk.

I am in this unique place of self expression. I feel confident in speaking my mind. Professionally. Personally. I am empathic. I feel what others are feeling. I can turn it off or dial it down sometimes if I am around people that I have no connection to.

I feel empowered to be able to visually express words. It is the written word that I am best at when it comes to being personal. I am skimming on the surface many times. I journal those deep emotions and thoughts. I am empowered to express my thoughts. I want to empower myself for oration. I do not want to be an orator. I do not do public speaking. Someday give an oration. 

It is about empowerment of my personal expression. To express my thoughts respectfully and thoughtfully to others without hesitation. I can be coy as needed. I will no longer be the sweet little girl. The nice coy girl who just does. Not the good little soldier. If you can not take criticism, then get off my bus.

To Steve, "Thinking of you" by Christian Kane 

religion philspohy

I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ and his almighty grace. It’s grace alone by one’s faith that we are to get to heaven.

One fundamental question remains with me.

Why twist a religious belief to fit one’s own agenda?

Do they not know that they will be banished to hell for eternity for their selfish needs? It is a false righteousness that leads them down the path of hell.

This is a philosophical question that will never satiate the need for answers.

HEARTBREAK, OTHER ITEMS

I can see that I may have set myself up for a heart break. Thomas was working Sunday. I am off Sundays.  I stopped by to see my department manager about adding a job code so I can get more hours. He recommended I talk to the managers who oversee the front end. I think Thomas was in a bad mood. I swear he had a small goatee under his lip. I spoke to Miss Barbara yesterday and she said it wasn’t his twin because his twin does not do that kind of work. I don’t know. It all threw me off a bit.

Sometimes when he is in a bad mood, it hurts my heart. I feel him emotionally. I feel that I may have set myself up to break my own heart. I allowed myself to become emotional over Thomas. I have a hard time handling these new emotional changes. I don’t understand them yet. Maybe I never will. I don’t like being on an emotional roller coaster at all. I’ve never felt so overthrown by emotion over a guy before. It is scary and unknown. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable; I want to get to know him and find out if we can work. I will do what it takes even if I have to find another job.

Mom had a rough weekend. She had three days off that were wrecked by a severe toothache. She went to the dentist yesterday to have it extracted. I left my keys in her car on Sunday. I was looking for a shirt she thought was in the car. Of course I did not realize I didn’t have keys until 30 minutes before I was scheduled to go to work. Mom had to turn around from work to give me keys. I was over an hour late for work. Shitty Monday.

I was in another department all day. I go back to my department and find 2 buggies of stuff that wasn’t worked. I get frustrated because there was an item that needed to be locked up that was sitting out for someone to steal. Luckily one of the third shift personnel offered to put up the items in my department. The buggy I had full of stuff I could not finish because my shift was up. I wonder what will happen today because I wasn’t able to do everything I needed to do. Oh, I will be speaking my mind about the buggies full of items that were supposed to be worked and weren’t!

Missing my eye candy (Thomas)

I do not want to make people uncomfortable. I have never felt like this towards a guy before. I hope that I do not make him (Thomas) uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.


I have a hard time trusting people. I have been burned and stabbed in the back by people who I allowed into my heart and soul only to f**k me over. Royally.

I have told one person about my "eye candy" at work. I have this fear, whether rational or irrational, that everything will blow up in my face and my heart will be crushed. This heart fluttering and anxiety makes me wanna cry. It scares me a little bit.

He has been on vacation since last Tuesday. He was at work, so I heard, on Monday. Yeah, I was off!!! He has not been back. I'm off today (Thursday). Not sure if he is at work today. Frustrating.

What am I gonna do?? I'm just at my wits end right now.

Closer to fine (indigo Girls) Philosophy

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

Broken (Lifehouse)

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Guy Crush

Thomas.
Tall, handsome, smart, just all around cool guy. Doesn't do fruit.

I've been crushing on this guy for a few weeks.

Last night was different.

He is going on vay-cay (vacation). Wow, my eye candy not around.

I got off at 7. He got off at 8. I didn't feel like going home. I stayed at work looking for Thomas. A bit stalkish I know. I just wanted to know what car he drove. Still don't quite know.

I just wanted to cry. Panic. Fear. All set in about 5:30. I was the only one in my department for an hour or so. I got flustered, no one was there to tell me to breathe. I was having a panic attack. I was fine after Andy came in. After I got to my car, it all set in again. I have been doing good until now.

Shame and doubt. Fear and vulnerability. Self-esteem at a low point.

I'm trying to lose weight myself. I've made a commitment and have lost a few pounds already. I want to be skinnier. Not too skinny. Still want to have some meat on my bones.

I am having trouble dealing with my emotions. This guy I hardly know has somehow twisted me all out of shape.

Passionate. Emotional. Raw. Tell-it-like-it-is. Smart-ass. Comical. Loyal. Spontaneous. Loving. Painfully shy at times. Hardened exterior.

Why is it so hard for me to find a guy like Thomas? I am so "wanting-to-know-more" about him, it is driving me crazy.

This crush is intense. I may be obsessive, never will I stalk anyone. My emotions are intense. Fighting back tears as I post this. Not sure what is happening to me. Wish I could bounce it off people. No one is around to do that.

Just want feedback.

Anxiety

This will be hard to post. I will anyway cuz I need to say it. Get it out of my head.

So much anxiety has been rushing through me like many tidal waves. I grit my teeth too much. My heart palpitates. All of which makes me cringe. I get anxious when mom comes home. 

I have no car. My neighbor is still "working" on it for . . uuummm . . . . 18 months now. I cannot go anywhere. I struggle with going to the store or just out somewhere. I just don't want to anymore. 

I get angry easily. Over things that probably will not be said or done. Ever. Anxiety. It just lives inside of me. I want to be social. My life is changing and I do not see the few friends I do have. I feel as if they are alienated from me at my my own expense, fault. 

So many things I want to do. I can't. Money, friends, anxiety,  and whatever my mind fears will keep me in my own private darkness. I just feel like the whole world is against me, does not like me. Why? Don't understand.

I can barely make it to the community college to turn in my homework and take any tests. 

Anyway, that is my two cents. Money seems to be the need of the country, yet has absolutely no value whatsoever. You can take that to the bank, people. 

Religion (part 1)

For many years of dark solitude, I have been discouraged by christianity. By my own ignorance and blatant stupidity. My mom and I have rejoined the christian community this year. On a very deep intellectual level, I want to understand the bible, I never read it. I slightly know Psalms 25. If I understand the bible, I am can make an arguement on my behalf. I am a dark entity even as I walk into church every Sunday morning. I never lost my faith in God. The church has been a disgrace and a dishonor to an honest faith of the people. This is where my disdain lies. Many elders and preachers and the like have corrupted young children within the corporate worship of church. Religion is a personal walk with Jesus Christ as an individual, not as a cult or fascist government.

My dark solitude seems to be part of the core of my personality. I feel as though I can balance the spectrum once I have a greater understanding of christianity. We will see as the months roll on regarding this issue.

Chosen Paths

There are many paths to choose in this physical life. My heart and soul are taking a new path as I have allowed this new freedom. The doors that have closed and those that have been ajar have lost an appeal. Maybe a break is due from these wretched sins! A sense of loneliness, despairity linger within. An angry little girl watching the world around her begging for her own happiness. Fear, rather irrational, cause quite thet concern amongst the whispering public. I seem to have failed at social emotionalism quite long ago. Social isolation has created frankenstein in lamb's clothing. I no longer seem to care nor act as if so when I am in public. Horror as it is has been quite disturbing to my soul. This bears me somewhat toward obscure paths for my dark nature. The paths that I am walking may lead to happiness. I presume, rather assume, that is will. History has shown that many new paths have not. Some of which were my fault, some others. May the journey take me to new places . . . peace be with you!

Who I am (c) 2008

I am an individual.
A distinction from the rest.
I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister.
I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart.
I live a quiet existence,
On the edge of living - alone and cold.
I watch, learn, experience, observe
Life as it changes seasons.
Life is the instructor, I am the student.
Rain falls into darkness - me.
Pushing forward through my tears
Of sorrow and joy - alone I am.
I walk through the rain for you
Always hoping to find my rainbow.
Something called life and living.
A journey I must take -
Alone with sorrow and pain.
I need to understand why I am here.
I am a lifelong learner - eternally.
No matter what the world weather may bring.
I live by my emotions and my heart.
This quiet existence, will anyone know or hear me?
Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?
I believe through my intelleigence.
The sets me from the rest,
My emotions make me human, alone.
Emotions -
I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate.
My horizons expand from dusk till dawn.
I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow.
The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am.
Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears.
To share and love what has become of me -
In the end, I will know a purpose -
My purpose - Who I am!

I wrote this for a college class in 2008. I shared it with a man I admire and wish to know. He appreciated my thoughts. It seems the people I think are so close to me in sorrow are the furtherest from me. We all tend to be alone.