Strength of a woman

All I have to say is if you are afraid or worried about dealing with a strong women, step to the curb!

No one is gonna put me down. I am tired of not being the outspoken strong woman I am supposed to be. I can't just not be the quiet coy little girl that people have come to know.

I am tired of being harassed and not having the support from my supervisor and colleagues.

The fear is always with me when it comes to my Panic Disorder. I have suffered in silence for so long. I've had panic attacks and never told anyone. I suffered in silence and moved on. It is the stigma and fear that comes with my issues. I do not want to make it worse by talking about it.

I look at it this way, if you ain't gonna, I am gonna do it. My supervisor does not want to change things for the better of our community. For the greater strength of us united. We have to let those people who break the rules and break the law (we are in transportation industry), they have to go. It is not about his image alone. We made him, we can break him.

Apparently, a can of WHOOP ASS is in order here. I am tired of testifying against people because of someone NOT doing the right thing. 

Strength comes from within. Stay strong and keep a high ethical standard. This will keep you going thru the bullshit and the politics.

A year of sadness, sorrow, and changes

My inner sadness has been many a wave over the last several months. I’ve managed to tone it low. Some success and some failures have become the marsh of my land.

My journey in life has had difficult points. The hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am.  I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and struggles.

Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional barrier around me: anger and resentment.

I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are normal emotional swings of life.

My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional. Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.

A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and unrealistic.  This dome can be easily destroyed, unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.

Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right. Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.

Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t work. It ain’t gonna work, never!

As I move through grief, I question my life in spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.

My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record. Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!

I do not want to be consumed my whole life by anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.

As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.

Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he knew before we did about Buster and Precious.

The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness. Neither will we.

HEARTBREAK, OTHER ITEMS

I can see that I may have set myself up for a heart break. Thomas was working Sunday. I am off Sundays.  I stopped by to see my department manager about adding a job code so I can get more hours. He recommended I talk to the managers who oversee the front end. I think Thomas was in a bad mood. I swear he had a small goatee under his lip. I spoke to Miss Barbara yesterday and she said it wasn’t his twin because his twin does not do that kind of work. I don’t know. It all threw me off a bit.

Sometimes when he is in a bad mood, it hurts my heart. I feel him emotionally. I feel that I may have set myself up to break my own heart. I allowed myself to become emotional over Thomas. I have a hard time handling these new emotional changes. I don’t understand them yet. Maybe I never will. I don’t like being on an emotional roller coaster at all. I’ve never felt so overthrown by emotion over a guy before. It is scary and unknown. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable; I want to get to know him and find out if we can work. I will do what it takes even if I have to find another job.

Mom had a rough weekend. She had three days off that were wrecked by a severe toothache. She went to the dentist yesterday to have it extracted. I left my keys in her car on Sunday. I was looking for a shirt she thought was in the car. Of course I did not realize I didn’t have keys until 30 minutes before I was scheduled to go to work. Mom had to turn around from work to give me keys. I was over an hour late for work. Shitty Monday.

I was in another department all day. I go back to my department and find 2 buggies of stuff that wasn’t worked. I get frustrated because there was an item that needed to be locked up that was sitting out for someone to steal. Luckily one of the third shift personnel offered to put up the items in my department. The buggy I had full of stuff I could not finish because my shift was up. I wonder what will happen today because I wasn’t able to do everything I needed to do. Oh, I will be speaking my mind about the buggies full of items that were supposed to be worked and weren’t!

Live by the heart, not the head

I am still crushing on Thomas. I know, I know. It gets old.

I have heart palpitations, I can’t seem to talk to him. I don’t understand these feelings I am having. It is very scary for me. I’ve had crushes before, none like this. I just want to cry. How can I be myself when I can barely speak normally and not feel so out of touch?

All I want to do at work when Thomas is there is hang out with him. I want to stare at him, ask questions about him, and talk about stuff.

Of course I feel like blabbing everything about me to him. Except my dark, gothic side. I’m not into any wild, dark kinky weird shit. I love metal and metal heads. Tattoos of course. I would get his name tattooed on me somewhere of his choosing.

I have plans today. Make a car payment, pay my phone bill, and join a gym. I need to lose 70 pounds. I am starting at 70 to get me started on losing weight and getting some muscle. I do not want to look bulky or anything similar. I just want to lose weight so maybe I can have a better chance with Thomas.

Maybe one day he can read my blogs about him. Yesterday he talked to me. My heart fluttered. I was in such a good mood. I hate being so shy! I just can’t seem to tell him. I get choked up, I want to cry, my anxiety is through the roof, and I say all the wrong things around him. Yeah, that is the scope of it right now.

I need to quit before I get all antsy and pass out!

Tragic Anxiety, A moment of happiness

Today has been rough for me. Too much anxiety and wanting to cry most of the day.  My eye candy, Thomas, apparently was having a tough day as well.
 

 The new guy, Mike, needed a Playstation 4 for a customer. I told him this would be a teachable moment. I asked Thomas if he had the key to the locked area of our stock room. He opened it up. I was explaining to  Mike that we bin and pick to maintain our inventory control. Thomas told me good job as he added what I had missed. Damn, so yummy! Still crushing over him, he made it even better today! Thank you! 

Anyway, Dee had me work on adding DVDs to the new fixture. I was fine until I finished it. I was lost without too much to do. Dee just rubs me the wrong way. I am at wits end. The whole department is being remodeled and re adjusted. This means that I am at a loss as to where everything is at. My OCD is in overdrive because everything has been uprooted. My routine and consistency has to be changed.

I told Angela I had OCD, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I felt better after I spilled it out to someone. I am beginning to get claustrophobia. Maybe it’s everyone who is working at the same time that is making my agoraphobia worse. I have been set in my own way working in the department. Everything has turned my insides outward!

I want so bad to tell my managers that I have issues. I am so scared that I will be rejected, look down on, and be too pitiful for work. I am screwed! At least I can hang on to what little things that have made me happy.

Panic, anxiety, pissed off, and other assortments

Yesterday Thomas walked by me and said hello. My heart melted. That made my day! 

I have asked Ron and Angela about Thomas. Angela said that Thomas has a twin. Angela also told me to talk to Barbara. Barbara went to school with Thomas and his twin. I am venturing out a bit to see what I can find out. 

Ron doesn’t know too much about him. Ron also knows that I have Panic Disorder and panic attacks. I haven’t told him about my OCD yet. 

I was at a cash register the other night when a customer bought some meat. It was leaking. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I asked Chad (store manager) if there were any sanitizing wipes, he said he’ll check. One of the CSM gals found me some. I wiped the whole damn register down! Not to mention my arms, drink, and anything else I could find to wipe down! 

Yesterday, Dee, a zone manager, pissed me off. It was over a palm pilot. I told her I’m usually the one who does online orders cause no one else gives a shit about doing them. I asked Ron if there was ever a person who he barely knew that just rubbed him the wrong damn way or raw. He said yeah. I told him about Dee. He said she is pretty much crass all the time. I would need to let it roll of me cause you never know when she is kidding or serious. Apparently she tends to piss people off regularly.  

I am so tired of people leaving me and others on the floor by ourselves. There is a new guy in the electronics department. On top of that, we are redesigning the whole electronics department. I got stuck with scanning clearance for recalls and NOF items. I just feel that I’m not included in things. 

I’ll be there three months at the end of June. Screw all of them if they want to be queen bitch! I’m a smart and resourceful chick anyway. I am opening up to Ron more so than others. I am trusting him not to betray me.  I hope that we can be friends.

Missing my eye candy (Thomas)

I do not want to make people uncomfortable. I have never felt like this towards a guy before. I hope that I do not make him (Thomas) uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.


I have a hard time trusting people. I have been burned and stabbed in the back by people who I allowed into my heart and soul only to f**k me over. Royally.

I have told one person about my "eye candy" at work. I have this fear, whether rational or irrational, that everything will blow up in my face and my heart will be crushed. This heart fluttering and anxiety makes me wanna cry. It scares me a little bit.

He has been on vacation since last Tuesday. He was at work, so I heard, on Monday. Yeah, I was off!!! He has not been back. I'm off today (Thursday). Not sure if he is at work today. Frustrating.

What am I gonna do?? I'm just at my wits end right now.