Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

A year of sadness, sorrow, and changes

My inner sadness has been many a wave over the last several months. I’ve managed to tone it low. Some success and some failures have become the marsh of my land.

My journey in life has had difficult points. The hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am.  I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and struggles.

Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional barrier around me: anger and resentment.

I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are normal emotional swings of life.

My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional. Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.

A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and unrealistic.  This dome can be easily destroyed, unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.

Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right. Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.

Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t work. It ain’t gonna work, never!

As I move through grief, I question my life in spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.

My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record. Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!

I do not want to be consumed my whole life by anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.

As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.

Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he knew before we did about Buster and Precious.

The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness. Neither will we.

June Post

It is summer and I am out of school. I have several things I need to do.

First is to study for my CDL Bus permit.

Second is to get a summer job.

Third is to gear up for the new school year.

One of my cats got sick last month. He has hyperthyroidism. He has to take 1/2 pill twice a day. He had a bloody stool. I was freaked out. Apparently there were two things that may have caused it: eating non-food items or eating too much human food. Slipknot is pushy when it comes to what we eat. We will see what happens down the road.

All the personal news is slow. 

Giving up

So many dark clouds hang over me right now. I have become unmanageable.

I reach out and no one understands. My thought processes go unnoticed. I write in literary terms, not too make everything too damn clear. Maybe I speak to the wrong people. People are too comfortable in believing I will always be okay.

Here is the thought for the day: I am NOT okay. Miserable. Anxious. Edgy.

I had a speech to give in my speech class. I was fine and okay until the moment I got up to talk. I lost it. I did not speak clearly. I fumbled on my power point presentation. I knew the material inside and out. I cannot speak in public. I was the last one to go. I had a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. I did everything I could not to lose what control I had left. I do not do well in public. I am a “behind-the-scenes” person.   

I have been able to manage my depression, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. It is boiling over now. I generally know when my periods are close because I feel the PMS cramps a week before. It is only relevant to my misery. All of it is worse the week before and the week of my period. I believe it is PMDD. I step beyond just having PMS like normal women.

I have been crying so much. On the other hand, I feel that I just don’t fucking care. I say the F-word a lot. I say ‘whatever’ a lot. I have anxious feelings where ever I go. I do not want to go anywhere. I sleep too much. I crave ice cream and coffee. I really do not care if we sell the house. I do not care if the house gets cleaned.

I feel that I have scared some people off. Thomas doesn’t talk to me anymore. All I want is a friend who checks in every now and again. I miss Ms. Barbara. She knows how I feel. I took a chance when I was offered opportunities. Everything is so different now. I want it back. I want my friends back! I think Thomas knows I’m broken. I feel like I’m the person on the other side of the tracks that no one wants to talk to.

People tend to be afraid of people like me. I am not violent. I know I’m a good person. People are homeless. Children are homeless. Animals roam the streets. Children, animals, and people are being abused every day. It breaks my heart.

All through time with my demons in tow, I still have managed to be kind hearted, reaching out to people, and trying to make sure that I stay in touch with people that I care about. Some of it seems to go unnoticed. Oh well. I need to be more of a selfish bitch.

I have to do something to get better. I have a few options to get there. I have to be strong enough to get through these dark clouds.

Emotions Depression

I have a lot of things happen to me over the course of several weeks.

First, my car broke down. It is the water pump. The cheapest quote I got was $600 parts and labor. Mom just could not justify fixing it up again. It has an oil leak. I wanted to get it fixed so bad. Just one more time. Just once more! No. Mom and I did not have the money to fix it.

Well, the new job requires me to be at work at 5 AM. Mom and I had to get up around 3:30 AM so she could drop me off. She would drive up to Charlotte so she could be at work at 7 AM. She would get off around 5 PM and pick me up. Charlotte traffic is hell. It would be as late as 6 or 7, sometimes 8 or 9 by the time she picked me up. Go home and straight to bed. Get up and do the same thing. This lasted about 2 weeks or so.

We shopped around for cars. Cheap cars that would fit into a very limited budget. We are stretched very thin as it is. We found a car, finally. It might possibly have transmission problems. Shit. I am driving it right now until whatever happens. We fix it or it falls apart. I went by the insurance place to switch the insurance over to the new car. About $10 more a month. Not too bad. I have not registered the vehicle yet. I have some time to do that. It is managing okay right now. It shifts hard when it's cold. After it warms up, it does well. I stay on edge all the damn time!

Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have hit close to rock bottom emotionally. I have a hard time talking about it. It is almost as hard writing it.  I hold back my tears as hard as I can. This heart can only hold back so much.

I'm at a point where I have overcome something only to feel the emotions that I should have allowed to flow all through the situation. I can't seem to go a day without tears. I have panic attacks around lunch time. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have a few people I trust, I can't hold back the tears to talk to them.

If I tell them, what will they think of me? Weak? I have the fear that the worst will happen. They will feel uncomfortable around me because they won't know what to do or say. They may avoid me all together. I try to tell myself they won't have to worry because my training is almost over. I or they won't have to worry about it.

I am losing my anchor. I can handle change. What outsiders don't understand is that there is more to the situation that I am keeping hid. I don't want to force my hand to tell my dark secrets.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn't be normal. I've had several attacks over the last several months, the waves have been manageable. I am lucky that I have not needed medication to control them. Now, they are back. The irrational fears that come with attacks are back. It's more me crying than almost passing out like I used to. I do not miss those days at all!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is not "official" because it shows up mostly with my panic attacks. Many of the "symptoms" associated with OCD have become personality quirks that are manageable. Although it does flare up from time to time.  It is not about hand washing which is a common thought when it comes to OCD.

One of the main things that is a part of my OCD is counting and organizing. If I count anything, it is in threes. I organize things in order. If it is chaos to you, I know were everything is at.

I've been suffering from depression a long time. It is mostly situational and is very manageable. It can be serious sometimes. I am blessed that I have never been to a point of suicide. I thank God for that.

I do not have many friends. I have casual friends and acquaintances that I do not trust with my heart. All my family is scattered in Georgia and Alabama. The close friends I have are scattered.

I think Thomas feels sorry for me for not having friends. I have tried to talk to him at work a few times. I don't understand him. He is hot and cold. I can't handle that roller coaster. I know Mrs Barbara will listen to me and let me vent. I can understand to a point that Thomas is a manager and he is my boss. I don't want to get him into trouble for anything that looks like we are "too close" at work. I thought he would at least listen to me vent. I just want to talk. He knows I have a crush on him. I don't want romance or anything like that. I just want a friend. Am I asking too much even as a friend? Probably yes in his eyes. Compassion would be nice.

I just don't know right now. It's been a rough start to the year. I just want to say screw you and stay in bed. I have thought that I never wished I woke up. I know that sounds bad. It is what it is. Just tough. Sometimes you're alone no matter what happens. No matter if you reach out or stay in. It's all the same.

Passing Through

I’ve been having a hard time with my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him.  I feel screwed all the way around on romance at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.

I dropped off my readmission application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off request. At least I got that much.

Thursday night I had a severe emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.

Mom and I went to several Goodwill stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart.  It had been raining on and off all weekend.

I feel as though I am only passing through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp.  I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much.  I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin. Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen now does it?  It seems that I am eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.

Living by my heart, soul

Last night at work I wanted to cry. It is as I figured and proposed. Heartbreak.

My life now is being ruled by my heart. My heart is of love, passion, emotion, soul, care, and goodness. My head is full of logic, anger, contemplation, and indifference. Both seem to find parallel paths in this world and in my life.

 

I found out that Thomas has a 27 year old son and a grand baby. It’s wonderful!!!!!!   J

I told a co-worker that hangs out with him my age. She is his buddy which is cool. He made a comment to the effect that time was running out. Shit! I wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to tell him that I know that already.

My heart tells me that often. I know my fertile years are dwindling down to zero. The sand in the hour glass is unbearable. I don’t want to be intimate with just anyone and end up pregnant. That is not how I want my life to be. I have more integrity now than I did when I was young.

My zone manager wanted me to zone our other department. It is a place of quiet contemplation for me. A co-worker wanted to go with me. I almost told her that I’d like to be by myself. Oh well. I do enjoy teamwork, sometimes I like the quiet contemplation that comes with the other department.

I wonder how I will be able to handle this heartbreak while at work. I’m not going to just quit. I need the job. I have three more months until I can transfer. Logic escapes me as to why I fell so hard for Thomas? I never fell for anyone else like this. I’ve had crushes, this is beyond my scope of logic. I’ve had panic attacks based on this crush or “falling in love” or whatever it is.

All I want to do is erase these last three months. Start over from scratch. I want to cry and scream and be mean. I can’t be a mean bitch like I want to be right now. I want to cover up everything. I want to scream and hit something, tear things up.

I am not sure what will happen at work today. I guess I need to bear the heartache. Hopefully I  can avoid him and my tears.

Panic, anxiety, pissed off, and other assortments

Yesterday Thomas walked by me and said hello. My heart melted. That made my day! 

I have asked Ron and Angela about Thomas. Angela said that Thomas has a twin. Angela also told me to talk to Barbara. Barbara went to school with Thomas and his twin. I am venturing out a bit to see what I can find out. 

Ron doesn’t know too much about him. Ron also knows that I have Panic Disorder and panic attacks. I haven’t told him about my OCD yet. 

I was at a cash register the other night when a customer bought some meat. It was leaking. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I asked Chad (store manager) if there were any sanitizing wipes, he said he’ll check. One of the CSM gals found me some. I wiped the whole damn register down! Not to mention my arms, drink, and anything else I could find to wipe down! 

Yesterday, Dee, a zone manager, pissed me off. It was over a palm pilot. I told her I’m usually the one who does online orders cause no one else gives a shit about doing them. I asked Ron if there was ever a person who he barely knew that just rubbed him the wrong damn way or raw. He said yeah. I told him about Dee. He said she is pretty much crass all the time. I would need to let it roll of me cause you never know when she is kidding or serious. Apparently she tends to piss people off regularly.  

I am so tired of people leaving me and others on the floor by ourselves. There is a new guy in the electronics department. On top of that, we are redesigning the whole electronics department. I got stuck with scanning clearance for recalls and NOF items. I just feel that I’m not included in things. 

I’ll be there three months at the end of June. Screw all of them if they want to be queen bitch! I’m a smart and resourceful chick anyway. I am opening up to Ron more so than others. I am trusting him not to betray me.  I hope that we can be friends.

Posthummous: alive again, renewed faith

I have arisen from the dark once again.

Many things have burdened me these past three years. A few things I will not speak of due to the intimate nature of my soul being too vulnerable upon speaking of such matters.

I have taken a hiatus from college for a semester to find work. Work seems to be the worst of the curses that have plagued me. I would love to finish my Bachelor's degree, maybe finish two at the same time. My financial aid has hit a plateau that has made it hard to continue with courses. I will, however, tackle this problem later in the year.

My mother has been ill with various things. She is getting these things fixed at a snail's pace. Luckily, she has health insurance now. This has made our lives a bit harder than most, at least for the time being.

The house is up for sale. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a deck, and side steps. We have A little over 14 acres of which 1 acre is cleared for the house. I have been wanting to move out of this house for too long. Mom has wanted to keep it. We are walking forward to a better life and starting over again. I'de love to move to New York or Massachusettes soon. Maybe within a year or two. I just do not want to go back to Georgia nor stay in the Carolinas.

There are so many things that I want to do. These things have been derailed for years. I have got to get them done before my time is up in this existence. I see a new horizon before me to do this.

To any readers out there:
I hope this reaches you in a good place. Always feel free to reply and talk if you would like. We all will get through this together.

Chaos

Chaos brews around me without asking. I tire easily of the fight to survive. It is easier to give up rather than fight. So many questions, so little answered prayers. I fathom those who have jobs, able to live without fear or worry.

Why is it so hard? I turn towards the chaos and cannot breathe. Fear comes over me, withers me as a dried flower. The loneliness ensues and devours. Looking out onto the infinite ocean. Nothing to see but waves, only to hear the beauty of freedom and serenity I long for.

I daydream only to crash back into reality at any moment. Biological clock ticking. Age is settling in. No one to comfort me as my needs go untouched, withering away in the wind.

Is this what will become of me? Only to live as a droid, soulless and alone. Pitch black waters swaddle me to sleep. I succumb to the ocean only to find myself swaddled. False hope.

This is me. I feel what I feel, and others as well. I take on more than I allow, more than my shoulders could bear.

Ocean: Pure Beauty and Joy!

I was at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina this past weekend. It is the time of year where people flock to the beach. I walked along the sand and water. I tuned out the noise of the crowd. I scavenged for seashells as a momento to this moment. All I could hear was the sound of the ocean waves. My mind blocked out the blistering noise of humanity only to hear the pure neauty of the ocean. The sound of waves and the wind blowing was pure joy to my heart and soul, as well as my ears! I knew I could not stay long, feeling the sorrow of abandonment in my heart. I felt the tears flow from my eyes as the distance become farther and farther. All my negative emotions drifted away as the waves engulfed my feet. I can not find the words to express how much freedom this moment gave me. I had no negative emotions: worry, frustration, fear, sorrow, abandonment, and depression. I felt a sigh of relief, freedom. The world can rear its ugly head from time to time. The beauty lies within the fleeting moments of freedom and respect. Just exactly how I felt in those few minutes I was at the beach.

I can only hope that I have more moments of peace and freedom to with hold!

Broken heart, broken spirit

The world seems to be after me. No paranoia here, just a heavy heart. All of my years to try to be a unique eccentric individual is being faltered by some one close to me. I feel as if my spirit is being broken. I barely know who I am at times and this person just keeps it coming. My spirit is beginning to lose faith in humanity. Feelings of regret, anger, hostility, and sorrow abound me to my own private hell. Granted, a few points being taken have some truths.

I have almost given up on being the person I think I am and becoming a drone in the army of trends and fads. I have never realized how my dark sorrow has made misery company all these years, much less how it affected others. As I have risen to a close freedom from the abyss, others are floating downward. This change in their behavior encourages those negative, dark feelings. I understand how hard it is to thwart those feelings from within. Seeing it in others has rekindled the same abyss in me.

At times, I feel like I am falling downward to hell instead of floating upward to freedom. I try not to let my emotions trump my inner thoughts and my rational, well thought out verbal thoughts. It has not been playing out as well as I had hoped. I am losing this game again, just when I thought I was becoming a free spirit - free from the chains of my own dark abyss.

It seems the one person I allow to play the "devil's advocate" to my personality has become one of "those" people I have avoided. The people that look down on my type as if they are above me. I've always understood that I am amongst so many people in "the middle" - someone always better or worse than me.

I am at the breeaking point of giving up my own eccentricities of life. I do not know what price I will have to pay now or down the road for the loss of my soul. The old cliche "people just don't understand" is way too conservative of any description of society . . and its games.

My heart/spirit are moments from being broken. I pray that I can survive the transformation and find some civility to be worthy of. I want to have freedom on my own terms; obviously, it won't happen.

Alone in Solace

Why does it seem so desolate. . . .
A world full of people,
Yet I stand still . . alone
People pass me in forward motion
Too fast, I am not moving at all
My soul hurts in pain,
Yearning for comfort, companionship
Watching the world find happiness
Whilst I stand, unable to move in fear
Drowning in sorrow of my own,
Despair no words can express or deny
Loneliness in a world overcrowded by people
People just do not understand my sadness
An abyss on a verge of explosion
Only I can understand the way I feel
Alone in a desolate state of being
Poor outlook coming from within
Each step can be easy or hard,
Depending on the way I am able to gravitate
Each step to old age and loneliness abreast

Lone Wolf

As long as I have been on this earth, I still manage to feel fucked and overwhelmed. I have been having a lot of strange dreams lately, mostly of my family. I am full of fear and dread, I gain weight without trying, and I walk alone in a world full of people. I am abandoned, alone in the world. . . . .waiting. On what, I do not know really. Although I could point out so many things, but yet they are so trivial and meaningless! I wish it would snow here, at least for a little while.

The cold snags my soul without mercy in this cold weather. Next month, on the 28th, marks my grandmother's passing during the only true snow storm we had here. She will have been gone six long years as the days pass without memory. Everything fades into one another, sinking into the abyss. I line that I remember fondly - there are things that go bump in the night, we are the ones that bump back. I think I pretty much paraphrased it. I think some people sink into the dark abyss below, while otherd walk in the shadows away from the sun.

AS long as I am alive, I will walk in the shadows alone with strength, yet fear. One day, maybe another lone wolf or several, will be there walking with me.

Familial Sorrow

My sorrow used to define me. It still does with no utter blame to lay at one's dirty feet. It has taken me a while to think about the sorrow and put into words. Sometimes it can be the hardest thing to do.

I visited my grandmother's grave on a trip to Georgia in November. My mother and I had other plans, we made time to lay flowers for her honor. The darkness of morning still loomed before dawn. This was the first time I had visited since, well, I do not remember. There was a more decernable death amongst the soil that I had not encountered before. As much as I refuse to understand, death is nothing but the rare certainty of human life. All else fails to make certain, death is always there patiently waiting. I always held a strong belief that it is a bad omen to step onto someone's final resting area. I will always heed that belief out of respect and humility.

My sorrow does not end there.

I visited my father and his new wife, K. I felt no connection with my father now as I had always never felt growing up. My father and his wife live in my great grandmother's house. He has renovated it. The house held a lot of memories. My great grandmother is my father's grand mother. Even after my grandparents divorce, my great grand mother always considered my grandmother a part of the family. The house has been forever changed and the sorrow just keeps flowing. I say words that do not hold any sacred meaning. My father has grandchildren, not by me! His wife's daughter has three. I do not know her at all. I don't know the wife either.

Keep it rolling. . . .

My grandfather used to have me as his beneficiary. I no longer hold that position. He is still my grandfather no matter how many emotional implosions occur. I only know this out of his blatantly telling me this. I did not ask, I will not give him ammunition for ire. What will my father do to that house? My grandmother lived there, my deceased uncle lived there, and I stayed there for a while. The house holds what memories I cannot.

I have memories that are locked in Pandora's Box. I do not wish to open; however, it does not have the strongest lock! One word aches my heart and flows the tears is abandonment. It seems as if this was the finality of the family - of my connections to the long departed. What irony this is, the finality of will and emotions. The last little string seems to have been cut. I do not consider genetics to be a part of this equation. There is no answer, not a logical one anyway. I do not know what is worse, knowing how much of a bastard my father was to utterly give my life permanent disfunction or not knowing a father. I essentially had both at different stages of my life.

My father is my father genetically. Sorrow is a powerful force that will not leave. It is like a heart or lung, a long requirement for a life that will not fully recover. I have tried to make a life worth living which I have been successful and I am grateful.

Sorrow is destitute, a life long journey into an abyss you know. I have hope that I may move forward with a different familial circle.