New Ally

Last week I realize that I have a new ally in the fight with depression and anxiety. It is an unexpected friend that I thought would never understand my plight. Out of respect for this person, I will not reveal who they are.  I will say welcome and thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me.

I will never gossip about anything. The only thing I will do is get you or someone help if they need it. Only if you are homicidal or suicidal or even have intent.

There is a stigma that will always follow us no matter what we do or where we go. We just don’t tell parts of ourselves. It is something we carry around privately from fear. It is the darkness in light.

 It is in fear of what people may think. People may think we are violent. Not true for the majority of us. There is only a small handful of people that are violent who have mental illness. People often do not know what to say. We are discriminated against. The media has polluted people’s thoughts about mental illness. That is the source of the violence, not the mentally ill.

Know this: we are not below any normally healthy person. We are not violent. We eat, breathe, and bleed like everyone else.

If we can’t put down our fears and lose the misperceptions of mental illness, we will never be able to overcome it. Never. It is in the same pot as racism and prejudice.

We can’t “get over it” nor should we hear it. Try telling a cancer patient or other physically ill to “get over it” and see what happens! You get over your misconceptions about mental illness.

That is all.

Giving up

So many dark clouds hang over me right now. I have become unmanageable.

I reach out and no one understands. My thought processes go unnoticed. I write in literary terms, not too make everything too damn clear. Maybe I speak to the wrong people. People are too comfortable in believing I will always be okay.

Here is the thought for the day: I am NOT okay. Miserable. Anxious. Edgy.

I had a speech to give in my speech class. I was fine and okay until the moment I got up to talk. I lost it. I did not speak clearly. I fumbled on my power point presentation. I knew the material inside and out. I cannot speak in public. I was the last one to go. I had a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. I did everything I could not to lose what control I had left. I do not do well in public. I am a “behind-the-scenes” person.   

I have been able to manage my depression, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. It is boiling over now. I generally know when my periods are close because I feel the PMS cramps a week before. It is only relevant to my misery. All of it is worse the week before and the week of my period. I believe it is PMDD. I step beyond just having PMS like normal women.

I have been crying so much. On the other hand, I feel that I just don’t fucking care. I say the F-word a lot. I say ‘whatever’ a lot. I have anxious feelings where ever I go. I do not want to go anywhere. I sleep too much. I crave ice cream and coffee. I really do not care if we sell the house. I do not care if the house gets cleaned.

I feel that I have scared some people off. Thomas doesn’t talk to me anymore. All I want is a friend who checks in every now and again. I miss Ms. Barbara. She knows how I feel. I took a chance when I was offered opportunities. Everything is so different now. I want it back. I want my friends back! I think Thomas knows I’m broken. I feel like I’m the person on the other side of the tracks that no one wants to talk to.

People tend to be afraid of people like me. I am not violent. I know I’m a good person. People are homeless. Children are homeless. Animals roam the streets. Children, animals, and people are being abused every day. It breaks my heart.

All through time with my demons in tow, I still have managed to be kind hearted, reaching out to people, and trying to make sure that I stay in touch with people that I care about. Some of it seems to go unnoticed. Oh well. I need to be more of a selfish bitch.

I have to do something to get better. I have a few options to get there. I have to be strong enough to get through these dark clouds.

Wo am I? (poetry)

I am an individual

A distinction from the rest

I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister

I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart

I walk a quiet existence

On the edge of living - alone and cold

I watch, learn, experience, observe

Life as it changes seasons

Life is the instructor, I am the student

Rain falls into darkness - me

Pushing forward through my tears

Of sorrow and joy - alone I am

I walk through the rain for you

Always hoping to find my rainbow

On this journey people speak of

Something called life and living

A journey I must take

Alone with sorrow and pain

I need to understand why I am here

I am a lifelong learner - eternally

No matter what the weather may bring

I live by my emotions and my heart

This quiet existence, will anyone know me?

Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?

I believe through my intelligence

This sets me from the rest

My emotions make me human, alone

Emotions -

I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate

My horizons expand from dusk till dawn

I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow

The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am

Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears

To share and to love what has become of me -

Rather than to fear what wealth I will have

In the end, I will know a purpose -

My purpose - Who I am

About Me

I am putting myself out into the world. I know there will be some crazies out there, but it is ok.  Here are some things about me that people would find interesting.

Most valuable characteristics I have are loyalty, caring nature, raw, passionate, intelligence, emotional, and common sense. Most annoying or weakest characteristics I have are being too emotional, my colorful language, and being a smartass.

My hobbies include a wide range of things and activities. I collect stickers and books from my favorite authors. I collect small legos. I journal, do crafts, write poetry, collect and watch DVDs, and enjoy music.  I enjoy many things, but these are the main hobbies I have.

My musical taste varies a lot. I enjoy classic rock such as Marshall Tucker Band and Allman Bros. Contemporary music consists of Sarah Mclaughlin, Maroon 5, Madonna, and Adele. When I get into a philosophical or a contemplative mood, I like to listen to Van Morrison, Al Stewart, and Jackson Browne. I do enjoy heavy metal. I was, am, and always will be a metal head. Some of my favorites include Ozzy and Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Cradle of Filth, and Judas Priest. My music palate is big  as I do listen a lot based on moods.

Television is very limited to me with no cable or satellite. I refuse to pay the high prices for low quality shit people call shows nowadays. Sons of anarchy is by far the most unique and retrospective show I have watched. I am a fan of Ron Perlman (SOA character Clay Morrow) so I had to pick up the seasons on DVD. Any shows or movies based on Stephen King novels such as Haven and Under the Dome are great. I don’t watch too many animated shows; however, I do enjoy South Park and Family Guy.  Other shows I watch include Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, Person of Interest, and American Horror Story. Shows like Criminal Minds, CSI, and Hannibal are great because of the psychological and legal aspects of crimes.  I will always be an X-Files and Charmed fan. I love supernatural oddities and magic. I love collecting movies and shows on DVD.

There are subject areas that interest me in many ways. Some of the main subjects I enjoy reading about include mythology, religion, magic (Wicca), supernatural, criminalistics, psychology, tattoos, and religion. Haunted houses are very interesting to investigate.

I consider myself a BBW which means big beautiful woman. I’m changing my habits to lose some weight. That will change in the near future. I have pierced ears and tattoos. Let’s talk about tattoos and piercings for a moment. I have my own limitations and have limits on other people. I will not be intimate with a man who has his pecker pierced. Just won’t happen at all! I will not pierce anything other than my ears. I will not risk losing any sensation or be scratched in my woman area. As far as tattoos, no part of my woman parts will be inked.

Religion is a very hot topic. I am a Christian; however, I do consider myself spiritually philosophical as well. I have never been a devout Christian because people twist religion to fit their needs, not by God’s way. I do attend church on Sunday.

Basic favorites: tea, Mexican food, fall, October, Halloween, horror/sci-fi/action movies, Sly Stallone, Stephen King, purple, sterling silver jewelry, and Aerosmith.

Live by the heart, not the head

I am still crushing on Thomas. I know, I know. It gets old.

I have heart palpitations, I can’t seem to talk to him. I don’t understand these feelings I am having. It is very scary for me. I’ve had crushes before, none like this. I just want to cry. How can I be myself when I can barely speak normally and not feel so out of touch?

All I want to do at work when Thomas is there is hang out with him. I want to stare at him, ask questions about him, and talk about stuff.

Of course I feel like blabbing everything about me to him. Except my dark, gothic side. I’m not into any wild, dark kinky weird shit. I love metal and metal heads. Tattoos of course. I would get his name tattooed on me somewhere of his choosing.

I have plans today. Make a car payment, pay my phone bill, and join a gym. I need to lose 70 pounds. I am starting at 70 to get me started on losing weight and getting some muscle. I do not want to look bulky or anything similar. I just want to lose weight so maybe I can have a better chance with Thomas.

Maybe one day he can read my blogs about him. Yesterday he talked to me. My heart fluttered. I was in such a good mood. I hate being so shy! I just can’t seem to tell him. I get choked up, I want to cry, my anxiety is through the roof, and I say all the wrong things around him. Yeah, that is the scope of it right now.

I need to quit before I get all antsy and pass out!

Tragic Anxiety, A moment of happiness

Today has been rough for me. Too much anxiety and wanting to cry most of the day.  My eye candy, Thomas, apparently was having a tough day as well.
 

 The new guy, Mike, needed a Playstation 4 for a customer. I told him this would be a teachable moment. I asked Thomas if he had the key to the locked area of our stock room. He opened it up. I was explaining to  Mike that we bin and pick to maintain our inventory control. Thomas told me good job as he added what I had missed. Damn, so yummy! Still crushing over him, he made it even better today! Thank you! 

Anyway, Dee had me work on adding DVDs to the new fixture. I was fine until I finished it. I was lost without too much to do. Dee just rubs me the wrong way. I am at wits end. The whole department is being remodeled and re adjusted. This means that I am at a loss as to where everything is at. My OCD is in overdrive because everything has been uprooted. My routine and consistency has to be changed.

I told Angela I had OCD, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I felt better after I spilled it out to someone. I am beginning to get claustrophobia. Maybe it’s everyone who is working at the same time that is making my agoraphobia worse. I have been set in my own way working in the department. Everything has turned my insides outward!

I want so bad to tell my managers that I have issues. I am so scared that I will be rejected, look down on, and be too pitiful for work. I am screwed! At least I can hang on to what little things that have made me happy.

Missing my eye candy (Thomas)

I do not want to make people uncomfortable. I have never felt like this towards a guy before. I hope that I do not make him (Thomas) uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.


I have a hard time trusting people. I have been burned and stabbed in the back by people who I allowed into my heart and soul only to f**k me over. Royally.

I have told one person about my "eye candy" at work. I have this fear, whether rational or irrational, that everything will blow up in my face and my heart will be crushed. This heart fluttering and anxiety makes me wanna cry. It scares me a little bit.

He has been on vacation since last Tuesday. He was at work, so I heard, on Monday. Yeah, I was off!!! He has not been back. I'm off today (Thursday). Not sure if he is at work today. Frustrating.

What am I gonna do?? I'm just at my wits end right now.

Ocean: Pure Beauty and Joy!

I was at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina this past weekend. It is the time of year where people flock to the beach. I walked along the sand and water. I tuned out the noise of the crowd. I scavenged for seashells as a momento to this moment. All I could hear was the sound of the ocean waves. My mind blocked out the blistering noise of humanity only to hear the pure neauty of the ocean. The sound of waves and the wind blowing was pure joy to my heart and soul, as well as my ears! I knew I could not stay long, feeling the sorrow of abandonment in my heart. I felt the tears flow from my eyes as the distance become farther and farther. All my negative emotions drifted away as the waves engulfed my feet. I can not find the words to express how much freedom this moment gave me. I had no negative emotions: worry, frustration, fear, sorrow, abandonment, and depression. I felt a sigh of relief, freedom. The world can rear its ugly head from time to time. The beauty lies within the fleeting moments of freedom and respect. Just exactly how I felt in those few minutes I was at the beach.

I can only hope that I have more moments of peace and freedom to with hold!

Lack of friendship on my part

My best friend invited me to her wedding on Halloween. I was three and a half hours late! I mixed up the times. I can't believe that I was that blind sided by my own stupidity by not checking the invitation for accurate times! My mom and I planned to dress up in costumes. We had our costumes on all day to make sure we weren't late. My friend anticipated our presence. We had been planning this for a month! My friend needed an RSVP for everyone so she could make arrangements for food and supplies! I cried in the car after we spent hours looking for her house to drop off her gifts as well as see her for a few moments. I got her phone number from her father and talked to her for a few minutes. I explained why I wasn't there as anticipated. She was cleaning up after the reception. I told her we'd meet up later and I would talk to her later.

A first wedding is so special and very important. When you are invited to a wedding, it is a privilege and an honor. I feel as if I had let her down by being a no-show. I did not want her to feel as if I drop-kicked her to the curb. I missed a special event in my best friend's life. That is something I won't have in my memory. This would be my first wedding attendance. I am still upset thinking about it, let alone posting it so the world would know how shitty I had been.

Life will go on. I hope that she can forgive me for being a hole of an ass!