Elections

HOLY HELL WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY?

I have not heard a definitive agenda of either shit storm party yet. Donald Trump? Really?

HOLY SHIT. For a rare moment in my smartass history, I am stumped as to anything to say to this twilight zone election.

TWILIGHT ZONE featuring Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.

I will have to say that I would vote for Hilary Clinton on the sole fact she has experience as a first Lady. It's the lesser of two evils.

Donald Trump is a short fuse. Personal opinions doesn't always make the best public decisions for the masses.

This is a shock. No wait. Brexit. That was a shock, too. God please bless us all. A wild ride.

Giving up

So many dark clouds hang over me right now. I have become unmanageable.

I reach out and no one understands. My thought processes go unnoticed. I write in literary terms, not too make everything too damn clear. Maybe I speak to the wrong people. People are too comfortable in believing I will always be okay.

Here is the thought for the day: I am NOT okay. Miserable. Anxious. Edgy.

I had a speech to give in my speech class. I was fine and okay until the moment I got up to talk. I lost it. I did not speak clearly. I fumbled on my power point presentation. I knew the material inside and out. I cannot speak in public. I was the last one to go. I had a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. I did everything I could not to lose what control I had left. I do not do well in public. I am a “behind-the-scenes” person.   

I have been able to manage my depression, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. It is boiling over now. I generally know when my periods are close because I feel the PMS cramps a week before. It is only relevant to my misery. All of it is worse the week before and the week of my period. I believe it is PMDD. I step beyond just having PMS like normal women.

I have been crying so much. On the other hand, I feel that I just don’t fucking care. I say the F-word a lot. I say ‘whatever’ a lot. I have anxious feelings where ever I go. I do not want to go anywhere. I sleep too much. I crave ice cream and coffee. I really do not care if we sell the house. I do not care if the house gets cleaned.

I feel that I have scared some people off. Thomas doesn’t talk to me anymore. All I want is a friend who checks in every now and again. I miss Ms. Barbara. She knows how I feel. I took a chance when I was offered opportunities. Everything is so different now. I want it back. I want my friends back! I think Thomas knows I’m broken. I feel like I’m the person on the other side of the tracks that no one wants to talk to.

People tend to be afraid of people like me. I am not violent. I know I’m a good person. People are homeless. Children are homeless. Animals roam the streets. Children, animals, and people are being abused every day. It breaks my heart.

All through time with my demons in tow, I still have managed to be kind hearted, reaching out to people, and trying to make sure that I stay in touch with people that I care about. Some of it seems to go unnoticed. Oh well. I need to be more of a selfish bitch.

I have to do something to get better. I have a few options to get there. I have to be strong enough to get through these dark clouds.

Wo am I? (poetry)

I am an individual

A distinction from the rest

I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister

I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart

I walk a quiet existence

On the edge of living - alone and cold

I watch, learn, experience, observe

Life as it changes seasons

Life is the instructor, I am the student

Rain falls into darkness - me

Pushing forward through my tears

Of sorrow and joy - alone I am

I walk through the rain for you

Always hoping to find my rainbow

On this journey people speak of

Something called life and living

A journey I must take

Alone with sorrow and pain

I need to understand why I am here

I am a lifelong learner - eternally

No matter what the weather may bring

I live by my emotions and my heart

This quiet existence, will anyone know me?

Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?

I believe through my intelligence

This sets me from the rest

My emotions make me human, alone

Emotions -

I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate

My horizons expand from dusk till dawn

I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow

The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am

Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears

To share and to love what has become of me -

Rather than to fear what wealth I will have

In the end, I will know a purpose -

My purpose - Who I am

religion philspohy

I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ and his almighty grace. It’s grace alone by one’s faith that we are to get to heaven.

One fundamental question remains with me.

Why twist a religious belief to fit one’s own agenda?

Do they not know that they will be banished to hell for eternity for their selfish needs? It is a false righteousness that leads them down the path of hell.

This is a philosophical question that will never satiate the need for answers.

Pay it forward throughout the year

Mom and I have Christmas all through the year. We buy ourselves stuff. We buy each other stuff. Not big things. It is just the two of us and our cats. This year we barely decorated. It was a hard Christmas for mom. We are the few family we have left.

I believe that we all should pay it forward. 

Donate your time to those that are in need. Go visit the elderly. Volunteer for the Humane Society. Reduce your clutter and take it to shelters. Everyone can use a blanket or a few clothes. Maybe toys that your kids don't play with anymore.  

The greatest rewards are those that bring joy, peace, and love to others. It isn't just the money that can help others, it is our time and care that mean the most. It leaves a lasting impression.

I also believe that we need to help others. I have seen the smiles and gratitude in the positive things we do for other people. 

Pay it forward people! You will become a better person for it!

Anxiety

This will be hard to post. I will anyway cuz I need to say it. Get it out of my head.

So much anxiety has been rushing through me like many tidal waves. I grit my teeth too much. My heart palpitates. All of which makes me cringe. I get anxious when mom comes home. 

I have no car. My neighbor is still "working" on it for . . uuummm . . . . 18 months now. I cannot go anywhere. I struggle with going to the store or just out somewhere. I just don't want to anymore. 

I get angry easily. Over things that probably will not be said or done. Ever. Anxiety. It just lives inside of me. I want to be social. My life is changing and I do not see the few friends I do have. I feel as if they are alienated from me at my my own expense, fault. 

So many things I want to do. I can't. Money, friends, anxiety,  and whatever my mind fears will keep me in my own private darkness. I just feel like the whole world is against me, does not like me. Why? Don't understand.

I can barely make it to the community college to turn in my homework and take any tests. 

Anyway, that is my two cents. Money seems to be the need of the country, yet has absolutely no value whatsoever. You can take that to the bank, people. 

Posthummous: alive again, renewed faith

I have arisen from the dark once again.

Many things have burdened me these past three years. A few things I will not speak of due to the intimate nature of my soul being too vulnerable upon speaking of such matters.

I have taken a hiatus from college for a semester to find work. Work seems to be the worst of the curses that have plagued me. I would love to finish my Bachelor's degree, maybe finish two at the same time. My financial aid has hit a plateau that has made it hard to continue with courses. I will, however, tackle this problem later in the year.

My mother has been ill with various things. She is getting these things fixed at a snail's pace. Luckily, she has health insurance now. This has made our lives a bit harder than most, at least for the time being.

The house is up for sale. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a deck, and side steps. We have A little over 14 acres of which 1 acre is cleared for the house. I have been wanting to move out of this house for too long. Mom has wanted to keep it. We are walking forward to a better life and starting over again. I'de love to move to New York or Massachusettes soon. Maybe within a year or two. I just do not want to go back to Georgia nor stay in the Carolinas.

There are so many things that I want to do. These things have been derailed for years. I have got to get them done before my time is up in this existence. I see a new horizon before me to do this.

To any readers out there:
I hope this reaches you in a good place. Always feel free to reply and talk if you would like. We all will get through this together.