Unique disposition & Empowerment of expresssion

 I have realized that I am in a unique disposition in life. A place I have never thought I would be in. A strong woman and outspoken. I require a strong man to be by my side.

The guy I consider one of my best friends is a teenager in an adult body. The guy has a heart of gold. He always has sex on the brain. I am not interested in him like that. There are physical reasons why, I am respectfully NOT mentioning flaws because I have plenty. It is all perception. Beauty. Ugly. Flaws. We can go on and on. Stop on it now. He is not qualified for what I need in my life. I will not kick him to the curb. It is one thing for people to drift apart, another to step people to the curb for petty trite bull shit. 

I do tend to have a personal love / hate crush on my tech, Steve. I do not mind stating it here. I feel comfortable saying it. I had a crush on my other tech, Tim. I can not quite put my finger on what made me have a crush on Steve. I figure it may be a sense of him as a rebel or bad ass. I do not know much about him personally. I want to. Whatever place either of are in, we still can talk.

I am in this unique place of self expression. I feel confident in speaking my mind. Professionally. Personally. I am empathic. I feel what others are feeling. I can turn it off or dial it down sometimes if I am around people that I have no connection to.

I feel empowered to be able to visually express words. It is the written word that I am best at when it comes to being personal. I am skimming on the surface many times. I journal those deep emotions and thoughts. I am empowered to express my thoughts. I want to empower myself for oration. I do not want to be an orator. I do not do public speaking. Someday give an oration. 

It is about empowerment of my personal expression. To express my thoughts respectfully and thoughtfully to others without hesitation. I can be coy as needed. I will no longer be the sweet little girl. The nice coy girl who just does. Not the good little soldier. If you can not take criticism, then get off my bus.

To Steve, "Thinking of you" by Christian Kane 

June Post

It is summer and I am out of school. I have several things I need to do.

First is to study for my CDL Bus permit.

Second is to get a summer job.

Third is to gear up for the new school year.

One of my cats got sick last month. He has hyperthyroidism. He has to take 1/2 pill twice a day. He had a bloody stool. I was freaked out. Apparently there were two things that may have caused it: eating non-food items or eating too much human food. Slipknot is pushy when it comes to what we eat. We will see what happens down the road.

All the personal news is slow. 

Missing my eye candy (Thomas)

I do not want to make people uncomfortable. I have never felt like this towards a guy before. I hope that I do not make him (Thomas) uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.


I have a hard time trusting people. I have been burned and stabbed in the back by people who I allowed into my heart and soul only to f**k me over. Royally.

I have told one person about my "eye candy" at work. I have this fear, whether rational or irrational, that everything will blow up in my face and my heart will be crushed. This heart fluttering and anxiety makes me wanna cry. It scares me a little bit.

He has been on vacation since last Tuesday. He was at work, so I heard, on Monday. Yeah, I was off!!! He has not been back. I'm off today (Thursday). Not sure if he is at work today. Frustrating.

What am I gonna do?? I'm just at my wits end right now.

Guy Crush

Thomas.
Tall, handsome, smart, just all around cool guy. Doesn't do fruit.

I've been crushing on this guy for a few weeks.

Last night was different.

He is going on vay-cay (vacation). Wow, my eye candy not around.

I got off at 7. He got off at 8. I didn't feel like going home. I stayed at work looking for Thomas. A bit stalkish I know. I just wanted to know what car he drove. Still don't quite know.

I just wanted to cry. Panic. Fear. All set in about 5:30. I was the only one in my department for an hour or so. I got flustered, no one was there to tell me to breathe. I was having a panic attack. I was fine after Andy came in. After I got to my car, it all set in again. I have been doing good until now.

Shame and doubt. Fear and vulnerability. Self-esteem at a low point.

I'm trying to lose weight myself. I've made a commitment and have lost a few pounds already. I want to be skinnier. Not too skinny. Still want to have some meat on my bones.

I am having trouble dealing with my emotions. This guy I hardly know has somehow twisted me all out of shape.

Passionate. Emotional. Raw. Tell-it-like-it-is. Smart-ass. Comical. Loyal. Spontaneous. Loving. Painfully shy at times. Hardened exterior.

Why is it so hard for me to find a guy like Thomas? I am so "wanting-to-know-more" about him, it is driving me crazy.

This crush is intense. I may be obsessive, never will I stalk anyone. My emotions are intense. Fighting back tears as I post this. Not sure what is happening to me. Wish I could bounce it off people. No one is around to do that.

Just want feedback.

Chaos

Chaos brews around me without asking. I tire easily of the fight to survive. It is easier to give up rather than fight. So many questions, so little answered prayers. I fathom those who have jobs, able to live without fear or worry.

Why is it so hard? I turn towards the chaos and cannot breathe. Fear comes over me, withers me as a dried flower. The loneliness ensues and devours. Looking out onto the infinite ocean. Nothing to see but waves, only to hear the beauty of freedom and serenity I long for.

I daydream only to crash back into reality at any moment. Biological clock ticking. Age is settling in. No one to comfort me as my needs go untouched, withering away in the wind.

Is this what will become of me? Only to live as a droid, soulless and alone. Pitch black waters swaddle me to sleep. I succumb to the ocean only to find myself swaddled. False hope.

This is me. I feel what I feel, and others as well. I take on more than I allow, more than my shoulders could bear.