Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

A year of sadness, sorrow, and changes

My inner sadness has been many a wave over the last several months. I’ve managed to tone it low. Some success and some failures have become the marsh of my land.

My journey in life has had difficult points. The hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am.  I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and struggles.

Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional barrier around me: anger and resentment.

I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are normal emotional swings of life.

My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional. Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.

A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and unrealistic.  This dome can be easily destroyed, unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.

Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right. Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.

Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t work. It ain’t gonna work, never!

As I move through grief, I question my life in spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.

My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record. Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!

I do not want to be consumed my whole life by anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.

As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.

Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he knew before we did about Buster and Precious.

The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness. Neither will we.

New Ally

Last week I realize that I have a new ally in the fight with depression and anxiety. It is an unexpected friend that I thought would never understand my plight. Out of respect for this person, I will not reveal who they are.  I will say welcome and thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me.

I will never gossip about anything. The only thing I will do is get you or someone help if they need it. Only if you are homicidal or suicidal or even have intent.

There is a stigma that will always follow us no matter what we do or where we go. We just don’t tell parts of ourselves. It is something we carry around privately from fear. It is the darkness in light.

 It is in fear of what people may think. People may think we are violent. Not true for the majority of us. There is only a small handful of people that are violent who have mental illness. People often do not know what to say. We are discriminated against. The media has polluted people’s thoughts about mental illness. That is the source of the violence, not the mentally ill.

Know this: we are not below any normally healthy person. We are not violent. We eat, breathe, and bleed like everyone else.

If we can’t put down our fears and lose the misperceptions of mental illness, we will never be able to overcome it. Never. It is in the same pot as racism and prejudice.

We can’t “get over it” nor should we hear it. Try telling a cancer patient or other physically ill to “get over it” and see what happens! You get over your misconceptions about mental illness.

That is all.

Emotions Depression

I have a lot of things happen to me over the course of several weeks.

First, my car broke down. It is the water pump. The cheapest quote I got was $600 parts and labor. Mom just could not justify fixing it up again. It has an oil leak. I wanted to get it fixed so bad. Just one more time. Just once more! No. Mom and I did not have the money to fix it.

Well, the new job requires me to be at work at 5 AM. Mom and I had to get up around 3:30 AM so she could drop me off. She would drive up to Charlotte so she could be at work at 7 AM. She would get off around 5 PM and pick me up. Charlotte traffic is hell. It would be as late as 6 or 7, sometimes 8 or 9 by the time she picked me up. Go home and straight to bed. Get up and do the same thing. This lasted about 2 weeks or so.

We shopped around for cars. Cheap cars that would fit into a very limited budget. We are stretched very thin as it is. We found a car, finally. It might possibly have transmission problems. Shit. I am driving it right now until whatever happens. We fix it or it falls apart. I went by the insurance place to switch the insurance over to the new car. About $10 more a month. Not too bad. I have not registered the vehicle yet. I have some time to do that. It is managing okay right now. It shifts hard when it's cold. After it warms up, it does well. I stay on edge all the damn time!

Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have hit close to rock bottom emotionally. I have a hard time talking about it. It is almost as hard writing it.  I hold back my tears as hard as I can. This heart can only hold back so much.

I'm at a point where I have overcome something only to feel the emotions that I should have allowed to flow all through the situation. I can't seem to go a day without tears. I have panic attacks around lunch time. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have a few people I trust, I can't hold back the tears to talk to them.

If I tell them, what will they think of me? Weak? I have the fear that the worst will happen. They will feel uncomfortable around me because they won't know what to do or say. They may avoid me all together. I try to tell myself they won't have to worry because my training is almost over. I or they won't have to worry about it.

I am losing my anchor. I can handle change. What outsiders don't understand is that there is more to the situation that I am keeping hid. I don't want to force my hand to tell my dark secrets.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn't be normal. I've had several attacks over the last several months, the waves have been manageable. I am lucky that I have not needed medication to control them. Now, they are back. The irrational fears that come with attacks are back. It's more me crying than almost passing out like I used to. I do not miss those days at all!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is not "official" because it shows up mostly with my panic attacks. Many of the "symptoms" associated with OCD have become personality quirks that are manageable. Although it does flare up from time to time.  It is not about hand washing which is a common thought when it comes to OCD.

One of the main things that is a part of my OCD is counting and organizing. If I count anything, it is in threes. I organize things in order. If it is chaos to you, I know were everything is at.

I've been suffering from depression a long time. It is mostly situational and is very manageable. It can be serious sometimes. I am blessed that I have never been to a point of suicide. I thank God for that.

I do not have many friends. I have casual friends and acquaintances that I do not trust with my heart. All my family is scattered in Georgia and Alabama. The close friends I have are scattered.

I think Thomas feels sorry for me for not having friends. I have tried to talk to him at work a few times. I don't understand him. He is hot and cold. I can't handle that roller coaster. I know Mrs Barbara will listen to me and let me vent. I can understand to a point that Thomas is a manager and he is my boss. I don't want to get him into trouble for anything that looks like we are "too close" at work. I thought he would at least listen to me vent. I just want to talk. He knows I have a crush on him. I don't want romance or anything like that. I just want a friend. Am I asking too much even as a friend? Probably yes in his eyes. Compassion would be nice.

I just don't know right now. It's been a rough start to the year. I just want to say screw you and stay in bed. I have thought that I never wished I woke up. I know that sounds bad. It is what it is. Just tough. Sometimes you're alone no matter what happens. No matter if you reach out or stay in. It's all the same.

Living by my heart, soul

Last night at work I wanted to cry. It is as I figured and proposed. Heartbreak.

My life now is being ruled by my heart. My heart is of love, passion, emotion, soul, care, and goodness. My head is full of logic, anger, contemplation, and indifference. Both seem to find parallel paths in this world and in my life.

 

I found out that Thomas has a 27 year old son and a grand baby. It’s wonderful!!!!!!   J

I told a co-worker that hangs out with him my age. She is his buddy which is cool. He made a comment to the effect that time was running out. Shit! I wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to tell him that I know that already.

My heart tells me that often. I know my fertile years are dwindling down to zero. The sand in the hour glass is unbearable. I don’t want to be intimate with just anyone and end up pregnant. That is not how I want my life to be. I have more integrity now than I did when I was young.

My zone manager wanted me to zone our other department. It is a place of quiet contemplation for me. A co-worker wanted to go with me. I almost told her that I’d like to be by myself. Oh well. I do enjoy teamwork, sometimes I like the quiet contemplation that comes with the other department.

I wonder how I will be able to handle this heartbreak while at work. I’m not going to just quit. I need the job. I have three more months until I can transfer. Logic escapes me as to why I fell so hard for Thomas? I never fell for anyone else like this. I’ve had crushes, this is beyond my scope of logic. I’ve had panic attacks based on this crush or “falling in love” or whatever it is.

All I want to do is erase these last three months. Start over from scratch. I want to cry and scream and be mean. I can’t be a mean bitch like I want to be right now. I want to cover up everything. I want to scream and hit something, tear things up.

I am not sure what will happen at work today. I guess I need to bear the heartache. Hopefully I  can avoid him and my tears.

Anxiety

This will be hard to post. I will anyway cuz I need to say it. Get it out of my head.

So much anxiety has been rushing through me like many tidal waves. I grit my teeth too much. My heart palpitates. All of which makes me cringe. I get anxious when mom comes home. 

I have no car. My neighbor is still "working" on it for . . uuummm . . . . 18 months now. I cannot go anywhere. I struggle with going to the store or just out somewhere. I just don't want to anymore. 

I get angry easily. Over things that probably will not be said or done. Ever. Anxiety. It just lives inside of me. I want to be social. My life is changing and I do not see the few friends I do have. I feel as if they are alienated from me at my my own expense, fault. 

So many things I want to do. I can't. Money, friends, anxiety,  and whatever my mind fears will keep me in my own private darkness. I just feel like the whole world is against me, does not like me. Why? Don't understand.

I can barely make it to the community college to turn in my homework and take any tests. 

Anyway, that is my two cents. Money seems to be the need of the country, yet has absolutely no value whatsoever. You can take that to the bank, people. 

Posthummous: alive again, renewed faith

I have arisen from the dark once again.

Many things have burdened me these past three years. A few things I will not speak of due to the intimate nature of my soul being too vulnerable upon speaking of such matters.

I have taken a hiatus from college for a semester to find work. Work seems to be the worst of the curses that have plagued me. I would love to finish my Bachelor's degree, maybe finish two at the same time. My financial aid has hit a plateau that has made it hard to continue with courses. I will, however, tackle this problem later in the year.

My mother has been ill with various things. She is getting these things fixed at a snail's pace. Luckily, she has health insurance now. This has made our lives a bit harder than most, at least for the time being.

The house is up for sale. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a deck, and side steps. We have A little over 14 acres of which 1 acre is cleared for the house. I have been wanting to move out of this house for too long. Mom has wanted to keep it. We are walking forward to a better life and starting over again. I'de love to move to New York or Massachusettes soon. Maybe within a year or two. I just do not want to go back to Georgia nor stay in the Carolinas.

There are so many things that I want to do. These things have been derailed for years. I have got to get them done before my time is up in this existence. I see a new horizon before me to do this.

To any readers out there:
I hope this reaches you in a good place. Always feel free to reply and talk if you would like. We all will get through this together.

Daydreams.Reality.Moods

I have always loved to daydream. It has kept me sane during half of my childhood when things were really brutal and hopeless.

I still daydream.

Sometimes daydreaming does put me in a bad mood. Reality checks in and I become saddened that my daydreams are not being fulfilled.

How can my daydreams do this to my emotions? Why do I even bother to daydream when it just depresses the hell out of me?!?!?!?!

I want to fulfill my dreams and I just can't walk the walk. I am constrained and unmotivated. My emotions are the Pandora's Box of my life.

Sometimes I have to ask WTF is wrong with this picture? I just want to scream and pitch a damn tantrum to get it all out in the open. I want it all to hang out and leave. Don't care where it goes! My negative emotions, the sadness, the depression, and the anxiety need to hitch a ride into hell.

I need help to get motivated and charge my batteries. I still want to daydream and be merry. I just need to vent and find my true happy place, where ever that may be.

Down in a Funk (FEAR)

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I am close to starting a new semester at a new four-year university. Yet, I am saddened. It seemed to have hit me over the last couple of days which it typical for me sometimes.
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My mother just started a new job. She has arthritis in her left leg. She needs surgery for a torn meniscus which is not going to happen due to limited financial means. She is able to work even with a limited use of her knee.
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I have had a lot of anxiety over my oldest cat. It came out of the blue. He started meowing when we got home yesterday evening. There was a stray cat outside which I think our cat knew of! Cats can sense and smell other cats around.
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I am overwhelmed with a sudden sadness that may stem from my ongoing depression. Life is too damn hard sometimes. I just want to crawl into bed and wait till life gets better. I know it is unreasonable to think like that. I feel like crying, everything points to being in a depressed mood.
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I am not talking about some fly-by-night blues that is common among happy people. I never used to like bubbly people - those who are always joyful and have some kinda drug-high that makes you want to vomit.
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I have always been the one who walked alone, never really social. I was the one who was on the edge between happiness and sadness. High School was more of a mundane experience, I am smart, I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. I used to have it, now it has flown away! I am in a total creative block from my former self.
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I fear the risk of loving another because I do not want them to go away. My anxiety is a real concern in this area because I want to have friends and find true happiness. I fear losing my unique style and creative personality. As I get older, I get more anxious! I do not want to be alone and unhappy. I want to travel, and do a lot of things.
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Right now, I am in a funk. I feel a bit of claustrophobia because I can't seem to get my life back on track. Oh well, I just have to let this ride out and go with the flow.