Unique disposition & Empowerment of expresssion

 I have realized that I am in a unique disposition in life. A place I have never thought I would be in. A strong woman and outspoken. I require a strong man to be by my side.

The guy I consider one of my best friends is a teenager in an adult body. The guy has a heart of gold. He always has sex on the brain. I am not interested in him like that. There are physical reasons why, I am respectfully NOT mentioning flaws because I have plenty. It is all perception. Beauty. Ugly. Flaws. We can go on and on. Stop on it now. He is not qualified for what I need in my life. I will not kick him to the curb. It is one thing for people to drift apart, another to step people to the curb for petty trite bull shit. 

I do tend to have a personal love / hate crush on my tech, Steve. I do not mind stating it here. I feel comfortable saying it. I had a crush on my other tech, Tim. I can not quite put my finger on what made me have a crush on Steve. I figure it may be a sense of him as a rebel or bad ass. I do not know much about him personally. I want to. Whatever place either of are in, we still can talk.

I am in this unique place of self expression. I feel confident in speaking my mind. Professionally. Personally. I am empathic. I feel what others are feeling. I can turn it off or dial it down sometimes if I am around people that I have no connection to.

I feel empowered to be able to visually express words. It is the written word that I am best at when it comes to being personal. I am skimming on the surface many times. I journal those deep emotions and thoughts. I am empowered to express my thoughts. I want to empower myself for oration. I do not want to be an orator. I do not do public speaking. Someday give an oration. 

It is about empowerment of my personal expression. To express my thoughts respectfully and thoughtfully to others without hesitation. I can be coy as needed. I will no longer be the sweet little girl. The nice coy girl who just does. Not the good little soldier. If you can not take criticism, then get off my bus.

To Steve, "Thinking of you" by Christian Kane 

Politics - Sometimes I wonder about people

Sometimes I wonder about people.

I have seen a lot of politics in the workplace over the years. I grew up in the retail automotive industry since I was a kid back in Georgia. I've seen politics from Georgia to South Carolina to North Carolina. 

I learned a lot of nasty under handed crap just in the name of politics. I've been the one to purposefully NOT do the nasty things I've learned. It gets you NOWHERE in the long run. It is not a means to an end. You will fall eventually off that ladder of your facade of success. 

It seems that politics have taken over my department. It is a facade of innuendo and word play to cover one's rear end. 

An employee gets suspended for a violation in policy. The said employee turns herself in the same day it occurred.  Suspension took place about two weeks later (after the manager finally got around to it). During the employee's suspension, the violation gets looked at by other employees in the same department and another department. 

This is a violation of policy. It was brought to the manager's attention that the violation had been viewed by others. The manager blew it off as well as the manager's direct supervisor. 

Employee's suspension lasted three weeks and with pay. It was done. Over. Time to move on. Not so quite. A few weeks ago, a driver from another department approached the said employee about the incident. The driver said that she had allegedly seen the video and DSS was coming to get the employee. The employee told her manager who blew it off as innuendo and rumors. This is harassment and it is being allowed. The only thing the employee had told the other driver was if they had a problem with the policy violation, speak to her direct manager. This employee knew that she has a case of harassment.

There are many things that are happening around us that will eventually be one's own downfall. We have people that break rules, violate the law. It is not allowed to have ear phones for the safety of others. Yet, every day we have people that do it. We have people that violate traffic laws that are specific to our industry. Yet, it still happens. A tragedy will eventually happen. Not an IF, but a WHEN. I am going to make sure that it is told. When we have a safety issue, I TOLD YOU SO. 

People use our equipment for personal use. It is not an UBER! Three months 81 did this. I witnessed it three times. I referred the two of the incidents to management. The third time I knew it was NOT worth it. 7979 and 9191 witnessed 8181 do this for three months. it was not a so-and-so saw this and told us. 7979 and 9191 told 8181 to stop, she would get into trouble. All management did was send out an email stating it was a terminable offense. That was sent out before the third time I witnessed the same incident. 

Management wants things to look good for management. Management gets pissed if there is anything that goes against management in any way. 

There were two open positions in the office. I applied for both of them. The management sent a lead office staff out to do some interviews. Management  had NO INTENT on hiring from our department. Management brought in two people from different departments. Another lead was politically forced to another department. This lead was outspoken and smart. The lead that did the mock interviews is a good little soldier who will do as asked. It is all a legal farse. A facade of management's own innuendos and attitudes. Yet, manager does not take well to out spoken people. 

I question whether these people that were brought in has the credentials that were required for the position in the first place.

It is politics by design. Their own design. The palace will burn and we will encourage the flames.  

2019 Changes Roller Coaster

I can't believe that I have not written in over a year. I've thought about many times. I just never got a chance to sit down to type anything meaningful.

I have changes jobs. I went from a preschool teacher/bus driver to a full time bus driver with a school district in North Carolina. It is with Charlotte Mecklenburg Schools, 18th largest school district in the nation. Last year I drove bus 573. This year is 14. 

I love interacting with students. Even with the same routes everyday, not every day is the same. Some students do not ride the bus, some behavior issues, etc. I do not write up a child unless it is necessary.

I am passionate about being a teacher, even on the bus. I try to work with parents and the school before a write up is necessary. I have one child that I have seen progress with being able to sit down now versus at the beginning on the school year. Woo hoo! Many of my elementary students love to color. I have crayons and paper.

I may be the black sheep on the bus lot, just don't mistake that for a lack of passion and commitment to my students.

If I could drive a school bus every day all day, I would. It would be my ride everywhere. 

I've had a few panic attacks. Not many. My anxiety level has been a roller coaster this school year. I have been worried that I have taken a few steps backward in my peaceful zen. 

Stress of finances, house falling apart, and all the trifling idiots at work. Just so much right now. I wish that we (my mom and I) could just sell the 14 acre property and move to an apartment. Not in Charlotte, Charlotte is pushing a lot of low income families out. Maybe Pineville or a surrounding area. There are many bus lots I can transfer to.

It is fate, keeping the faith, and persistence. Maybe even destiny. Working towards a goal. I am proud to keep my students safe by God's hands and stay sane.

More to come!

Racism and Peace

In this country, how can we resolve the issue of racism? In simple terms: we cannot eliminate it. Why? Racism, prejudice, and bigotry will always be the darkness looming below the surface of humanity.

Just in the past month, one cop shooting a black man is one too many. As a preschool teacher who is also a bus monitor, I was floored back to reality when a child spoke of cops killing people (on the bus). Why would you expose your child to this injustice and hatred? As a 4-year-old, I knew he was smart enough to make the statement; yet, unable to think through the structural logic of his statement. It is not just a statement. It is an intricate web of social, moral, and racial inequities of our society.

It scare me as well. What will this child do if confronted by law enforcement? I cannot control the future nor can I predict it. I do not know what is in store for our future. I hope that by educating that we can overcome this looming darkness.

I believe we were all made the same on the inside by God. The unique part of us is our personality and skin. How boring would it be if we were all the same? I have 18 children in my classroom. There are about 22 children on my school bus. 40 children I encounter every day. One child can change the course of life in any given way.

Any person who engages in racism or bigotry needs to find some mountain town to live in away from our communities. Leave it at home. Our communities need to be rebuilt by equities by all, not just some.

Violence does not beget violence. It is hard to see past the piece of the puzzle in front of us. Can anyone see that the violence aggravates the broken pieces of humanity? The pieces have to be put together.

We first have to believe. In ourselves and each other. We can live in peace. It is possible. We can live in peace with respect if nothing else. Life is too short to lose people by violence.

We are so artificial.

Passion for Teaching

It had never been an issue where I was at, I taught someone something new. It usually was adults. Most adults did not want to learn anyway, I still tried. It is in my nature, my whole being is about teaching. I just love teaching. 

I chased after the almighty dollar. I was young and stupid. I did not listen to what life was telling me. I knew I should be a teacher, I just ignored it. If you know your path in life, follow it. It took me so long to finally follow mine.

I am inspired by our youth. Our future is in our teacher’s grasps.  There is so much going on in this world that is traumatic to our children. This trauma, whether it be socioeconomics or familial pain, has caused our children to be negatively reactive to their environment. Teachers receive these reactive children broke down unable to cope with their world they do not understand.

I am appalled by the stories I hear about teacher misconduct. Those that work in education know that there is very little monetary compensation. It is the love and compassion we strive for. What has gone wrong with teachers to make them turn evil? How did these people pass into our schools like a wolf in sheep’s clothing without notice? 

I have been tested to the edge and over the cliff. I have risen again without harm to a child. By the grace of God, I have the patience and stability to love, nurture, and teach children. I am blessed to be a teacher.

I am not, however, your typical teacher. I have manic red hair. I have tattoos. I have multiple ear piercings. I am not to be judged by what I look like. I see children the same way I see myself. We all are a unique piece of art. It is not by the skin to which you wear, it is by the heart and mind that gives you your canvas.

A year of sadness, sorrow, and changes

My inner sadness has been many a wave over the last several months. I’ve managed to tone it low. Some success and some failures have become the marsh of my land.

My journey in life has had difficult points. The hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am.  I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and struggles.

Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional barrier around me: anger and resentment.

I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are normal emotional swings of life.

My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional. Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.

A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and unrealistic.  This dome can be easily destroyed, unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.

Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right. Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.

Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t work. It ain’t gonna work, never!

As I move through grief, I question my life in spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.

My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record. Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!

I do not want to be consumed my whole life by anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.

As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.

Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he knew before we did about Buster and Precious.

The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness. Neither will we.

June Post

It is summer and I am out of school. I have several things I need to do.

First is to study for my CDL Bus permit.

Second is to get a summer job.

Third is to gear up for the new school year.

One of my cats got sick last month. He has hyperthyroidism. He has to take 1/2 pill twice a day. He had a bloody stool. I was freaked out. Apparently there were two things that may have caused it: eating non-food items or eating too much human food. Slipknot is pushy when it comes to what we eat. We will see what happens down the road.

All the personal news is slow. 

Wo am I? (poetry)

I am an individual

A distinction from the rest

I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister

I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart

I walk a quiet existence

On the edge of living - alone and cold

I watch, learn, experience, observe

Life as it changes seasons

Life is the instructor, I am the student

Rain falls into darkness - me

Pushing forward through my tears

Of sorrow and joy - alone I am

I walk through the rain for you

Always hoping to find my rainbow

On this journey people speak of

Something called life and living

A journey I must take

Alone with sorrow and pain

I need to understand why I am here

I am a lifelong learner - eternally

No matter what the weather may bring

I live by my emotions and my heart

This quiet existence, will anyone know me?

Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?

I believe through my intelligence

This sets me from the rest

My emotions make me human, alone

Emotions -

I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate

My horizons expand from dusk till dawn

I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow

The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am

Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears

To share and to love what has become of me -

Rather than to fear what wealth I will have

In the end, I will know a purpose -

My purpose - Who I am

Peaceful days and poetry

It has been very peaceful these past few days at work. Thomas hasn’t been seen so my tears have not returned. I cashiered yesterday which was a new experience. I am used to moving around a lot in my department constantly. I stood around for a while in between customers. I felt like I was slacking off. I zoned around my register.

A customer came up to my register with a few items. One of them was liver or gizzards. Anyway, the lid was coming off and there was a bloody mess. I wanted to throw up! My OCD was kicking in and it was about to get bad! Luckily I had hand sanitizer and disinfectant spray so I took care of the spill immediately. I let the customer know I appreciated him being patient as I cleaned the spill up.

I am slowly working on compiling my poetry on a flash drive. Once I have compiled everything, I will begin printing it off for my poetry notebook.  It is going to be in titled sections. I may post some poetry on my blog as I go along. I’m excited that this project is under way! Maybe I can get it published one day!

I’ve been enjoying the late shifts this week. It has given me time to blog and keep up with my poetry project. I have some early shifts next week.  I will try to keep up on adding poetry to the flash drive as time permits. I will make a recommendation to my manager that I enjoy the later shifts.

religion philspohy

I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ and his almighty grace. It’s grace alone by one’s faith that we are to get to heaven.

One fundamental question remains with me.

Why twist a religious belief to fit one’s own agenda?

Do they not know that they will be banished to hell for eternity for their selfish needs? It is a false righteousness that leads them down the path of hell.

This is a philosophical question that will never satiate the need for answers.

About Me

I am putting myself out into the world. I know there will be some crazies out there, but it is ok.  Here are some things about me that people would find interesting.

Most valuable characteristics I have are loyalty, caring nature, raw, passionate, intelligence, emotional, and common sense. Most annoying or weakest characteristics I have are being too emotional, my colorful language, and being a smartass.

My hobbies include a wide range of things and activities. I collect stickers and books from my favorite authors. I collect small legos. I journal, do crafts, write poetry, collect and watch DVDs, and enjoy music.  I enjoy many things, but these are the main hobbies I have.

My musical taste varies a lot. I enjoy classic rock such as Marshall Tucker Band and Allman Bros. Contemporary music consists of Sarah Mclaughlin, Maroon 5, Madonna, and Adele. When I get into a philosophical or a contemplative mood, I like to listen to Van Morrison, Al Stewart, and Jackson Browne. I do enjoy heavy metal. I was, am, and always will be a metal head. Some of my favorites include Ozzy and Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Cradle of Filth, and Judas Priest. My music palate is big  as I do listen a lot based on moods.

Television is very limited to me with no cable or satellite. I refuse to pay the high prices for low quality shit people call shows nowadays. Sons of anarchy is by far the most unique and retrospective show I have watched. I am a fan of Ron Perlman (SOA character Clay Morrow) so I had to pick up the seasons on DVD. Any shows or movies based on Stephen King novels such as Haven and Under the Dome are great. I don’t watch too many animated shows; however, I do enjoy South Park and Family Guy.  Other shows I watch include Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, Person of Interest, and American Horror Story. Shows like Criminal Minds, CSI, and Hannibal are great because of the psychological and legal aspects of crimes.  I will always be an X-Files and Charmed fan. I love supernatural oddities and magic. I love collecting movies and shows on DVD.

There are subject areas that interest me in many ways. Some of the main subjects I enjoy reading about include mythology, religion, magic (Wicca), supernatural, criminalistics, psychology, tattoos, and religion. Haunted houses are very interesting to investigate.

I consider myself a BBW which means big beautiful woman. I’m changing my habits to lose some weight. That will change in the near future. I have pierced ears and tattoos. Let’s talk about tattoos and piercings for a moment. I have my own limitations and have limits on other people. I will not be intimate with a man who has his pecker pierced. Just won’t happen at all! I will not pierce anything other than my ears. I will not risk losing any sensation or be scratched in my woman area. As far as tattoos, no part of my woman parts will be inked.

Religion is a very hot topic. I am a Christian; however, I do consider myself spiritually philosophical as well. I have never been a devout Christian because people twist religion to fit their needs, not by God’s way. I do attend church on Sunday.

Basic favorites: tea, Mexican food, fall, October, Halloween, horror/sci-fi/action movies, Sly Stallone, Stephen King, purple, sterling silver jewelry, and Aerosmith.

Positive Things

I worked Wednesday from 7 to 4. I was sent to another department for the day. My department manager and zone manager were talking about me staying in one department for 20 hours and the other department for 20 hours a week. It should give me about 40 hours a week. I was hired for one main department. Even though there is an additional department that is part of my area. It is fine for me to balance between the two departments. I would love to have more hours every week. Although a pay raise would be nice.

It would seem  that my zone manager is prepping me to manage myself in the other department. It is cool with me. I enjoy being a part of a team. There are times when I want to be independent and work by myself. I feel that I can get a lot of tasks done when I am independent. I like to balance it out.

I do see issues ahead.

First, I want to go back to USC-Lancaster to begin courses to finish my bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. I would like to add Psychology as well. Working full time may pose a time management issue with classes. I might have to work on Sunday afternoons. I feel that I can do it as long as USC and y employer can work with me.

Second, I worry about sales in my main department. A few people slack off a lot. Customers are our main priority. If we can't provide excellent customer service, sales will plummet. Our satisfaction rating will fall as well.  There are two associates that seem to be all-time slackers. One has an attitude problem. There other, well, he seems to forget he has to work, not run his mouth and float around.

Third, it's my crush on Thomas. It's not a issue to me. It might pose one to others if it got out bad. I talked to Thomas briefly Tuesday night. I was in the office with Latoya, Quisha, and Jarman. Thomas came in. I told him we were having a pow-wow. He said something and I said that they should listen to him. Thomas said to take care of me and that I was a trip. Damn straight. He's my sweetheart! All hands off my buddy!

Lastly, one minor issue at best. I hate mornings! I'm a late night owl! Owls are a majestic bird! Beautiful!

Closer to fine (indigo Girls) Philosophy

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine