2020 Wild Ride

It has been another year come and gone.

I have been working for a school district driving a school bus. Two years of politics and bull crap. That is another post.

I came and went at Head Start.  I began my journey of school buses there. I bounced.

2020 has seen its fair share of crap. We have a demented president. A viral pandemic. Economic disaster. Schools are up in the air about re opening to virtual learning or in class instruction or both. That leaves us drivers in turmoil.

I've had a rough year personally. Anxious. Scared. Lonely. Contemplation. Questions. Sickness.   

Mom had been sick with dehydration and severe diarrhea. Finally the doctor diagnosed her with collageanous ulcerative colitis. She is on medication that cost roughly $1200 a month. I was so off balance it affected my work and my mind.

I got suspended from work. I was on paid suspension for three weeks as I was out on leave dealing with a sick parent. 

I finally had the courage to speak up about my anxiety. My supervisor blew me off like a it was nothing. I will blog on that whole mess later. 

I have been trying to keep a rock solid mentality even through the worst of times. 

As of now, I am back on blogging. Steady pace. I need this.

Passion for Teaching

It had never been an issue where I was at, I taught someone something new. It usually was adults. Most adults did not want to learn anyway, I still tried. It is in my nature, my whole being is about teaching. I just love teaching. 

I chased after the almighty dollar. I was young and stupid. I did not listen to what life was telling me. I knew I should be a teacher, I just ignored it. If you know your path in life, follow it. It took me so long to finally follow mine.

I am inspired by our youth. Our future is in our teacher’s grasps.  There is so much going on in this world that is traumatic to our children. This trauma, whether it be socioeconomics or familial pain, has caused our children to be negatively reactive to their environment. Teachers receive these reactive children broke down unable to cope with their world they do not understand.

I am appalled by the stories I hear about teacher misconduct. Those that work in education know that there is very little monetary compensation. It is the love and compassion we strive for. What has gone wrong with teachers to make them turn evil? How did these people pass into our schools like a wolf in sheep’s clothing without notice? 

I have been tested to the edge and over the cliff. I have risen again without harm to a child. By the grace of God, I have the patience and stability to love, nurture, and teach children. I am blessed to be a teacher.

I am not, however, your typical teacher. I have manic red hair. I have tattoos. I have multiple ear piercings. I am not to be judged by what I look like. I see children the same way I see myself. We all are a unique piece of art. It is not by the skin to which you wear, it is by the heart and mind that gives you your canvas.

New Ally

Last week I realize that I have a new ally in the fight with depression and anxiety. It is an unexpected friend that I thought would never understand my plight. Out of respect for this person, I will not reveal who they are.  I will say welcome and thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me.

I will never gossip about anything. The only thing I will do is get you or someone help if they need it. Only if you are homicidal or suicidal or even have intent.

There is a stigma that will always follow us no matter what we do or where we go. We just don’t tell parts of ourselves. It is something we carry around privately from fear. It is the darkness in light.

 It is in fear of what people may think. People may think we are violent. Not true for the majority of us. There is only a small handful of people that are violent who have mental illness. People often do not know what to say. We are discriminated against. The media has polluted people’s thoughts about mental illness. That is the source of the violence, not the mentally ill.

Know this: we are not below any normally healthy person. We are not violent. We eat, breathe, and bleed like everyone else.

If we can’t put down our fears and lose the misperceptions of mental illness, we will never be able to overcome it. Never. It is in the same pot as racism and prejudice.

We can’t “get over it” nor should we hear it. Try telling a cancer patient or other physically ill to “get over it” and see what happens! You get over your misconceptions about mental illness.

That is all.

About Me

I am putting myself out into the world. I know there will be some crazies out there, but it is ok.  Here are some things about me that people would find interesting.

Most valuable characteristics I have are loyalty, caring nature, raw, passionate, intelligence, emotional, and common sense. Most annoying or weakest characteristics I have are being too emotional, my colorful language, and being a smartass.

My hobbies include a wide range of things and activities. I collect stickers and books from my favorite authors. I collect small legos. I journal, do crafts, write poetry, collect and watch DVDs, and enjoy music.  I enjoy many things, but these are the main hobbies I have.

My musical taste varies a lot. I enjoy classic rock such as Marshall Tucker Band and Allman Bros. Contemporary music consists of Sarah Mclaughlin, Maroon 5, Madonna, and Adele. When I get into a philosophical or a contemplative mood, I like to listen to Van Morrison, Al Stewart, and Jackson Browne. I do enjoy heavy metal. I was, am, and always will be a metal head. Some of my favorites include Ozzy and Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Cradle of Filth, and Judas Priest. My music palate is big  as I do listen a lot based on moods.

Television is very limited to me with no cable or satellite. I refuse to pay the high prices for low quality shit people call shows nowadays. Sons of anarchy is by far the most unique and retrospective show I have watched. I am a fan of Ron Perlman (SOA character Clay Morrow) so I had to pick up the seasons on DVD. Any shows or movies based on Stephen King novels such as Haven and Under the Dome are great. I don’t watch too many animated shows; however, I do enjoy South Park and Family Guy.  Other shows I watch include Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, Person of Interest, and American Horror Story. Shows like Criminal Minds, CSI, and Hannibal are great because of the psychological and legal aspects of crimes.  I will always be an X-Files and Charmed fan. I love supernatural oddities and magic. I love collecting movies and shows on DVD.

There are subject areas that interest me in many ways. Some of the main subjects I enjoy reading about include mythology, religion, magic (Wicca), supernatural, criminalistics, psychology, tattoos, and religion. Haunted houses are very interesting to investigate.

I consider myself a BBW which means big beautiful woman. I’m changing my habits to lose some weight. That will change in the near future. I have pierced ears and tattoos. Let’s talk about tattoos and piercings for a moment. I have my own limitations and have limits on other people. I will not be intimate with a man who has his pecker pierced. Just won’t happen at all! I will not pierce anything other than my ears. I will not risk losing any sensation or be scratched in my woman area. As far as tattoos, no part of my woman parts will be inked.

Religion is a very hot topic. I am a Christian; however, I do consider myself spiritually philosophical as well. I have never been a devout Christian because people twist religion to fit their needs, not by God’s way. I do attend church on Sunday.

Basic favorites: tea, Mexican food, fall, October, Halloween, horror/sci-fi/action movies, Sly Stallone, Stephen King, purple, sterling silver jewelry, and Aerosmith.

Passing Through

I’ve been having a hard time with my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him.  I feel screwed all the way around on romance at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.

I dropped off my readmission application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off request. At least I got that much.

Thursday night I had a severe emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.

Mom and I went to several Goodwill stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart.  It had been raining on and off all weekend.

I feel as though I am only passing through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp.  I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much.  I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin. Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen now does it?  It seems that I am eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.

HEARTBREAK, OTHER ITEMS

I can see that I may have set myself up for a heart break. Thomas was working Sunday. I am off Sundays.  I stopped by to see my department manager about adding a job code so I can get more hours. He recommended I talk to the managers who oversee the front end. I think Thomas was in a bad mood. I swear he had a small goatee under his lip. I spoke to Miss Barbara yesterday and she said it wasn’t his twin because his twin does not do that kind of work. I don’t know. It all threw me off a bit.

Sometimes when he is in a bad mood, it hurts my heart. I feel him emotionally. I feel that I may have set myself up to break my own heart. I allowed myself to become emotional over Thomas. I have a hard time handling these new emotional changes. I don’t understand them yet. Maybe I never will. I don’t like being on an emotional roller coaster at all. I’ve never felt so overthrown by emotion over a guy before. It is scary and unknown. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable; I want to get to know him and find out if we can work. I will do what it takes even if I have to find another job.

Mom had a rough weekend. She had three days off that were wrecked by a severe toothache. She went to the dentist yesterday to have it extracted. I left my keys in her car on Sunday. I was looking for a shirt she thought was in the car. Of course I did not realize I didn’t have keys until 30 minutes before I was scheduled to go to work. Mom had to turn around from work to give me keys. I was over an hour late for work. Shitty Monday.

I was in another department all day. I go back to my department and find 2 buggies of stuff that wasn’t worked. I get frustrated because there was an item that needed to be locked up that was sitting out for someone to steal. Luckily one of the third shift personnel offered to put up the items in my department. The buggy I had full of stuff I could not finish because my shift was up. I wonder what will happen today because I wasn’t able to do everything I needed to do. Oh, I will be speaking my mind about the buggies full of items that were supposed to be worked and weren’t!

Live by the heart, not the head

I am still crushing on Thomas. I know, I know. It gets old.

I have heart palpitations, I can’t seem to talk to him. I don’t understand these feelings I am having. It is very scary for me. I’ve had crushes before, none like this. I just want to cry. How can I be myself when I can barely speak normally and not feel so out of touch?

All I want to do at work when Thomas is there is hang out with him. I want to stare at him, ask questions about him, and talk about stuff.

Of course I feel like blabbing everything about me to him. Except my dark, gothic side. I’m not into any wild, dark kinky weird shit. I love metal and metal heads. Tattoos of course. I would get his name tattooed on me somewhere of his choosing.

I have plans today. Make a car payment, pay my phone bill, and join a gym. I need to lose 70 pounds. I am starting at 70 to get me started on losing weight and getting some muscle. I do not want to look bulky or anything similar. I just want to lose weight so maybe I can have a better chance with Thomas.

Maybe one day he can read my blogs about him. Yesterday he talked to me. My heart fluttered. I was in such a good mood. I hate being so shy! I just can’t seem to tell him. I get choked up, I want to cry, my anxiety is through the roof, and I say all the wrong things around him. Yeah, that is the scope of it right now.

I need to quit before I get all antsy and pass out!

Tragic Anxiety, A moment of happiness

Today has been rough for me. Too much anxiety and wanting to cry most of the day.  My eye candy, Thomas, apparently was having a tough day as well.
 

 The new guy, Mike, needed a Playstation 4 for a customer. I told him this would be a teachable moment. I asked Thomas if he had the key to the locked area of our stock room. He opened it up. I was explaining to  Mike that we bin and pick to maintain our inventory control. Thomas told me good job as he added what I had missed. Damn, so yummy! Still crushing over him, he made it even better today! Thank you! 

Anyway, Dee had me work on adding DVDs to the new fixture. I was fine until I finished it. I was lost without too much to do. Dee just rubs me the wrong way. I am at wits end. The whole department is being remodeled and re adjusted. This means that I am at a loss as to where everything is at. My OCD is in overdrive because everything has been uprooted. My routine and consistency has to be changed.

I told Angela I had OCD, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I felt better after I spilled it out to someone. I am beginning to get claustrophobia. Maybe it’s everyone who is working at the same time that is making my agoraphobia worse. I have been set in my own way working in the department. Everything has turned my insides outward!

I want so bad to tell my managers that I have issues. I am so scared that I will be rejected, look down on, and be too pitiful for work. I am screwed! At least I can hang on to what little things that have made me happy.

Missing my eye candy (Thomas)

I do not want to make people uncomfortable. I have never felt like this towards a guy before. I hope that I do not make him (Thomas) uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.


I have a hard time trusting people. I have been burned and stabbed in the back by people who I allowed into my heart and soul only to f**k me over. Royally.

I have told one person about my "eye candy" at work. I have this fear, whether rational or irrational, that everything will blow up in my face and my heart will be crushed. This heart fluttering and anxiety makes me wanna cry. It scares me a little bit.

He has been on vacation since last Tuesday. He was at work, so I heard, on Monday. Yeah, I was off!!! He has not been back. I'm off today (Thursday). Not sure if he is at work today. Frustrating.

What am I gonna do?? I'm just at my wits end right now.

Guy Crush

Thomas.
Tall, handsome, smart, just all around cool guy. Doesn't do fruit.

I've been crushing on this guy for a few weeks.

Last night was different.

He is going on vay-cay (vacation). Wow, my eye candy not around.

I got off at 7. He got off at 8. I didn't feel like going home. I stayed at work looking for Thomas. A bit stalkish I know. I just wanted to know what car he drove. Still don't quite know.

I just wanted to cry. Panic. Fear. All set in about 5:30. I was the only one in my department for an hour or so. I got flustered, no one was there to tell me to breathe. I was having a panic attack. I was fine after Andy came in. After I got to my car, it all set in again. I have been doing good until now.

Shame and doubt. Fear and vulnerability. Self-esteem at a low point.

I'm trying to lose weight myself. I've made a commitment and have lost a few pounds already. I want to be skinnier. Not too skinny. Still want to have some meat on my bones.

I am having trouble dealing with my emotions. This guy I hardly know has somehow twisted me all out of shape.

Passionate. Emotional. Raw. Tell-it-like-it-is. Smart-ass. Comical. Loyal. Spontaneous. Loving. Painfully shy at times. Hardened exterior.

Why is it so hard for me to find a guy like Thomas? I am so "wanting-to-know-more" about him, it is driving me crazy.

This crush is intense. I may be obsessive, never will I stalk anyone. My emotions are intense. Fighting back tears as I post this. Not sure what is happening to me. Wish I could bounce it off people. No one is around to do that.

Just want feedback.

Pay it forward throughout the year

Mom and I have Christmas all through the year. We buy ourselves stuff. We buy each other stuff. Not big things. It is just the two of us and our cats. This year we barely decorated. It was a hard Christmas for mom. We are the few family we have left.

I believe that we all should pay it forward. 

Donate your time to those that are in need. Go visit the elderly. Volunteer for the Humane Society. Reduce your clutter and take it to shelters. Everyone can use a blanket or a few clothes. Maybe toys that your kids don't play with anymore.  

The greatest rewards are those that bring joy, peace, and love to others. It isn't just the money that can help others, it is our time and care that mean the most. It leaves a lasting impression.

I also believe that we need to help others. I have seen the smiles and gratitude in the positive things we do for other people. 

Pay it forward people! You will become a better person for it!