Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

Politics - Sometimes I wonder about people

Sometimes I wonder about people.

I have seen a lot of politics in the workplace over the years. I grew up in the retail automotive industry since I was a kid back in Georgia. I've seen politics from Georgia to South Carolina to North Carolina. 

I learned a lot of nasty under handed crap just in the name of politics. I've been the one to purposefully NOT do the nasty things I've learned. It gets you NOWHERE in the long run. It is not a means to an end. You will fall eventually off that ladder of your facade of success. 

It seems that politics have taken over my department. It is a facade of innuendo and word play to cover one's rear end. 

An employee gets suspended for a violation in policy. The said employee turns herself in the same day it occurred.  Suspension took place about two weeks later (after the manager finally got around to it). During the employee's suspension, the violation gets looked at by other employees in the same department and another department. 

This is a violation of policy. It was brought to the manager's attention that the violation had been viewed by others. The manager blew it off as well as the manager's direct supervisor. 

Employee's suspension lasted three weeks and with pay. It was done. Over. Time to move on. Not so quite. A few weeks ago, a driver from another department approached the said employee about the incident. The driver said that she had allegedly seen the video and DSS was coming to get the employee. The employee told her manager who blew it off as innuendo and rumors. This is harassment and it is being allowed. The only thing the employee had told the other driver was if they had a problem with the policy violation, speak to her direct manager. This employee knew that she has a case of harassment.

There are many things that are happening around us that will eventually be one's own downfall. We have people that break rules, violate the law. It is not allowed to have ear phones for the safety of others. Yet, every day we have people that do it. We have people that violate traffic laws that are specific to our industry. Yet, it still happens. A tragedy will eventually happen. Not an IF, but a WHEN. I am going to make sure that it is told. When we have a safety issue, I TOLD YOU SO. 

People use our equipment for personal use. It is not an UBER! Three months 81 did this. I witnessed it three times. I referred the two of the incidents to management. The third time I knew it was NOT worth it. 7979 and 9191 witnessed 8181 do this for three months. it was not a so-and-so saw this and told us. 7979 and 9191 told 8181 to stop, she would get into trouble. All management did was send out an email stating it was a terminable offense. That was sent out before the third time I witnessed the same incident. 

Management wants things to look good for management. Management gets pissed if there is anything that goes against management in any way. 

There were two open positions in the office. I applied for both of them. The management sent a lead office staff out to do some interviews. Management  had NO INTENT on hiring from our department. Management brought in two people from different departments. Another lead was politically forced to another department. This lead was outspoken and smart. The lead that did the mock interviews is a good little soldier who will do as asked. It is all a legal farse. A facade of management's own innuendos and attitudes. Yet, manager does not take well to out spoken people. 

I question whether these people that were brought in has the credentials that were required for the position in the first place.

It is politics by design. Their own design. The palace will burn and we will encourage the flames.  

Elections

HOLY HELL WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY?

I have not heard a definitive agenda of either shit storm party yet. Donald Trump? Really?

HOLY SHIT. For a rare moment in my smartass history, I am stumped as to anything to say to this twilight zone election.

TWILIGHT ZONE featuring Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.

I will have to say that I would vote for Hilary Clinton on the sole fact she has experience as a first Lady. It's the lesser of two evils.

Donald Trump is a short fuse. Personal opinions doesn't always make the best public decisions for the masses.

This is a shock. No wait. Brexit. That was a shock, too. God please bless us all. A wild ride.

ADHD and a Student

It has been a hard road. One of my students who I will name Shamus Potter, has really tested me to the brink of quitting.

First off, he has been diagnosed with ADHD which is attention deficit disorder. His behavior shows some of the hallmark symptoms. He is a virtual human ball bouncing off the classroom walls.

Secondly, his behavior has gone way beyond his diagnosis of ADHD. He is disrespectful and a bully. He is aware of what he is doing.

Before anyone goes rattling off any negativity, read the following first:

First, I am not being highly specific due to confidentiality. Someone may be reading this and may recognize the specific child. I have to watch my words a bit.  The descriptions are accurate and did happen.

Second, I have limited experience working with special needs children. I have a lot of frustration due to my inexperience.

As I was saying . . . .

This child refuses to listen. He will not walk in line with his classmates. He runs up and down the hall as we leave from and come to our class room. 9 out of 10 he will NOT sit in circle time. He will find something else to do just to aggravate his classmates and his teachers.

My classroom is the 4^th one he has been in since he started preschool. His behavior is THAT bad. It has gone from being an issue to a severe problem. All children have some type of issue(s) which is correctable. Problems surface when there is NO consistency, parenting, or otherwise correctable action taking place.

He has threatened to shoot his classmates and the police. He has threatened to stab a teacher in the stomach. He will hit, kick, and punch his classmates if he does not get his way. He has hit me on several occasions, pulled on my clothes, and bit me on one occasion.

He has ran outside to the playground on several occasions. We and others have had to go get him. The other students suffer when we have to get him inside.

He is smart. He tends to ramble from one thought to another, patterns are always different. He will talk about doing harm to his mom, one of us, or one of the students.

This is just a small part in what has happened in the four months I have worked in this classroom. I am very concerned about him going to Kindergarten. Will he hurt someone? How long will he stay before he gets kicked out of school?

The biggest kicker is his mom. Shamus Potter’s pediatrician diagnosed him and prescribed medication for him. His mom gave us (the school) his medication. He only got it when he was at school (Monday – Friday). Holidays and weekends he never got his medication. His mother needs to get her head out of the sand to the critical situation.

Now, I do have a few pieces of advice. First is consistency in his schedules, routines, and discipline. Second is disciplining him to the fullest and consistently never surrendering control. Third is to make sure he takes his medication. The pediatrician prescribed the medication for this child to help him, not to label. Lastly, his mother needs to stop worrying so much about “labeling’ and be proactive. His mother needs to schedule a meeting with the principle, guidance counselor, teachers, and the special needs coordinator at her child’s new school to discuss her child’s behavior. This is an act of being proactive. The school can assist her and her child to be successful in school. Without this, the school is gonna get bombed with this hellion child.

 

After all the crazy negative, I still care about Shamus Potter!

Childless mother

According to Google . . . . . .

Fate is the development of events beyond a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power. Destiny is the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future. So, it seems fate has more control than destiny.

 

I am almost 40 years old. I’ve been an introvert most of my life. I’ve never been on a formal date with a guy. I am single with no children. My maternal need for children is strong. I have realized that certain things will not happen to me. Things such as marriage and children. My heart hurts and breaks at this. I have been trying to find some resolve to this fact. It is not working. I’ve been looking at men in a different perspective lately. This drive is very saddening for me. It scares me so much that I will lose the opportunity.

 

My life has had so many detours. Some have been my own doing. Others have not been. I’ve come a long way since I was a teenager.

 

I am not a whore nor am I promiscuous in any way. I don’t believe in having sex with a stranger just to create a child. I am a bit more old-fashioned than I ever imagined myself to be. I want to be in love with a guy and have a family. It is a hard task that will never leave my bucket list.

 

The sorrow is very overwhelming. The drive is just as overwhelming.

 

I want to feel what it is like to be pregnant. To hold my child after birth knowing I have such a precious gift. My heart says that I will be a great mother.

 

I am not sure if I want to work in the education field because of this strong desire. I will never take a child away from his mother unless the child is in immediate danger.

 

It just hurts.

Emotions Depression

I have a lot of things happen to me over the course of several weeks.

First, my car broke down. It is the water pump. The cheapest quote I got was $600 parts and labor. Mom just could not justify fixing it up again. It has an oil leak. I wanted to get it fixed so bad. Just one more time. Just once more! No. Mom and I did not have the money to fix it.

Well, the new job requires me to be at work at 5 AM. Mom and I had to get up around 3:30 AM so she could drop me off. She would drive up to Charlotte so she could be at work at 7 AM. She would get off around 5 PM and pick me up. Charlotte traffic is hell. It would be as late as 6 or 7, sometimes 8 or 9 by the time she picked me up. Go home and straight to bed. Get up and do the same thing. This lasted about 2 weeks or so.

We shopped around for cars. Cheap cars that would fit into a very limited budget. We are stretched very thin as it is. We found a car, finally. It might possibly have transmission problems. Shit. I am driving it right now until whatever happens. We fix it or it falls apart. I went by the insurance place to switch the insurance over to the new car. About $10 more a month. Not too bad. I have not registered the vehicle yet. I have some time to do that. It is managing okay right now. It shifts hard when it's cold. After it warms up, it does well. I stay on edge all the damn time!

Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have hit close to rock bottom emotionally. I have a hard time talking about it. It is almost as hard writing it.  I hold back my tears as hard as I can. This heart can only hold back so much.

I'm at a point where I have overcome something only to feel the emotions that I should have allowed to flow all through the situation. I can't seem to go a day without tears. I have panic attacks around lunch time. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have a few people I trust, I can't hold back the tears to talk to them.

If I tell them, what will they think of me? Weak? I have the fear that the worst will happen. They will feel uncomfortable around me because they won't know what to do or say. They may avoid me all together. I try to tell myself they won't have to worry because my training is almost over. I or they won't have to worry about it.

I am losing my anchor. I can handle change. What outsiders don't understand is that there is more to the situation that I am keeping hid. I don't want to force my hand to tell my dark secrets.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn't be normal. I've had several attacks over the last several months, the waves have been manageable. I am lucky that I have not needed medication to control them. Now, they are back. The irrational fears that come with attacks are back. It's more me crying than almost passing out like I used to. I do not miss those days at all!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is not "official" because it shows up mostly with my panic attacks. Many of the "symptoms" associated with OCD have become personality quirks that are manageable. Although it does flare up from time to time.  It is not about hand washing which is a common thought when it comes to OCD.

One of the main things that is a part of my OCD is counting and organizing. If I count anything, it is in threes. I organize things in order. If it is chaos to you, I know were everything is at.

I've been suffering from depression a long time. It is mostly situational and is very manageable. It can be serious sometimes. I am blessed that I have never been to a point of suicide. I thank God for that.

I do not have many friends. I have casual friends and acquaintances that I do not trust with my heart. All my family is scattered in Georgia and Alabama. The close friends I have are scattered.

I think Thomas feels sorry for me for not having friends. I have tried to talk to him at work a few times. I don't understand him. He is hot and cold. I can't handle that roller coaster. I know Mrs Barbara will listen to me and let me vent. I can understand to a point that Thomas is a manager and he is my boss. I don't want to get him into trouble for anything that looks like we are "too close" at work. I thought he would at least listen to me vent. I just want to talk. He knows I have a crush on him. I don't want romance or anything like that. I just want a friend. Am I asking too much even as a friend? Probably yes in his eyes. Compassion would be nice.

I just don't know right now. It's been a rough start to the year. I just want to say screw you and stay in bed. I have thought that I never wished I woke up. I know that sounds bad. It is what it is. Just tough. Sometimes you're alone no matter what happens. No matter if you reach out or stay in. It's all the same.

Commercialism

I hope everyone has had a serene holiday. 

It is time now to vent. 

I've been through the madness of the season. Increased traffic, madness inside stores, sour attitudes, and a host of crazy stupid people.

The holiday season is meant to celebrate the triumph of Christian ideology and family traditions of ole. 

We close stores early. Wee little ones eagerly await the arrival of Santa Claus on Christmas day. Sleep is very eluding in lieu of the anxious imp. 

The aroma of food and family enlighten the home with joy, happiness, and fulfillment. Family get-togethers are meaningful to the holiday season.

The traditions of family and many cultures always bring meaning to the holiday season. Irregardless of your beliefs, culture, or religion, the holidays are meant to bring peace and family together.

Why is it that stores are open beyond what is considered normal? Why do we need to spend money on things that we may use only a few times during the year? Things will sit in closets and every nook n' cranny of our houses collecting dust. Then the next holiday we beg for something new. It will collect dust with the other stuff that we have neglected throughout the year.

Many of us do not have a lot of family left. There are some people that commit suicide during the holidays because it is basically too much of a burden. Homeless people sit on street corners or in shelters with no one. 

Animals live where ever they can find a place to stay dry. Sometimes they are lucky enough to be in a good shelter.

You stand in line with the newest toys and the latest fashions. For what? Nothing! If you're lucky the toys and clothes will be used. It may end up broke and begin collecting dust like all the rest.

Here is some advice for all you who go through the Commercialized chaos of the holiday season: save your money!

Donate your time and unused items to the animals and people who are in shelters. Go spend time with the elderly who may never have any visitors. Why should we let people die alone and be alone. 

Commercialism equals asshole-ism. We are so needy, egotistical, and money driven that we ignore those that need us the most. We can take our spirit with us as we depart this physical plane. Not even one item will be allowed on that journey.

The greatest rewards are those that bring joy, peace, and love to others. It isn't just the money that can help others, it is our time and care that mean the most. It leaves a lasting impression. 

Holiday madness!

The holidays have gotten quite bizarre over the last few decades. I'd say the last twenty years at least! One radio station is playing Christmas music already! Thanksgiving is not quite here even! Wow! I see Christmas decorations out, music playing, and the looney tunes have come out. Any other time of year, it is a safe place to live. As the holidays approach, people seem to go off their crazy pills and go completely bizarre! It is a constant fight to get anywhere!

I do not shop for anyone anymore. I send my holiday cards out and my merry wishes for a great new year! There are no children in the house to shop for. All I want to do is get my necessary shopping done. I do not want any extras, no fights, and definitely not a night in jail because a looney tune decided to get hostile! This is what the holidays have come to: COMMERCIALISM! It is all about the buying, not the pure joy of the season.

I am old enough to remember the days when stores weren't open on Sundays. We ate at home most of the time. There may have been a few home town restaraunts open to get a low-cost Sunday dinner. We went to church on Sundays. You can shop at Wal-Mart 24 hours a day any day of the week. There are extended hours everywhere, black fridays after Thanksgiving, and high gas prices which are ridiculous!

I am so tired of dealing with all the bizarre craziness of the holiday season! I have wondered if there is a place that this madness did not exist. If there is, please let me know. I'd love to spend my holidays there instead of this bizarre world that is called "the holidays" - is it just me?

I am truly wishing upon a star that I can survive the madness.