I’ve been having a hard time with
my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I
will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to
recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and
dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating
her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him. I feel screwed all the way around on romance
at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been
trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard
for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am
curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.
I dropped off my readmission
application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the
same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same
company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked
for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work
and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off
request. At least I got that much.
Thursday night I had a severe
emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t
many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of
bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my
severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative
psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I
called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and
panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering
from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.
Mom and I went to several Goodwill
stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a
chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get
depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got
depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has
those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as
well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart. It
had been raining on and off all weekend.
I feel as though I am only passing
through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp. I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem
to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to
obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of
sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and
I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will
love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much. I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin.
Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen
now does it? It seems that I am
eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.
