A year of sadness, sorrow, and changes

My inner sadness has been many a wave over the last several months. I’ve managed to tone it low. Some success and some failures have become the marsh of my land.

My journey in life has had difficult points. The hardest points sometimes have been my defining moments in who I am.  I’ve let them be the worth of me. I understand I am not the only one who struggled. I will continue to have difficulties and struggles.

Change. It is inevitable. Change is intertwined into life itself. There is no free pass. My sadness requires a constant. One of my difficulties is accepting change when it requires an emotional upheaval. As a youngster, I was able to deal with change better when I had an emotional barrier around me: anger and resentment.

I allowed the barrier to be destroyed because I wanted personal growth. I can’t put that barrier back up again. It’s been tried with constant failure. I see a lot of barriers in people. Most of which are normal emotional swings of life.

My soul wants people to be sensitive and empathic as I am. I’ve experienced forgiveness. Anger and resentment have lifted off my heart and soul. When the barrier became null, I became more emotional. Emotional experiences can be overwhelming when they haven’t been there before.

A new barrier is being built. It is invisible and unrealistic.  This dome can be easily destroyed, unlike the wall before it. I do not know where to turn to meet people.

Grief. An emotion that is definitive and broad at once. Anxiety is my point of grief. It has hit me this year. Two of my fur babies have passed away. Buster in April. Precious yesterday. Just when I think I am cried out, tears flow. Grief is hard for me to handle. I don’t deal right. Out of sight out of mind only works when I’m not at home or not thinking about it. As these words are written, anxiety and blood pressure are high.

Things just can’t be discarded. I can’t just wish for a new place to live and it happen just because grief is affront. Many times I’ve wished a dump truck to appear at my house. Throw out things we don’t need and be done with cleaning the house. I know from experience that shit don’t work. It ain’t gonna work, never!

As I move through grief, I question my life in spades. What am I doing and how am I doing it. Psychology. I get so into the psyche and not know what the hell I’m doing.

My anxious mind and all the sorrow is deafening. It drowns out the happiness. All the thoughts that repeat like a broken record. Negative thoughts like hammers to nails inside my head!

I do not want to be consumed my whole life by anxiety and sadness. Happiness seems so close to touch, only to be far away when the blinders come off. How is this going to help me? How can I be of help to others when I can’t seem to help myself? Yelling out of frustration.

As I type my final words for today, I know that Buster and Precious are with mama and their brothers, Bandit and Tiger. I feel the grief and sorrow, just not the tears right now. Fear is settling in. Scary. My pets are my rock when the sadness comes. I don’t talk to mom out of worrying that she will worry too much. Wow, what a conundrum.

Mom and I are talking about getting a playmate for Slipknot. He is the last of our fur baby family. I worry about him. I think he knew before we did about Buster and Precious.

The future is ahead. Life won’t stop for grief or sadness. Neither will we.

Elections

HOLY HELL WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY?

I have not heard a definitive agenda of either shit storm party yet. Donald Trump? Really?

HOLY SHIT. For a rare moment in my smartass history, I am stumped as to anything to say to this twilight zone election.

TWILIGHT ZONE featuring Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.

I will have to say that I would vote for Hilary Clinton on the sole fact she has experience as a first Lady. It's the lesser of two evils.

Donald Trump is a short fuse. Personal opinions doesn't always make the best public decisions for the masses.

This is a shock. No wait. Brexit. That was a shock, too. God please bless us all. A wild ride.

June Post

It is summer and I am out of school. I have several things I need to do.

First is to study for my CDL Bus permit.

Second is to get a summer job.

Third is to gear up for the new school year.

One of my cats got sick last month. He has hyperthyroidism. He has to take 1/2 pill twice a day. He had a bloody stool. I was freaked out. Apparently there were two things that may have caused it: eating non-food items or eating too much human food. Slipknot is pushy when it comes to what we eat. We will see what happens down the road.

All the personal news is slow. 

ADHD and a Student

It has been a hard road. One of my students who I will name Shamus Potter, has really tested me to the brink of quitting.

First off, he has been diagnosed with ADHD which is attention deficit disorder. His behavior shows some of the hallmark symptoms. He is a virtual human ball bouncing off the classroom walls.

Secondly, his behavior has gone way beyond his diagnosis of ADHD. He is disrespectful and a bully. He is aware of what he is doing.

Before anyone goes rattling off any negativity, read the following first:

First, I am not being highly specific due to confidentiality. Someone may be reading this and may recognize the specific child. I have to watch my words a bit.  The descriptions are accurate and did happen.

Second, I have limited experience working with special needs children. I have a lot of frustration due to my inexperience.

As I was saying . . . .

This child refuses to listen. He will not walk in line with his classmates. He runs up and down the hall as we leave from and come to our class room. 9 out of 10 he will NOT sit in circle time. He will find something else to do just to aggravate his classmates and his teachers.

My classroom is the 4^th one he has been in since he started preschool. His behavior is THAT bad. It has gone from being an issue to a severe problem. All children have some type of issue(s) which is correctable. Problems surface when there is NO consistency, parenting, or otherwise correctable action taking place.

He has threatened to shoot his classmates and the police. He has threatened to stab a teacher in the stomach. He will hit, kick, and punch his classmates if he does not get his way. He has hit me on several occasions, pulled on my clothes, and bit me on one occasion.

He has ran outside to the playground on several occasions. We and others have had to go get him. The other students suffer when we have to get him inside.

He is smart. He tends to ramble from one thought to another, patterns are always different. He will talk about doing harm to his mom, one of us, or one of the students.

This is just a small part in what has happened in the four months I have worked in this classroom. I am very concerned about him going to Kindergarten. Will he hurt someone? How long will he stay before he gets kicked out of school?

The biggest kicker is his mom. Shamus Potter’s pediatrician diagnosed him and prescribed medication for him. His mom gave us (the school) his medication. He only got it when he was at school (Monday – Friday). Holidays and weekends he never got his medication. His mother needs to get her head out of the sand to the critical situation.

Now, I do have a few pieces of advice. First is consistency in his schedules, routines, and discipline. Second is disciplining him to the fullest and consistently never surrendering control. Third is to make sure he takes his medication. The pediatrician prescribed the medication for this child to help him, not to label. Lastly, his mother needs to stop worrying so much about “labeling’ and be proactive. His mother needs to schedule a meeting with the principle, guidance counselor, teachers, and the special needs coordinator at her child’s new school to discuss her child’s behavior. This is an act of being proactive. The school can assist her and her child to be successful in school. Without this, the school is gonna get bombed with this hellion child.

 

After all the crazy negative, I still care about Shamus Potter!

Taxes and other sorts

I filed my taxes. Woop!

I had bought a van. It needed major brake work. $500. Shit.

This is April and very slow!

Head Start has half of its classes as extended and the other half as standard. My classroom is extended. The standard gets out May 2nd. We get out June 3rd.

Word on the street is that we are moving to a new building next school year. Awesome. We have to pack our classroom up for the move before our school year ends.

Great, extra work.

Rainbow Bridge . . . . A Sadness

One of our cats, Buster, passed away.

Mom and I never announced it on Facebook.

We had to call the vet's after hours number. Our vet answered! It was his turn. We took Buster to see him. Mom and I knew it was the end of his life, he was seizing and meowing. We waited till late to take him to our vet. We worried he was in pain.

Our vet put  him to sleep allowing him to cross over that rainbow bridge.  

We haven't done anything with his remains yet. We are looking around for a cheap cremation for him. We have our Tiger and our Bandit with us on the mantle.

A new teacher's notes

I became a bus monitor for a few days on someone's bus. It was a new experience. Most drivers have a roster of who rides their bus. The monitor will write down when they get on the bus and when they exit. Pretty cool.

I was a substitute for another teacher's class until one of  the teachers came in. Each class has 2 teachers.

Our out-of-control child is getting the best of us. I'm sure the worst is yet to come. There are certain "symptoms" or "behaviors" that is consistent with ADHD; these same things manifest uniquely to the individual child. He has the disorder with other behavioral problems. He is beyond of "having issues", he is full throttle "having problems". 

Everything seems to go as planned. I have become an official assistant teacher with health benefits. I sign up in May!