Passing Through

I’ve been having a hard time with my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him.  I feel screwed all the way around on romance at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.

I dropped off my readmission application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off request. At least I got that much.

Thursday night I had a severe emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.

Mom and I went to several Goodwill stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart.  It had been raining on and off all weekend.

I feel as though I am only passing through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp.  I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much.  I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin. Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen now does it?  It seems that I am eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.

Living by my heart, soul

Last night at work I wanted to cry. It is as I figured and proposed. Heartbreak.

My life now is being ruled by my heart. My heart is of love, passion, emotion, soul, care, and goodness. My head is full of logic, anger, contemplation, and indifference. Both seem to find parallel paths in this world and in my life.

 

I found out that Thomas has a 27 year old son and a grand baby. It’s wonderful!!!!!!   J

I told a co-worker that hangs out with him my age. She is his buddy which is cool. He made a comment to the effect that time was running out. Shit! I wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to tell him that I know that already.

My heart tells me that often. I know my fertile years are dwindling down to zero. The sand in the hour glass is unbearable. I don’t want to be intimate with just anyone and end up pregnant. That is not how I want my life to be. I have more integrity now than I did when I was young.

My zone manager wanted me to zone our other department. It is a place of quiet contemplation for me. A co-worker wanted to go with me. I almost told her that I’d like to be by myself. Oh well. I do enjoy teamwork, sometimes I like the quiet contemplation that comes with the other department.

I wonder how I will be able to handle this heartbreak while at work. I’m not going to just quit. I need the job. I have three more months until I can transfer. Logic escapes me as to why I fell so hard for Thomas? I never fell for anyone else like this. I’ve had crushes, this is beyond my scope of logic. I’ve had panic attacks based on this crush or “falling in love” or whatever it is.

All I want to do is erase these last three months. Start over from scratch. I want to cry and scream and be mean. I can’t be a mean bitch like I want to be right now. I want to cover up everything. I want to scream and hit something, tear things up.

I am not sure what will happen at work today. I guess I need to bear the heartache. Hopefully I  can avoid him and my tears.

Positive Things

I worked Wednesday from 7 to 4. I was sent to another department for the day. My department manager and zone manager were talking about me staying in one department for 20 hours and the other department for 20 hours a week. It should give me about 40 hours a week. I was hired for one main department. Even though there is an additional department that is part of my area. It is fine for me to balance between the two departments. I would love to have more hours every week. Although a pay raise would be nice.

It would seem  that my zone manager is prepping me to manage myself in the other department. It is cool with me. I enjoy being a part of a team. There are times when I want to be independent and work by myself. I feel that I can get a lot of tasks done when I am independent. I like to balance it out.

I do see issues ahead.

First, I want to go back to USC-Lancaster to begin courses to finish my bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. I would like to add Psychology as well. Working full time may pose a time management issue with classes. I might have to work on Sunday afternoons. I feel that I can do it as long as USC and y employer can work with me.

Second, I worry about sales in my main department. A few people slack off a lot. Customers are our main priority. If we can't provide excellent customer service, sales will plummet. Our satisfaction rating will fall as well.  There are two associates that seem to be all-time slackers. One has an attitude problem. There other, well, he seems to forget he has to work, not run his mouth and float around.

Third, it's my crush on Thomas. It's not a issue to me. It might pose one to others if it got out bad. I talked to Thomas briefly Tuesday night. I was in the office with Latoya, Quisha, and Jarman. Thomas came in. I told him we were having a pow-wow. He said something and I said that they should listen to him. Thomas said to take care of me and that I was a trip. Damn straight. He's my sweetheart! All hands off my buddy!

Lastly, one minor issue at best. I hate mornings! I'm a late night owl! Owls are a majestic bird! Beautiful!

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HEARTBREAK, OTHER ITEMS

I can see that I may have set myself up for a heart break. Thomas was working Sunday. I am off Sundays.  I stopped by to see my department manager about adding a job code so I can get more hours. He recommended I talk to the managers who oversee the front end. I think Thomas was in a bad mood. I swear he had a small goatee under his lip. I spoke to Miss Barbara yesterday and she said it wasn’t his twin because his twin does not do that kind of work. I don’t know. It all threw me off a bit.

Sometimes when he is in a bad mood, it hurts my heart. I feel him emotionally. I feel that I may have set myself up to break my own heart. I allowed myself to become emotional over Thomas. I have a hard time handling these new emotional changes. I don’t understand them yet. Maybe I never will. I don’t like being on an emotional roller coaster at all. I’ve never felt so overthrown by emotion over a guy before. It is scary and unknown. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable; I want to get to know him and find out if we can work. I will do what it takes even if I have to find another job.

Mom had a rough weekend. She had three days off that were wrecked by a severe toothache. She went to the dentist yesterday to have it extracted. I left my keys in her car on Sunday. I was looking for a shirt she thought was in the car. Of course I did not realize I didn’t have keys until 30 minutes before I was scheduled to go to work. Mom had to turn around from work to give me keys. I was over an hour late for work. Shitty Monday.

I was in another department all day. I go back to my department and find 2 buggies of stuff that wasn’t worked. I get frustrated because there was an item that needed to be locked up that was sitting out for someone to steal. Luckily one of the third shift personnel offered to put up the items in my department. The buggy I had full of stuff I could not finish because my shift was up. I wonder what will happen today because I wasn’t able to do everything I needed to do. Oh, I will be speaking my mind about the buggies full of items that were supposed to be worked and weren’t!

Set fire to the rain (ADELE)

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing gets better

Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
As if that heart you caught is still waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from looking for you

I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh
Oh, oh

Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

Read more: Adele - Set Fire To The Rain Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Live by the heart, not the head

I am still crushing on Thomas. I know, I know. It gets old.

I have heart palpitations, I can’t seem to talk to him. I don’t understand these feelings I am having. It is very scary for me. I’ve had crushes before, none like this. I just want to cry. How can I be myself when I can barely speak normally and not feel so out of touch?

All I want to do at work when Thomas is there is hang out with him. I want to stare at him, ask questions about him, and talk about stuff.

Of course I feel like blabbing everything about me to him. Except my dark, gothic side. I’m not into any wild, dark kinky weird shit. I love metal and metal heads. Tattoos of course. I would get his name tattooed on me somewhere of his choosing.

I have plans today. Make a car payment, pay my phone bill, and join a gym. I need to lose 70 pounds. I am starting at 70 to get me started on losing weight and getting some muscle. I do not want to look bulky or anything similar. I just want to lose weight so maybe I can have a better chance with Thomas.

Maybe one day he can read my blogs about him. Yesterday he talked to me. My heart fluttered. I was in such a good mood. I hate being so shy! I just can’t seem to tell him. I get choked up, I want to cry, my anxiety is through the roof, and I say all the wrong things around him. Yeah, that is the scope of it right now.

I need to quit before I get all antsy and pass out!