Rainbow Bridge . . . . A Sadness

One of our cats, Buster, passed away.

Mom and I never announced it on Facebook.

We had to call the vet's after hours number. Our vet answered! It was his turn. We took Buster to see him. Mom and I knew it was the end of his life, he was seizing and meowing. We waited till late to take him to our vet. We worried he was in pain.

Our vet put  him to sleep allowing him to cross over that rainbow bridge.  

We haven't done anything with his remains yet. We are looking around for a cheap cremation for him. We have our Tiger and our Bandit with us on the mantle.

A new teacher's notes

I became a bus monitor for a few days on someone's bus. It was a new experience. Most drivers have a roster of who rides their bus. The monitor will write down when they get on the bus and when they exit. Pretty cool.

I was a substitute for another teacher's class until one of  the teachers came in. Each class has 2 teachers.

Our out-of-control child is getting the best of us. I'm sure the worst is yet to come. There are certain "symptoms" or "behaviors" that is consistent with ADHD; these same things manifest uniquely to the individual child. He has the disorder with other behavioral problems. He is beyond of "having issues", he is full throttle "having problems". 

Everything seems to go as planned. I have become an official assistant teacher with health benefits. I sign up in May!

February isn't for lovers

Last month, I did not mention I had a wreck. I was on my way to work when some chick in a Nissan pulled out in front of me to turn. I had  the right-of-way. The insurance company did total-loss on the car. I'm in a rental, a KIA.

One of our water pipes burst under the house. I had to fix it and wrap it because of freezing. It burst because it froze. I hate fixing shit. Just not, well . . . whatever! So damn tired of this house falling apart and staying here.

My job is still in tact. We had a Valentine's party for the children. It was fun. I have a child with ADHD who is out of control. We had a field trip to the library and it was fun. I'm so proud of my kids for showing their positive behavior! It was great and I let them know!

Mom had a sinus infection and stayed home a day. Ms Moore was out due to a stomach bug. I have not been out other than the day I had the wreck.

We had a teacher work day which was cancelled. A parent - teacher conference went well. Yay!

January UPdate

The job I had in December did not pan out. I am back in the education/Child Care field once again. This time it is at one of the local Head Start centers in South Carolina.

I have been at this job a week. I am nervous and out of touch with teaching. Students have had several teachers since August 2015. Ms Moore seems to be a great teacher. We have a good ways to go to mesh our teaching styles.

I hope I will have this job for a while. I am a substitute right now. I have to get my CDL for buses. It seems that the assistant teachers are either monitors or bus drivers. It's something new. If this job does not work out, I can still get my CDL and drive for the school system or some other child care center.

19 children. The maximum is 20. Ages are from 3 to 5 years old. All preschool age. This is a program that helps children be ready for Kindergarten and public school.

I am going to be different. I have tattoos. I can wear comfortable clothes. My hair is red.  Well, at least the longer part of my hair. It has grown out some.

New Ally

Last week I realize that I have a new ally in the fight with depression and anxiety. It is an unexpected friend that I thought would never understand my plight. Out of respect for this person, I will not reveal who they are.  I will say welcome and thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me.

I will never gossip about anything. The only thing I will do is get you or someone help if they need it. Only if you are homicidal or suicidal or even have intent.

There is a stigma that will always follow us no matter what we do or where we go. We just don’t tell parts of ourselves. It is something we carry around privately from fear. It is the darkness in light.

 It is in fear of what people may think. People may think we are violent. Not true for the majority of us. There is only a small handful of people that are violent who have mental illness. People often do not know what to say. We are discriminated against. The media has polluted people’s thoughts about mental illness. That is the source of the violence, not the mentally ill.

Know this: we are not below any normally healthy person. We are not violent. We eat, breathe, and bleed like everyone else.

If we can’t put down our fears and lose the misperceptions of mental illness, we will never be able to overcome it. Never. It is in the same pot as racism and prejudice.

We can’t “get over it” nor should we hear it. Try telling a cancer patient or other physically ill to “get over it” and see what happens! You get over your misconceptions about mental illness.

That is all.

Giving up

So many dark clouds hang over me right now. I have become unmanageable.

I reach out and no one understands. My thought processes go unnoticed. I write in literary terms, not too make everything too damn clear. Maybe I speak to the wrong people. People are too comfortable in believing I will always be okay.

Here is the thought for the day: I am NOT okay. Miserable. Anxious. Edgy.

I had a speech to give in my speech class. I was fine and okay until the moment I got up to talk. I lost it. I did not speak clearly. I fumbled on my power point presentation. I knew the material inside and out. I cannot speak in public. I was the last one to go. I had a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. I did everything I could not to lose what control I had left. I do not do well in public. I am a “behind-the-scenes” person.   

I have been able to manage my depression, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. It is boiling over now. I generally know when my periods are close because I feel the PMS cramps a week before. It is only relevant to my misery. All of it is worse the week before and the week of my period. I believe it is PMDD. I step beyond just having PMS like normal women.

I have been crying so much. On the other hand, I feel that I just don’t fucking care. I say the F-word a lot. I say ‘whatever’ a lot. I have anxious feelings where ever I go. I do not want to go anywhere. I sleep too much. I crave ice cream and coffee. I really do not care if we sell the house. I do not care if the house gets cleaned.

I feel that I have scared some people off. Thomas doesn’t talk to me anymore. All I want is a friend who checks in every now and again. I miss Ms. Barbara. She knows how I feel. I took a chance when I was offered opportunities. Everything is so different now. I want it back. I want my friends back! I think Thomas knows I’m broken. I feel like I’m the person on the other side of the tracks that no one wants to talk to.

People tend to be afraid of people like me. I am not violent. I know I’m a good person. People are homeless. Children are homeless. Animals roam the streets. Children, animals, and people are being abused every day. It breaks my heart.

All through time with my demons in tow, I still have managed to be kind hearted, reaching out to people, and trying to make sure that I stay in touch with people that I care about. Some of it seems to go unnoticed. Oh well. I need to be more of a selfish bitch.

I have to do something to get better. I have a few options to get there. I have to be strong enough to get through these dark clouds.

Childless mother

According to Google . . . . . .

Fate is the development of events beyond a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power. Destiny is the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future. So, it seems fate has more control than destiny.

 

I am almost 40 years old. I’ve been an introvert most of my life. I’ve never been on a formal date with a guy. I am single with no children. My maternal need for children is strong. I have realized that certain things will not happen to me. Things such as marriage and children. My heart hurts and breaks at this. I have been trying to find some resolve to this fact. It is not working. I’ve been looking at men in a different perspective lately. This drive is very saddening for me. It scares me so much that I will lose the opportunity.

 

My life has had so many detours. Some have been my own doing. Others have not been. I’ve come a long way since I was a teenager.

 

I am not a whore nor am I promiscuous in any way. I don’t believe in having sex with a stranger just to create a child. I am a bit more old-fashioned than I ever imagined myself to be. I want to be in love with a guy and have a family. It is a hard task that will never leave my bucket list.

 

The sorrow is very overwhelming. The drive is just as overwhelming.

 

I want to feel what it is like to be pregnant. To hold my child after birth knowing I have such a precious gift. My heart says that I will be a great mother.

 

I am not sure if I want to work in the education field because of this strong desire. I will never take a child away from his mother unless the child is in immediate danger.

 

It just hurts.