Panic, anxiety, pissed off, and other assortments

Yesterday Thomas walked by me and said hello. My heart melted. That made my day! 

I have asked Ron and Angela about Thomas. Angela said that Thomas has a twin. Angela also told me to talk to Barbara. Barbara went to school with Thomas and his twin. I am venturing out a bit to see what I can find out. 

Ron doesn’t know too much about him. Ron also knows that I have Panic Disorder and panic attacks. I haven’t told him about my OCD yet. 

I was at a cash register the other night when a customer bought some meat. It was leaking. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I asked Chad (store manager) if there were any sanitizing wipes, he said he’ll check. One of the CSM gals found me some. I wiped the whole damn register down! Not to mention my arms, drink, and anything else I could find to wipe down! 

Yesterday, Dee, a zone manager, pissed me off. It was over a palm pilot. I told her I’m usually the one who does online orders cause no one else gives a shit about doing them. I asked Ron if there was ever a person who he barely knew that just rubbed him the wrong damn way or raw. He said yeah. I told him about Dee. He said she is pretty much crass all the time. I would need to let it roll of me cause you never know when she is kidding or serious. Apparently she tends to piss people off regularly.  

I am so tired of people leaving me and others on the floor by ourselves. There is a new guy in the electronics department. On top of that, we are redesigning the whole electronics department. I got stuck with scanning clearance for recalls and NOF items. I just feel that I’m not included in things. 

I’ll be there three months at the end of June. Screw all of them if they want to be queen bitch! I’m a smart and resourceful chick anyway. I am opening up to Ron more so than others. I am trusting him not to betray me.  I hope that we can be friends.

Missing my eye candy (Thomas)

I do not want to make people uncomfortable. I have never felt like this towards a guy before. I hope that I do not make him (Thomas) uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.


I have a hard time trusting people. I have been burned and stabbed in the back by people who I allowed into my heart and soul only to f**k me over. Royally.

I have told one person about my "eye candy" at work. I have this fear, whether rational or irrational, that everything will blow up in my face and my heart will be crushed. This heart fluttering and anxiety makes me wanna cry. It scares me a little bit.

He has been on vacation since last Tuesday. He was at work, so I heard, on Monday. Yeah, I was off!!! He has not been back. I'm off today (Thursday). Not sure if he is at work today. Frustrating.

What am I gonna do?? I'm just at my wits end right now.

Far Away (NickelBack)

I know this seems kinda "stalker", I promise it is not. I have panic attacks when I think of a guy named Thomas who works for the same company as I do. Please see prior posts. I heard this song on the radio.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know


So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you

For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Closer to fine (indigo Girls) Philosophy

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

Broken (Lifehouse)

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Guy Crush

Thomas.
Tall, handsome, smart, just all around cool guy. Doesn't do fruit.

I've been crushing on this guy for a few weeks.

Last night was different.

He is going on vay-cay (vacation). Wow, my eye candy not around.

I got off at 7. He got off at 8. I didn't feel like going home. I stayed at work looking for Thomas. A bit stalkish I know. I just wanted to know what car he drove. Still don't quite know.

I just wanted to cry. Panic. Fear. All set in about 5:30. I was the only one in my department for an hour or so. I got flustered, no one was there to tell me to breathe. I was having a panic attack. I was fine after Andy came in. After I got to my car, it all set in again. I have been doing good until now.

Shame and doubt. Fear and vulnerability. Self-esteem at a low point.

I'm trying to lose weight myself. I've made a commitment and have lost a few pounds already. I want to be skinnier. Not too skinny. Still want to have some meat on my bones.

I am having trouble dealing with my emotions. This guy I hardly know has somehow twisted me all out of shape.

Passionate. Emotional. Raw. Tell-it-like-it-is. Smart-ass. Comical. Loyal. Spontaneous. Loving. Painfully shy at times. Hardened exterior.

Why is it so hard for me to find a guy like Thomas? I am so "wanting-to-know-more" about him, it is driving me crazy.

This crush is intense. I may be obsessive, never will I stalk anyone. My emotions are intense. Fighting back tears as I post this. Not sure what is happening to me. Wish I could bounce it off people. No one is around to do that.

Just want feedback.

Summer is brutal!

I hate summer.

I have no A/C in my car. Heat equals death.

That is all.