Rainy Day Weight Loss Vent

It has been rainy all day today. I will have a hard time this winter as I have become slightly intolerable to the cold.

I spent about 3 hours at the doctor's office this morning as a walk-in. I still have not quite got my mojo back. Just tired, weak, muscular aches/pains, and general feeling of unwell. Among other symptoms.

I have a theory. I feel it is my thyroid. All my symptoms coincide with a slow thyroid. The doctor said it could be a vitamin D deficiency. I gave some blood for a few general tests. Most of the tests will be for my thyroid, vitamin D deficiency, diabetes, and sodium/potassium ratio. There is about 7 tests in all. If they all come back negative, then the doctor will do more specialized tests.

I've spent about three months eating healthier and exercising. The scale showed a 5 pound loss. I'm like, what the hell? I've busted my ass at the gym. I've been retraining my taste buds for healthier foods. Eliminating at least 60% of the crap I put in my body. I've put healthier foods in my body. I know it takes time to completely get rid of all the bad crap that I would normally eat.

I am totally disappointed. I pigged out today. I want to scream and cry. I drink at least a  quart of water a  day. Sometimes 2 or 3 quarts of water. Shit. There is something wrong. No damn doubt. I'm serious as a damn heart attack about getting better and nothing has budged.

I've just been completely crapped out. If my thyroid test comes back normal, I will be shocked as hell!

Oh, did I mention I have tendonitis in my right elbow and wrist?!?!?! Damnit!

Career Change . . . Possibilities

At my job, we have the choice of opening our career preferences to different areas and advancements. Mine are wide open except for the vision center and pharmacy.

In the past two weeks I've done two different phone interviews for two different positions. One is part time. The other is full time.

The first phone interview I did was for Personnel Coordinator/Support Manager. When I'm not in the personnel office, I am out on the sales floor as a support manager for management and staff. This is full time.

The second phone interview was for accounting. It is part time. I believe I will be out on the floor when I am not in the accounting office.

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I feel sorrow and anxiety. I know doors have been opened for me. I am scared to walk through them. I have gotten myself into a groove at work. My OCD has allowed me to get into the  groove and some semblance of a set pace.

If I am offered either of these jobs, I will be leaving Mr. Thomas and Mrs. Barbara. My two most favorite people! It almost makes me want to cry I will miss them so much. They are the reason I go to work!  Some days are bad and they make it better.

I don't want to do myself a disservice. I have been having anxiety attacks over this whole mess. I just need to think about it and go over everything!

Feeling under the weather

It has been almost a month since I posted. A lot and a little has been happening.

I've been working 35 to 40 hours a week. I've also been going to the gym to try to lose weight. I have not been to the gym in over a week. I've lost my motivation. I'm trying to get it back.

Lately, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. A lot of muscular aches, tiredness, sleepiness (lack of sleep), fatigue, and lack of memory - brain usage. It has eased up this week a bit.

There is still a lot of drama at work. All the drama is very draining. I feel drained when I'm at work. It's tiring dealing with so much shit and no way to relieve the stress. Thomas has been stretched every which way at work, too. He and I seem to be one of the few people who actually work!

There are days when I just want to act stupid and not know how to do anything. Basically, I want to have a day where I can slack off like others do. It bothers me when I do that. That is the worst part. I added a cashier shift. For 4 hours I stood at a register and rang up customer's items. That, to me, is slacking. I am NOT saying cashiers slack off in any way. It is for me personally.  Just to have a day where there is no drama and I am not running from here to there all day long.

I'm trying to get my mojo back. I must make a doctor's appointment to see what is happening to me. Maybe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia?  Not sure. I will update as I go along.

Away and Afar

It's been a while, I know. It is never easy being an adult. Adulthood sucks.

I still have a crush on Thomas. We has become social at work. Yay! Ms Barbara and I talk a lot now. I've joined a gym. Really started working out trying to lose 70 pounds. I'd like to lose it in a hurry. I need to tan some.

There is a lot of drama at work.

Sarah has such a negative attitude lately. She takes extended lunches, leaves early, and takes more breaks than allowed. Her attitude has gone down the toilet. I told her that she will get herself fired. She told me she doesn't really give a shit. She states that she is tired of the way Wally World treats her. She left Monday after only been at work for a little over an hour. She claims she has a stomach virus. Its her stomach, it's her blood pressure, or its hives. It is some excuse to leave or not be on the sales floor. One person from the department next to mine says that he is such "a f**king b**ch" and that she "hates her guts". Another person states that she has a nasty attitude.

Then there is Quincy. He chases ass all the time. He constantly leaves the department to go talk to girls. He undermines others in the department. He leaves projects unfinished. He does not complete the normal tasks assigned at all. He has a foul mouth and talks bad about others. I talked to our store manager about an incident involving Quincy over a week ago. We worked the late shift one evening together. I was doing layaways. He was out on the sales floor helping customers and ringing up purchases. At least I hope he was. Anyway. He comes back to tell me that I have customers waiting at he register. According to one customer, he walked off  in the middle of the transaction. I apologize to the customer. I voided out the items and rescanned them to for the customer. I asked if the customer would wait and allow me to help the other customers so I can focus on activating his Family Mobile Cell service. He left. Quincy said he would label and put up my layaways. He left half my layaways out, some unlabeled.

I told the store manager about the situation and he said he would follow up. He has yet to follow up with me. Not sure if he will.  I worked with Quincy  for about two hours today. I was pulling recalls off the sales floor. Not much interaction. this is the first time in over a week that I have worked with him.

I'm just tired of the bullshit and lack of hours. I put my transfer in to three other stores. As of yet I have not heard back. Just so tired. This week I is a full forty hours. Surprise! Probably won't happen again until it gets closer to Thanksgiving. Sarah and Quincy are working tonight. I think Latoya is working in layaway. Oh boy! Qua, our department manager, made a statement to the effect of "there is no one I trust to bin after you and Angela leave". Yep. Oh well.

There have been days when I just do not feel that my heart is in it to go to work. I called out last week. I aggravated old ankle sprains.  I had 22 hours. I can't survive off of the pay I make. I just wish I could get a pay raise or move into a position where I make a bit more money.

A while now

Been a while now since I posted something of the personal nature.

I got two buddies at work, Ms. Barbara and Mr. Thomas. Yes, the same Thomas I had a crush on. Still do, just not crazy sexy like it was. We talked a few minutes in the associate lounge yesterday evening. I enjoyed it. Casual conversation and good times. A time to wind down and smile a bit.

For the past few days it has been crazy with customers going crazy and rude. I think I am one of the few who actually give a damn to work.

There is a new manager for our department. It will be officially six months on the 29th since I was hired. This new manager will be the third since I was hired. What the hell is up with that?

I'm on the verge of joining a gym. The same gym that Thomas goes to. Oh shit. I mean oh snap. Whatever. I am at odds whether or not I want to cross paths with him at the gym. I need to lose weight. Get rid of some of the pudge I got. I will have to take it step by step to see how weird it will get, if it does.

Anyway, I am gonna sail out for now. got some stuff to do before going to work. Damn.

Hate Me?

Perfect!

Long Time Roller Coaster

It has been a long time since I posted a blog.

My apologies.

I've been off my anxiety medication for a few weeks now. My anxiety is relatively stable. I'm surprised that I'm so calm. Although . . . here is it . . . . but, my anger and attitude are on high alert. Not to the point of rage or ever hurting anyone. I'm surprised that my attitude has changed and my anxiety is so low. Oh well. I will continue to see how it goes.

I'm taking an over-the-counter thyroid supplement I got off Ebay.  It seems that it may not be working. Maybe it is. I don't know. I usually take about 5 pills a day. it is supposed to rev up my thyroid and metabolism. I am using it as a weight loss supplement. I don't really feel anything different. I guess it would help if I took it regularly.

Now on to a more talked about subject. Thomas. He is a roller coaster. I feel like he is cool with me one day and not the next. What the hell? All I want to do is chill with him, friends, whatever. He is a major source of my anxiety. Sometimes. I can't deal with this on-again off-again crap.

His son, Jared, is hot! I saw a picture of him on Facebook. Wow! Anyway. Moving on.

I worked third shift last week for three days setting the mods and stocking Halloween! It was fun. It was Ted, Melissa, and I working. We got a lot done. There were times when I felt like shit.I can't handle many days on third shift.

I got into a tiff with one of my co-workers about two weeks ago. I went looking for her to get the keys to help a customer. I could not find her. I paged her. Our manager had her paged. She got pissed and threw a hissy fit out on the sales floor in front of another co-worker and a customer. I was furious. I walked off to cool down. After I cooled off, I went to our manager and explained the situation. I asked to be moved to another department. He told me to think about it over the weekend. I did. I told him I would like to be moved to another department. It has been a week. I talked to Brandon about moving to sporting goods. He said he will talk to the store manager about opening up a position there.

There is too many people in my department and the way we are scheduled sucks. I was by myself for five hours one night. I mean, what the hell? Morale is low and team work is almost non-existent.  I do not want to quit. I will be there six months at the end of September.

Life sucks.  

WHAT A NIGHTMARE, NEW WISDOM

I was on third shift for seven days. Sleep, eat, and work. That is all I did for seven days straight. My body, mind, and spirit were out of sync with the atmosphere and from within. My pill regiment was completely out of whack. I probably gained what few pounds I have lost. I’ve been moody, bloated, and on the verge of crying. I’ve realized that I can’t handle this much change. 

I’ve posted a tidbit of this blog post on Facebook:

 

           For seven days straight, I have done three things: eat, sleep, and work. No sunlight. My body, mind, and spirit are out of sync with the atmosphere and from within. Today I am able to get back in sync with the world around me. I saw Ms. Barbara today. She made my day with a smile. I talked to Brandon. He said to go back to my schedule. I cannot handle the loneliness of that shift. I did NOT miss the drama of the world on first and second. I have gained a lot of wisdom over these last few days. My day off was taken away from me. I missed meeting with one of my best friends!

A bit of wisdom is that my body is a lot older than my spirit and personality. Only real people can love me for my strengths and weaknesses. If you can’t, get the hell of my train ride! So much anxiety from within me that made me cry. I could not stock and zone as much as I wanted to. I wanted to do the best I could within the time frame of my shift. I just could not do it all. I take pride in my work and sometimes I take too long to do it.

I have so much wisdom. I need to do some spiritual healing and get myself together. I hope I can come back a better person for all of this.

COLLEGE

As it stands today, I have 2 completed associates degrees, 1 associates degree is lacking three classes, and an unfinished bachelor's degree. I am trying to get back into USC - Lancaster to finish my bachelor's degree. They are making it hard for me to do that. I have to fill out "academic progress" forms because they are counting my associate degree classes against me. Why has it become so hard for people to progress to a higher level of achievement? I have to write a letter explaining absence away from college and why it is taking so long for me to complete the academic program. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to pursue a student loan debt to achieve personal progress.

I will try to complete everything before classes start. I just hope it will be enough to get that long-earned piece of paper!

New beginnings

It seems that I have a new perspective on things right now.

I checked my schedule Saturday to see when I would be working. My schedule changed to third shift beginning on Sunday night. I was off this weekend. My third shift started Sunday night from 10 pm to 7 am.

This means I get a break from my department and the slackers who work with me. No more pushing me around and getting pissed off at the slackers not doing their job. I used a palm pilot last night and I got a call from work asking where it was. Pissed me the hell off!  

Third shift will give me time to adjust to my emotional whirlwind. It has calmed down substantially since Friday. Thomas and I are Facebook friends. He is married. He has grown children and a grandchild. I can live with knowing that he is in a happy place and we are ok with each other.

About a week and a half ago we had three palm pilots in my department. Now we are down to one. I searched really well for the lost one to no avail. Don’t f**king call me about it. Don’t chew my ass out about it. I’m so f**king tired of hearing about the damn palm pilots. It is not my fault that everyone else can’t keep up with them! There is a lot of traffic through my department. Someone probably got it and never returned it! F**k off people! I am definitely going to bring this shit up with the store manager.

I have a headache. This is my third day on third shift. I am not cut out to do this shift. I am stocking back-to-school supplies. The school supply area is atrocious! It is always messy when I come in. It has to be seriously organized so I can stock and get as much merchandise out as I can.

Anyway, I see myself coming full circle with my crush on Thomas and coming to terms with it. I am wiser from the experience.

Emotional Experiences

It’s Friday and I’m off. Brandon asked me if I would be interested in working third shift for three weeks to stock back-to-school supplies. He asked me last night. I said I would. He told me to see Ms Vicki. I am on it. It will be forty hours. I’m glad I get a break from my department. I’ve seen Thomas since my last post. I’ve had some anxiety. I saw him today and he said hello. I said hey as I was leaving from speaking with Ms Vicki. I miss our old manager, Frank. It just feels different in my department now. So much drama and crap going on.

I’m still obssessed with Thomas. I have to move through this. I feel like crying right now as I write this. I felt as though finding a guy like Thomas. I may have jumped off the cliff too hard in this situation. I’m mad and upset. It is something you’ll never get over. You have to chalk it up to personal experience and move on. I just don’t know what happened to me. Maybe one day I will figure it out or realize I’ve known all along and admit to myself what it was. I’m lonely and really would love someone. I hope that all my personal experiences with this crush and anxiety doesn’t send me to the loony bin!

I’m trying to get back into USC-Lancaster. I’d like to transfer to the store in Lancaster if I can get started this fall semester. I can work and take classes without all the travelling. It would be great. I can keep up with my blog and school work. I would not have to venture to far to go to work with my college class schedule. I hope I can get everything done to get back in before the semester starts.

One of my best friends is suffering a personal loss. Her grandmother passed away a few days ago. My heart hurts for her. I know what it is like to lose a grandmother. My grandmother passed away ten years ago. Mom and I were there when she passed on. I’m glad MacKenzie was there with her granny in the final moments. I just want to hold her and take the pain, grief away. It is something that we all must work through in life as much as we fear, loathe, and hate the experience.

Wo am I? (poetry)

I am an individual

A distinction from the rest

I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister

I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart

I walk a quiet existence

On the edge of living - alone and cold

I watch, learn, experience, observe

Life as it changes seasons

Life is the instructor, I am the student

Rain falls into darkness - me

Pushing forward through my tears

Of sorrow and joy - alone I am

I walk through the rain for you

Always hoping to find my rainbow

On this journey people speak of

Something called life and living

A journey I must take

Alone with sorrow and pain

I need to understand why I am here

I am a lifelong learner - eternally

No matter what the weather may bring

I live by my emotions and my heart

This quiet existence, will anyone know me?

Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?

I believe through my intelligence

This sets me from the rest

My emotions make me human, alone

Emotions -

I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate

My horizons expand from dusk till dawn

I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow

The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am

Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears

To share and to love what has become of me -

Rather than to fear what wealth I will have

In the end, I will know a purpose -

My purpose - Who I am

Peaceful days and poetry

It has been very peaceful these past few days at work. Thomas hasn’t been seen so my tears have not returned. I cashiered yesterday which was a new experience. I am used to moving around a lot in my department constantly. I stood around for a while in between customers. I felt like I was slacking off. I zoned around my register.

A customer came up to my register with a few items. One of them was liver or gizzards. Anyway, the lid was coming off and there was a bloody mess. I wanted to throw up! My OCD was kicking in and it was about to get bad! Luckily I had hand sanitizer and disinfectant spray so I took care of the spill immediately. I let the customer know I appreciated him being patient as I cleaned the spill up.

I am slowly working on compiling my poetry on a flash drive. Once I have compiled everything, I will begin printing it off for my poetry notebook.  It is going to be in titled sections. I may post some poetry on my blog as I go along. I’m excited that this project is under way! Maybe I can get it published one day!

I’ve been enjoying the late shifts this week. It has given me time to blog and keep up with my poetry project. I have some early shifts next week.  I will try to keep up on adding poetry to the flash drive as time permits. I will make a recommendation to my manager that I enjoy the later shifts.

religion philspohy

I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ and his almighty grace. It’s grace alone by one’s faith that we are to get to heaven.

One fundamental question remains with me.

Why twist a religious belief to fit one’s own agenda?

Do they not know that they will be banished to hell for eternity for their selfish needs? It is a false righteousness that leads them down the path of hell.

This is a philosophical question that will never satiate the need for answers.

About Me

I am putting myself out into the world. I know there will be some crazies out there, but it is ok.  Here are some things about me that people would find interesting.

Most valuable characteristics I have are loyalty, caring nature, raw, passionate, intelligence, emotional, and common sense. Most annoying or weakest characteristics I have are being too emotional, my colorful language, and being a smartass.

My hobbies include a wide range of things and activities. I collect stickers and books from my favorite authors. I collect small legos. I journal, do crafts, write poetry, collect and watch DVDs, and enjoy music.  I enjoy many things, but these are the main hobbies I have.

My musical taste varies a lot. I enjoy classic rock such as Marshall Tucker Band and Allman Bros. Contemporary music consists of Sarah Mclaughlin, Maroon 5, Madonna, and Adele. When I get into a philosophical or a contemplative mood, I like to listen to Van Morrison, Al Stewart, and Jackson Browne. I do enjoy heavy metal. I was, am, and always will be a metal head. Some of my favorites include Ozzy and Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Cradle of Filth, and Judas Priest. My music palate is big  as I do listen a lot based on moods.

Television is very limited to me with no cable or satellite. I refuse to pay the high prices for low quality shit people call shows nowadays. Sons of anarchy is by far the most unique and retrospective show I have watched. I am a fan of Ron Perlman (SOA character Clay Morrow) so I had to pick up the seasons on DVD. Any shows or movies based on Stephen King novels such as Haven and Under the Dome are great. I don’t watch too many animated shows; however, I do enjoy South Park and Family Guy.  Other shows I watch include Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, Person of Interest, and American Horror Story. Shows like Criminal Minds, CSI, and Hannibal are great because of the psychological and legal aspects of crimes.  I will always be an X-Files and Charmed fan. I love supernatural oddities and magic. I love collecting movies and shows on DVD.

There are subject areas that interest me in many ways. Some of the main subjects I enjoy reading about include mythology, religion, magic (Wicca), supernatural, criminalistics, psychology, tattoos, and religion. Haunted houses are very interesting to investigate.

I consider myself a BBW which means big beautiful woman. I’m changing my habits to lose some weight. That will change in the near future. I have pierced ears and tattoos. Let’s talk about tattoos and piercings for a moment. I have my own limitations and have limits on other people. I will not be intimate with a man who has his pecker pierced. Just won’t happen at all! I will not pierce anything other than my ears. I will not risk losing any sensation or be scratched in my woman area. As far as tattoos, no part of my woman parts will be inked.

Religion is a very hot topic. I am a Christian; however, I do consider myself spiritually philosophical as well. I have never been a devout Christian because people twist religion to fit their needs, not by God’s way. I do attend church on Sunday.

Basic favorites: tea, Mexican food, fall, October, Halloween, horror/sci-fi/action movies, Sly Stallone, Stephen King, purple, sterling silver jewelry, and Aerosmith.

Passing Through

I’ve been having a hard time with my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him.  I feel screwed all the way around on romance at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.

I dropped off my readmission application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off request. At least I got that much.

Thursday night I had a severe emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.

Mom and I went to several Goodwill stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart.  It had been raining on and off all weekend.

I feel as though I am only passing through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp.  I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much.  I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin. Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen now does it?  It seems that I am eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.

Living by my heart, soul

Last night at work I wanted to cry. It is as I figured and proposed. Heartbreak.

My life now is being ruled by my heart. My heart is of love, passion, emotion, soul, care, and goodness. My head is full of logic, anger, contemplation, and indifference. Both seem to find parallel paths in this world and in my life.

 

I found out that Thomas has a 27 year old son and a grand baby. It’s wonderful!!!!!!   J

I told a co-worker that hangs out with him my age. She is his buddy which is cool. He made a comment to the effect that time was running out. Shit! I wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to tell him that I know that already.

My heart tells me that often. I know my fertile years are dwindling down to zero. The sand in the hour glass is unbearable. I don’t want to be intimate with just anyone and end up pregnant. That is not how I want my life to be. I have more integrity now than I did when I was young.

My zone manager wanted me to zone our other department. It is a place of quiet contemplation for me. A co-worker wanted to go with me. I almost told her that I’d like to be by myself. Oh well. I do enjoy teamwork, sometimes I like the quiet contemplation that comes with the other department.

I wonder how I will be able to handle this heartbreak while at work. I’m not going to just quit. I need the job. I have three more months until I can transfer. Logic escapes me as to why I fell so hard for Thomas? I never fell for anyone else like this. I’ve had crushes, this is beyond my scope of logic. I’ve had panic attacks based on this crush or “falling in love” or whatever it is.

All I want to do is erase these last three months. Start over from scratch. I want to cry and scream and be mean. I can’t be a mean bitch like I want to be right now. I want to cover up everything. I want to scream and hit something, tear things up.

I am not sure what will happen at work today. I guess I need to bear the heartache. Hopefully I  can avoid him and my tears.

Positive Things

I worked Wednesday from 7 to 4. I was sent to another department for the day. My department manager and zone manager were talking about me staying in one department for 20 hours and the other department for 20 hours a week. It should give me about 40 hours a week. I was hired for one main department. Even though there is an additional department that is part of my area. It is fine for me to balance between the two departments. I would love to have more hours every week. Although a pay raise would be nice.

It would seem  that my zone manager is prepping me to manage myself in the other department. It is cool with me. I enjoy being a part of a team. There are times when I want to be independent and work by myself. I feel that I can get a lot of tasks done when I am independent. I like to balance it out.

I do see issues ahead.

First, I want to go back to USC-Lancaster to begin courses to finish my bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. I would like to add Psychology as well. Working full time may pose a time management issue with classes. I might have to work on Sunday afternoons. I feel that I can do it as long as USC and y employer can work with me.

Second, I worry about sales in my main department. A few people slack off a lot. Customers are our main priority. If we can't provide excellent customer service, sales will plummet. Our satisfaction rating will fall as well.  There are two associates that seem to be all-time slackers. One has an attitude problem. There other, well, he seems to forget he has to work, not run his mouth and float around.

Third, it's my crush on Thomas. It's not a issue to me. It might pose one to others if it got out bad. I talked to Thomas briefly Tuesday night. I was in the office with Latoya, Quisha, and Jarman. Thomas came in. I told him we were having a pow-wow. He said something and I said that they should listen to him. Thomas said to take care of me and that I was a trip. Damn straight. He's my sweetheart! All hands off my buddy!

Lastly, one minor issue at best. I hate mornings! I'm a late night owl! Owls are a majestic bird! Beautiful!

Quote

HEARTBREAK, OTHER ITEMS

I can see that I may have set myself up for a heart break. Thomas was working Sunday. I am off Sundays.  I stopped by to see my department manager about adding a job code so I can get more hours. He recommended I talk to the managers who oversee the front end. I think Thomas was in a bad mood. I swear he had a small goatee under his lip. I spoke to Miss Barbara yesterday and she said it wasn’t his twin because his twin does not do that kind of work. I don’t know. It all threw me off a bit.

Sometimes when he is in a bad mood, it hurts my heart. I feel him emotionally. I feel that I may have set myself up to break my own heart. I allowed myself to become emotional over Thomas. I have a hard time handling these new emotional changes. I don’t understand them yet. Maybe I never will. I don’t like being on an emotional roller coaster at all. I’ve never felt so overthrown by emotion over a guy before. It is scary and unknown. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable; I want to get to know him and find out if we can work. I will do what it takes even if I have to find another job.

Mom had a rough weekend. She had three days off that were wrecked by a severe toothache. She went to the dentist yesterday to have it extracted. I left my keys in her car on Sunday. I was looking for a shirt she thought was in the car. Of course I did not realize I didn’t have keys until 30 minutes before I was scheduled to go to work. Mom had to turn around from work to give me keys. I was over an hour late for work. Shitty Monday.

I was in another department all day. I go back to my department and find 2 buggies of stuff that wasn’t worked. I get frustrated because there was an item that needed to be locked up that was sitting out for someone to steal. Luckily one of the third shift personnel offered to put up the items in my department. The buggy I had full of stuff I could not finish because my shift was up. I wonder what will happen today because I wasn’t able to do everything I needed to do. Oh, I will be speaking my mind about the buggies full of items that were supposed to be worked and weren’t!

Set fire to the rain (ADELE)

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing gets better

Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
As if that heart you caught is still waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from looking for you

I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh
Oh, oh

Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

Read more: Adele - Set Fire To The Rain Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Live by the heart, not the head

I am still crushing on Thomas. I know, I know. It gets old.

I have heart palpitations, I can’t seem to talk to him. I don’t understand these feelings I am having. It is very scary for me. I’ve had crushes before, none like this. I just want to cry. How can I be myself when I can barely speak normally and not feel so out of touch?

All I want to do at work when Thomas is there is hang out with him. I want to stare at him, ask questions about him, and talk about stuff.

Of course I feel like blabbing everything about me to him. Except my dark, gothic side. I’m not into any wild, dark kinky weird shit. I love metal and metal heads. Tattoos of course. I would get his name tattooed on me somewhere of his choosing.

I have plans today. Make a car payment, pay my phone bill, and join a gym. I need to lose 70 pounds. I am starting at 70 to get me started on losing weight and getting some muscle. I do not want to look bulky or anything similar. I just want to lose weight so maybe I can have a better chance with Thomas.

Maybe one day he can read my blogs about him. Yesterday he talked to me. My heart fluttered. I was in such a good mood. I hate being so shy! I just can’t seem to tell him. I get choked up, I want to cry, my anxiety is through the roof, and I say all the wrong things around him. Yeah, that is the scope of it right now.

I need to quit before I get all antsy and pass out!

Thoughts on Anxiety and opening up to people

I have been opening up to a few people at work. I had an online order to fill yesterday. It was a huge pool. I asked Mark (co-worker who works in the garden center) to help me. He said to get another person to help. He asked me if I was the Holly that had a quote on her locker. I said yes. He asked what it meant. I explained that I have major panic disorder and anxiety attacks. I have borderline OCD as well. Not bad enough for an official diagnosis, bad enough to disrupt my days. Mark has anxiety, too! I felt a bit of relief that another person knows how I feel.  

I talked to Frank and Jarman yesterday. They both are assistant managers. Jarman is taking Frank’s place. He is leaving to go to a Charlotte area Wal-mart. I tried to hold back the tears from anxiety. I explained about Dee and her shitty attitude. I also told them about the time she approached me about a palm pilot gone missing and how it was an automatic dismissal. I also spoke about needing more hours and transferring out of the electronics department. Dee was as nice as she could be after that. What a rouse! I feel that she will be back being the nasty woman she usually is.

Ron’s back was hurting him last night. I offered to give him a back rub. I wanted to ask him if he could give me some creative input about my poetry book and online blog book. Things got a little hectic and I did not get a chance to ask him.

I am really starting to trust Ron a lot more. I feel the anxiety of opening up to people. I don’t like being vulnerable. I feel the fear of getting hurt, betrayed. I want so badly to trust Ron more. I want him to feel like he can trust me as well. I have been thinking about letting him read some of my poetry and journal entries.

I don’t like feeling fear and anxiety. It scares me when it happens. I want to cry because I’m not in control.  I don’t have the confidence and the friendships to lean on to help me through it. There is no “safe” place to be to cry, let it all out.

I am passionate, raw, and emotional. I am fiercely independent. I have a hard time asking people to help me. I just want to do it on my own because of the lack of trust and fear of betrayal. I value friendships and loyalty over being a social butterfly. It is all about the trust and love.

Do I value these things too much? Are my fears over taking my life? There are so many philosophical questions with no one to guide me straight. There is no one around to answer them or offer up some sense. I try to make sense out things that happen.

I want to have children. I want to settle down, have some fun every now and again, and be who I am only better. Is this so hard to ask? Apparently it is hard. I seek clarity and sense. Philosophically speaking, I am a sage, a troubadour.  

I still have a badass streak inside of me that is that smartass rocker chick. After almost thirty years of being who I am, how can people expect me to change? Really.

REJECTION, MAYBE

I had the courage to ask Thomas a hypothetical question. Which basically went “would you feel uncomfortable if you knew someone had a crush on you”. He said that he couldn’t talk to associates like that. Or some version thereof. He asked if that answered my question. I said it wasn’t what I wanted to hear and walked off.

I still have a crush on him. I don’t care who knows now. I asked Ms. Barbara about Thomas. She said I needed to talk to the other Barbara. The other Barbara went to school with him. I asked her if he had a twin. She said that Thomas told her not identical because he is a little bit shorter than he is. That really doesn’t matter. It’s all about genetics. They still can be identical twins if one fertilized egg split into two.

She kinda figured I had a crush on him, she asked me if I did. I said I do. She said to tell him. I said that I try, but I just can’t quite muster up the courage to tell him.

I am still so damn shy. My heart flutters, my cheeks are red, I just want to cry, I get anxious, and sometimes giddy. I have never felt like this towards a guy before.

EVER!  

Car Trouble

My mom and I have had car trouble.

My car got stuck in reverse in a business parking lot. Cost us $300 with towing, parts, and labor. The gear cable came loose when I put the car in reverse. I was so scared it was the transmission. Luckily it wasn't. I had to buy brake pads which was part of the bill.

Mom's car tried to crank, but would not. We had to have it towed to the local Chevrolet dealership to get it fixed. Luckily it was the ignition switch (or whatever) that quit. That was $300. We let the lender know we had car trouble and would be making the payment next paycheck.

Seriously. Always something. I have no air conditioner in my car. I have a fan that plugs into the cigarette lighter which circulates the hot air. I still sweat going to work. I smell by the time I get to work which makes me anxious.

Dreams and Crushes

I had a weird dream this morning as I was napping with my cats. I laid back down in bed after mom had left for work. Buster was sleeping beside me.

 

I dreamed that I had sold a Chevrolet Tahoe champagne color to a couple. I sold it for about $3000. I can only estimate how much. They gave me part cash. For some reason I gave them two checks. One was for $1000 and the other was for $500 (as best as I can remember). I realized what I had done after speaking to my mom about the sale. The mood was indifference, no positive or negative feelings in the dream. I was in papa’s house, but it wasn’t quite the same house. It was dusk. It felt very gothic, darkness. I felt comfortable, but a bit vulnerable and stupid.

 

My dreams have become seemingly normal nowadays. They used to be so dark and negative. I feel that I am evolving into a better, more relaxed person. I still enjoy the gothic and erotic dreams. It keeps things real and true.  I used to keep a dream journal. I need to make sure I write my dreams down. I may just post them on my blog.

I do tend to daydream. Ok. I know I need to think about other stuff. But, Damn! I don’t even know their last name!

At a crossroad

I still have a crush on Thomas.  My anxiety has calmed downed, the tidal waves have ebbed. I try to make myself talk to him to feel a bit more comfortable around him. Saturday I went to him to see if he could unlock the family bathroom in the back of the store. He did, it was a request from a customer. The door was sticking and hard to open.

I want so much to have a friendship with him, at least, if nothing else. He is so damn fine! He seems like a down-to-earth traditional kind of guy. I am so ready to settle down, no wild shit for me anymore. I still have a badass streak that is too much a part of me to let go. It is only a small part of me; it will never affect me to go off the deep end.

I’m such a tender-hearted, raw, passionate, emotional, extremely shy, and intelligent person. I’ve never felt like this toward a guy. I need feedback as to what is going on.

 I’m so self-conscious about my weight. I have made strides in changing my eating habits and have lost a few pounds. I need to join a gym. Looking forward to it when I get paid. Hopefully I can lose70 pounds by September. I don’t want to be too skinny. Definitely want to keep some meat on my bones.

A new project is coming to fruition. My poetry will be typed up on a flash drive for safe keeping. I hope to have it published, book bound by the end of the year.  I have been way past slacking on writing poetry. I just have not been in the mood to do it. I barely write in my journal anymore. No title just yet.

Friday

I was off today. I switched with a co-worker. I will have a bit of overtime which is great.

Saw my eye candy yesterday! Still looking handsome. Hopefully I will see him again today.

My anxiety has lifted quite a bit. I know a bit why it had been so abrupt and hard. Partly due to my crush on Thomas. Partly due to period. Ugh! I want my eye candy!

Tragic Anxiety, A moment of happiness

Today has been rough for me. Too much anxiety and wanting to cry most of the day.  My eye candy, Thomas, apparently was having a tough day as well.
 

 The new guy, Mike, needed a Playstation 4 for a customer. I told him this would be a teachable moment. I asked Thomas if he had the key to the locked area of our stock room. He opened it up. I was explaining to  Mike that we bin and pick to maintain our inventory control. Thomas told me good job as he added what I had missed. Damn, so yummy! Still crushing over him, he made it even better today! Thank you! 

Anyway, Dee had me work on adding DVDs to the new fixture. I was fine until I finished it. I was lost without too much to do. Dee just rubs me the wrong way. I am at wits end. The whole department is being remodeled and re adjusted. This means that I am at a loss as to where everything is at. My OCD is in overdrive because everything has been uprooted. My routine and consistency has to be changed.

I told Angela I had OCD, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I felt better after I spilled it out to someone. I am beginning to get claustrophobia. Maybe it’s everyone who is working at the same time that is making my agoraphobia worse. I have been set in my own way working in the department. Everything has turned my insides outward!

I want so bad to tell my managers that I have issues. I am so scared that I will be rejected, look down on, and be too pitiful for work. I am screwed! At least I can hang on to what little things that have made me happy.