Passing Through

I’ve been having a hard time with my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him.  I feel screwed all the way around on romance at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.

I dropped off my readmission application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off request. At least I got that much.

Thursday night I had a severe emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.

Mom and I went to several Goodwill stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart.  It had been raining on and off all weekend.

I feel as though I am only passing through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp.  I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much.  I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin. Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen now does it?  It seems that I am eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.