Thoughts on Anxiety and opening up to people

I have been opening up to a few people at work. I had an online order to fill yesterday. It was a huge pool. I asked Mark (co-worker who works in the garden center) to help me. He said to get another person to help. He asked me if I was the Holly that had a quote on her locker. I said yes. He asked what it meant. I explained that I have major panic disorder and anxiety attacks. I have borderline OCD as well. Not bad enough for an official diagnosis, bad enough to disrupt my days. Mark has anxiety, too! I felt a bit of relief that another person knows how I feel.  

I talked to Frank and Jarman yesterday. They both are assistant managers. Jarman is taking Frank’s place. He is leaving to go to a Charlotte area Wal-mart. I tried to hold back the tears from anxiety. I explained about Dee and her shitty attitude. I also told them about the time she approached me about a palm pilot gone missing and how it was an automatic dismissal. I also spoke about needing more hours and transferring out of the electronics department. Dee was as nice as she could be after that. What a rouse! I feel that she will be back being the nasty woman she usually is.

Ron’s back was hurting him last night. I offered to give him a back rub. I wanted to ask him if he could give me some creative input about my poetry book and online blog book. Things got a little hectic and I did not get a chance to ask him.

I am really starting to trust Ron a lot more. I feel the anxiety of opening up to people. I don’t like being vulnerable. I feel the fear of getting hurt, betrayed. I want so badly to trust Ron more. I want him to feel like he can trust me as well. I have been thinking about letting him read some of my poetry and journal entries.

I don’t like feeling fear and anxiety. It scares me when it happens. I want to cry because I’m not in control.  I don’t have the confidence and the friendships to lean on to help me through it. There is no “safe” place to be to cry, let it all out.

I am passionate, raw, and emotional. I am fiercely independent. I have a hard time asking people to help me. I just want to do it on my own because of the lack of trust and fear of betrayal. I value friendships and loyalty over being a social butterfly. It is all about the trust and love.

Do I value these things too much? Are my fears over taking my life? There are so many philosophical questions with no one to guide me straight. There is no one around to answer them or offer up some sense. I try to make sense out things that happen.

I want to have children. I want to settle down, have some fun every now and again, and be who I am only better. Is this so hard to ask? Apparently it is hard. I seek clarity and sense. Philosophically speaking, I am a sage, a troubadour.  

I still have a badass streak inside of me that is that smartass rocker chick. After almost thirty years of being who I am, how can people expect me to change? Really.