January UPdate

The job I had in December did not pan out. I am back in the education/Child Care field once again. This time it is at one of the local Head Start centers in South Carolina.

I have been at this job a week. I am nervous and out of touch with teaching. Students have had several teachers since August 2015. Ms Moore seems to be a great teacher. We have a good ways to go to mesh our teaching styles.

I hope I will have this job for a while. I am a substitute right now. I have to get my CDL for buses. It seems that the assistant teachers are either monitors or bus drivers. It's something new. If this job does not work out, I can still get my CDL and drive for the school system or some other child care center.

19 children. The maximum is 20. Ages are from 3 to 5 years old. All preschool age. This is a program that helps children be ready for Kindergarten and public school.

I am going to be different. I have tattoos. I can wear comfortable clothes. My hair is red.  Well, at least the longer part of my hair. It has grown out some.

New Ally

Last week I realize that I have a new ally in the fight with depression and anxiety. It is an unexpected friend that I thought would never understand my plight. Out of respect for this person, I will not reveal who they are.  I will say welcome and thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me.

I will never gossip about anything. The only thing I will do is get you or someone help if they need it. Only if you are homicidal or suicidal or even have intent.

There is a stigma that will always follow us no matter what we do or where we go. We just don’t tell parts of ourselves. It is something we carry around privately from fear. It is the darkness in light.

 It is in fear of what people may think. People may think we are violent. Not true for the majority of us. There is only a small handful of people that are violent who have mental illness. People often do not know what to say. We are discriminated against. The media has polluted people’s thoughts about mental illness. That is the source of the violence, not the mentally ill.

Know this: we are not below any normally healthy person. We are not violent. We eat, breathe, and bleed like everyone else.

If we can’t put down our fears and lose the misperceptions of mental illness, we will never be able to overcome it. Never. It is in the same pot as racism and prejudice.

We can’t “get over it” nor should we hear it. Try telling a cancer patient or other physically ill to “get over it” and see what happens! You get over your misconceptions about mental illness.

That is all.

Giving up

So many dark clouds hang over me right now. I have become unmanageable.

I reach out and no one understands. My thought processes go unnoticed. I write in literary terms, not too make everything too damn clear. Maybe I speak to the wrong people. People are too comfortable in believing I will always be okay.

Here is the thought for the day: I am NOT okay. Miserable. Anxious. Edgy.

I had a speech to give in my speech class. I was fine and okay until the moment I got up to talk. I lost it. I did not speak clearly. I fumbled on my power point presentation. I knew the material inside and out. I cannot speak in public. I was the last one to go. I had a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. I did everything I could not to lose what control I had left. I do not do well in public. I am a “behind-the-scenes” person.   

I have been able to manage my depression, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. It is boiling over now. I generally know when my periods are close because I feel the PMS cramps a week before. It is only relevant to my misery. All of it is worse the week before and the week of my period. I believe it is PMDD. I step beyond just having PMS like normal women.

I have been crying so much. On the other hand, I feel that I just don’t fucking care. I say the F-word a lot. I say ‘whatever’ a lot. I have anxious feelings where ever I go. I do not want to go anywhere. I sleep too much. I crave ice cream and coffee. I really do not care if we sell the house. I do not care if the house gets cleaned.

I feel that I have scared some people off. Thomas doesn’t talk to me anymore. All I want is a friend who checks in every now and again. I miss Ms. Barbara. She knows how I feel. I took a chance when I was offered opportunities. Everything is so different now. I want it back. I want my friends back! I think Thomas knows I’m broken. I feel like I’m the person on the other side of the tracks that no one wants to talk to.

People tend to be afraid of people like me. I am not violent. I know I’m a good person. People are homeless. Children are homeless. Animals roam the streets. Children, animals, and people are being abused every day. It breaks my heart.

All through time with my demons in tow, I still have managed to be kind hearted, reaching out to people, and trying to make sure that I stay in touch with people that I care about. Some of it seems to go unnoticed. Oh well. I need to be more of a selfish bitch.

I have to do something to get better. I have a few options to get there. I have to be strong enough to get through these dark clouds.

Childless mother

According to Google . . . . . .

Fate is the development of events beyond a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power. Destiny is the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future. So, it seems fate has more control than destiny.

 

I am almost 40 years old. I’ve been an introvert most of my life. I’ve never been on a formal date with a guy. I am single with no children. My maternal need for children is strong. I have realized that certain things will not happen to me. Things such as marriage and children. My heart hurts and breaks at this. I have been trying to find some resolve to this fact. It is not working. I’ve been looking at men in a different perspective lately. This drive is very saddening for me. It scares me so much that I will lose the opportunity.

 

My life has had so many detours. Some have been my own doing. Others have not been. I’ve come a long way since I was a teenager.

 

I am not a whore nor am I promiscuous in any way. I don’t believe in having sex with a stranger just to create a child. I am a bit more old-fashioned than I ever imagined myself to be. I want to be in love with a guy and have a family. It is a hard task that will never leave my bucket list.

 

The sorrow is very overwhelming. The drive is just as overwhelming.

 

I want to feel what it is like to be pregnant. To hold my child after birth knowing I have such a precious gift. My heart says that I will be a great mother.

 

I am not sure if I want to work in the education field because of this strong desire. I will never take a child away from his mother unless the child is in immediate danger.

 

It just hurts.

Profound moment

I had a profound moment this past weekend. I truly understood what it means to struggle alone. It was a deeply emotional moment.

My mom and I dug a hole in our yard to find a busted pipe. Our water was off 4 days. We dug 4 days. The pipe was eventually found and repaired with a fiberglass tape. We called a few people to help and offered to pay them a little bit for their time. No shows and no calls. No one bothered.

My mom and I have been struggling with home repairs and finances for several years. House is falling apart faster than we can fix it. We are in more debt than we were before the economy soured.

We don’t get out much. Mom and I watch TV at home. Sometimes we go to the movies or to the bookstore. Maybe to Goodwill to donate some of our clutter. I may find a book or a movie to watch.

I have long quit asking for help. People won’t help at all. People that know me should know that I am not a taker and not give back. I am too much of a caring person. I care too much with no one to give me that care back. I believe it is part of the empathic soul I have.

Here is the profound moment.

It takes more courage to live, rather than to die. Dying is the easy part. How much courage it takes to live is the truth of one’s soul. The trials and tribulations of one’s life and the ability to be on the other side of it is courageous enough. But, to do it alone, that can be more than a person may be able to handle. If one can handle that, along with the struggles of life, it shows the person’s character. Character of a person is as meaningful as their soul. Even if a person walks alone in this life, courage will keep them moving.  

Courage comes from faith. Not everything is black and white (one way or the other). There much more grey shading than ever before. Faith gives us courage to walk forward. God, Jesus, Christ, Savior . . . gives us that courage because we have faith that allows us to move forward.

I see so much beauty in the reality of so much evil. This evil makes us anxious and fearful. I watch the deer in the yard grazing on grass. Rabbits hop across the yard. Birds sing. Squirrels scrounge for food.

I am a better person than I was. I am aware of how much I have overcome. I am still a work in progress. I have a heart for helping people. I am a puzzle piece that does not fit anywhere.

Unemployment 2015

Since my termination from Wally World, things have gotten all crazy funk lately.






I appealed my unemployment termination filing. I initially was denied 16 weeks. After I had a conference call with the unemployment office and my previous employer, 4 more weeks were added. It's 20 weeks now. I sent documents to the unemployment office which they never received supposedly. They did get it, just did not get it to the right person.






Now, I appealed the appeal. If that makes any sense. I haven't heard anything back.  I sent my documents to the EEOC. We will see what happens now.






I'm so tired of getting kicked in the butt. I want a job that I can earn an honest wage to be able to support myself. Apparently, people don't want me to succeed. Well. Screw you to all the nay sayers. I am gonna succeed and kick your butt to the curb!

Symbolism in America

It saddens me that a racist pig went into a church to kill innocent people. A church in Charleston, SC was massacred by a stupid racist.






Stupidity is the lack of common sense and intelligence to do the right the thing according to the fallible laws of man and the law of GOD.






Now that the massacre is widespread, stupidity is amassing. The confederate flag has been deemed "racist". Our South Carolina governor, Nikki Haley, is feeling the heat from the stupid-cratic party to take down the flag.






The flag is a part of American history. Why must people hang on the past of slavery and racism? We should learn from our darkened history to move forward. Progress is retarded based on the few people who refuse to move forward and embrace equality.






Racism and prejudice will always be among us. The KKK is a prime example of a Neanderthal belief system. Hitler may have reigned, he was short lived by those who refuse to give up. Hitler crashed and burned by his own single minded hatred.






Politics are high school cliques.






Please stop putting so much into a symbol. Words mean more than anything. It is time to heal. People should embrace those that need a hand to hold on to and a shoulder to cry on.






Sometimes, I wonder where this country is headed!