Daydreams.Reality.Moods

I have always loved to daydream. It has kept me sane during half of my childhood when things were really brutal and hopeless.

I still daydream.

Sometimes daydreaming does put me in a bad mood. Reality checks in and I become saddened that my daydreams are not being fulfilled.

How can my daydreams do this to my emotions? Why do I even bother to daydream when it just depresses the hell out of me?!?!?!?!

I want to fulfill my dreams and I just can't walk the walk. I am constrained and unmotivated. My emotions are the Pandora's Box of my life.

Sometimes I have to ask WTF is wrong with this picture? I just want to scream and pitch a damn tantrum to get it all out in the open. I want it all to hang out and leave. Don't care where it goes! My negative emotions, the sadness, the depression, and the anxiety need to hitch a ride into hell.

I need help to get motivated and charge my batteries. I still want to daydream and be merry. I just need to vent and find my true happy place, where ever that may be.

American Struggle

It has been a very tough year, folks.

Financial woes, depression, and hopelessness plague many of us. I feel it has hit my personal life way too hard. So many spiritual and economic questions loom without answers.

My heart goes out to many of my fellow Americans who are struggling hard finding themselves nowhere.

I have a wish and a prayer that many of us can find that path that leads us to a better place. I really need it.

Chaos

Chaos brews around me without asking. I tire easily of the fight to survive. It is easier to give up rather than fight. So many questions, so little answered prayers. I fathom those who have jobs, able to live without fear or worry.

Why is it so hard? I turn towards the chaos and cannot breathe. Fear comes over me, withers me as a dried flower. The loneliness ensues and devours. Looking out onto the infinite ocean. Nothing to see but waves, only to hear the beauty of freedom and serenity I long for.

I daydream only to crash back into reality at any moment. Biological clock ticking. Age is settling in. No one to comfort me as my needs go untouched, withering away in the wind.

Is this what will become of me? Only to live as a droid, soulless and alone. Pitch black waters swaddle me to sleep. I succumb to the ocean only to find myself swaddled. False hope.

This is me. I feel what I feel, and others as well. I take on more than I allow, more than my shoulders could bear.

Far Away. . .and yet so close!

Been gone too long, sinking in my own ocean.

Too much on my mind to be philosophical.

Once the storm has passed -

All will be well, I will write to please only myself.

I am still near,

Feeling to cold breath of life that has befallen us.

New Year 2011

Well, I have to say I have come through another tough year. It has been a real shit storm. I am blessed to have many things in life, especially the basics (house, family, car, food, etc). there is still snow on the ground from Sunday's winter storm. There is an old tale of snow that is still on the ground after three days, it is waiting for more of it!

Spring semester at USC-Lancaster started this week. Due to the snow, I missed all of my classes. I have logged on the the college website for students' classes and found an assignment waiting for me. aaarrrggghhhh! It is fine. It gives me something to read before getting to bed.

I have a few resolutions. First, get a job. Second, get healthy. Third, clean the house - get rid of junk. Finally, sell the house. My mother and I have promised each other that we will get a small dog after the both ofus get jobs. It has been so brutal with the job hunt!

Well, the new year will bring a new me. I just need to color my hair and pierce my ears! :)

Holiday madness!

The holidays have gotten quite bizarre over the last few decades. I'd say the last twenty years at least! One radio station is playing Christmas music already! Thanksgiving is not quite here even! Wow! I see Christmas decorations out, music playing, and the looney tunes have come out. Any other time of year, it is a safe place to live. As the holidays approach, people seem to go off their crazy pills and go completely bizarre! It is a constant fight to get anywhere!

I do not shop for anyone anymore. I send my holiday cards out and my merry wishes for a great new year! There are no children in the house to shop for. All I want to do is get my necessary shopping done. I do not want any extras, no fights, and definitely not a night in jail because a looney tune decided to get hostile! This is what the holidays have come to: COMMERCIALISM! It is all about the buying, not the pure joy of the season.

I am old enough to remember the days when stores weren't open on Sundays. We ate at home most of the time. There may have been a few home town restaraunts open to get a low-cost Sunday dinner. We went to church on Sundays. You can shop at Wal-Mart 24 hours a day any day of the week. There are extended hours everywhere, black fridays after Thanksgiving, and high gas prices which are ridiculous!

I am so tired of dealing with all the bizarre craziness of the holiday season! I have wondered if there is a place that this madness did not exist. If there is, please let me know. I'd love to spend my holidays there instead of this bizarre world that is called "the holidays" - is it just me?

I am truly wishing upon a star that I can survive the madness.

Down in a Funk (FEAR)

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I am close to starting a new semester at a new four-year university. Yet, I am saddened. It seemed to have hit me over the last couple of days which it typical for me sometimes.
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My mother just started a new job. She has arthritis in her left leg. She needs surgery for a torn meniscus which is not going to happen due to limited financial means. She is able to work even with a limited use of her knee.
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I have had a lot of anxiety over my oldest cat. It came out of the blue. He started meowing when we got home yesterday evening. There was a stray cat outside which I think our cat knew of! Cats can sense and smell other cats around.
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I am overwhelmed with a sudden sadness that may stem from my ongoing depression. Life is too damn hard sometimes. I just want to crawl into bed and wait till life gets better. I know it is unreasonable to think like that. I feel like crying, everything points to being in a depressed mood.
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I am not talking about some fly-by-night blues that is common among happy people. I never used to like bubbly people - those who are always joyful and have some kinda drug-high that makes you want to vomit.
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I have always been the one who walked alone, never really social. I was the one who was on the edge between happiness and sadness. High School was more of a mundane experience, I am smart, I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. I used to have it, now it has flown away! I am in a total creative block from my former self.
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I fear the risk of loving another because I do not want them to go away. My anxiety is a real concern in this area because I want to have friends and find true happiness. I fear losing my unique style and creative personality. As I get older, I get more anxious! I do not want to be alone and unhappy. I want to travel, and do a lot of things.
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Right now, I am in a funk. I feel a bit of claustrophobia because I can't seem to get my life back on track. Oh well, I just have to let this ride out and go with the flow.