Lif ain't always beautiful (Gary Allan)

 

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Emotions Depression

I have a lot of things happen to me over the course of several weeks.

First, my car broke down. It is the water pump. The cheapest quote I got was $600 parts and labor. Mom just could not justify fixing it up again. It has an oil leak. I wanted to get it fixed so bad. Just one more time. Just once more! No. Mom and I did not have the money to fix it.

Well, the new job requires me to be at work at 5 AM. Mom and I had to get up around 3:30 AM so she could drop me off. She would drive up to Charlotte so she could be at work at 7 AM. She would get off around 5 PM and pick me up. Charlotte traffic is hell. It would be as late as 6 or 7, sometimes 8 or 9 by the time she picked me up. Go home and straight to bed. Get up and do the same thing. This lasted about 2 weeks or so.

We shopped around for cars. Cheap cars that would fit into a very limited budget. We are stretched very thin as it is. We found a car, finally. It might possibly have transmission problems. Shit. I am driving it right now until whatever happens. We fix it or it falls apart. I went by the insurance place to switch the insurance over to the new car. About $10 more a month. Not too bad. I have not registered the vehicle yet. I have some time to do that. It is managing okay right now. It shifts hard when it's cold. After it warms up, it does well. I stay on edge all the damn time!

Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have hit close to rock bottom emotionally. I have a hard time talking about it. It is almost as hard writing it.  I hold back my tears as hard as I can. This heart can only hold back so much.

I'm at a point where I have overcome something only to feel the emotions that I should have allowed to flow all through the situation. I can't seem to go a day without tears. I have panic attacks around lunch time. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have a few people I trust, I can't hold back the tears to talk to them.

If I tell them, what will they think of me? Weak? I have the fear that the worst will happen. They will feel uncomfortable around me because they won't know what to do or say. They may avoid me all together. I try to tell myself they won't have to worry because my training is almost over. I or they won't have to worry about it.

I am losing my anchor. I can handle change. What outsiders don't understand is that there is more to the situation that I am keeping hid. I don't want to force my hand to tell my dark secrets.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn't be normal. I've had several attacks over the last several months, the waves have been manageable. I am lucky that I have not needed medication to control them. Now, they are back. The irrational fears that come with attacks are back. It's more me crying than almost passing out like I used to. I do not miss those days at all!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is not "official" because it shows up mostly with my panic attacks. Many of the "symptoms" associated with OCD have become personality quirks that are manageable. Although it does flare up from time to time.  It is not about hand washing which is a common thought when it comes to OCD.

One of the main things that is a part of my OCD is counting and organizing. If I count anything, it is in threes. I organize things in order. If it is chaos to you, I know were everything is at.

I've been suffering from depression a long time. It is mostly situational and is very manageable. It can be serious sometimes. I am blessed that I have never been to a point of suicide. I thank God for that.

I do not have many friends. I have casual friends and acquaintances that I do not trust with my heart. All my family is scattered in Georgia and Alabama. The close friends I have are scattered.

I think Thomas feels sorry for me for not having friends. I have tried to talk to him at work a few times. I don't understand him. He is hot and cold. I can't handle that roller coaster. I know Mrs Barbara will listen to me and let me vent. I can understand to a point that Thomas is a manager and he is my boss. I don't want to get him into trouble for anything that looks like we are "too close" at work. I thought he would at least listen to me vent. I just want to talk. He knows I have a crush on him. I don't want romance or anything like that. I just want a friend. Am I asking too much even as a friend? Probably yes in his eyes. Compassion would be nice.

I just don't know right now. It's been a rough start to the year. I just want to say screw you and stay in bed. I have thought that I never wished I woke up. I know that sounds bad. It is what it is. Just tough. Sometimes you're alone no matter what happens. No matter if you reach out or stay in. It's all the same.

New Job

It has been a good while since I've posted. . Quite a few things have gone on since I posted last.

I work for Wal-Mart. I did two phone interviews for the new Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market that is opening up close to the one I work at. I jumped into a position that I did not ask questions about.

I was offered a position in the accounting office. I did not ask questions. It's a "shoot first and ask questions later" scenerio. Come to find out, there are a few  things that I don't like. The hours are from 5:00 AM to 2:00 PM. The supposed pay raise is only a nickel. A nickel, really!?!?!

I mean, everything has been so disorganized from the get-go. I have no schedule. I mean, I show up when the f*ck I feel up to it. Not! I just hate not clocking in and not having a schedule! What if something happens? Yeah, Wal-Mart will be saying "f**k you" if something happened.

Anyway, I have been training at my store for a month now. My store was closed Christmas! 364 days a year folks. Yep. That's the new era of stores. The new store is supposed to be 24 hours. Woo!

Anyway, I will be going to the new store in a week or two. All this has lead to a lot of personal issues. More on that in a different post.

Rainy Day Weight Loss Vent

It has been rainy all day today. I will have a hard time this winter as I have become slightly intolerable to the cold.

I spent about 3 hours at the doctor's office this morning as a walk-in. I still have not quite got my mojo back. Just tired, weak, muscular aches/pains, and general feeling of unwell. Among other symptoms.

I have a theory. I feel it is my thyroid. All my symptoms coincide with a slow thyroid. The doctor said it could be a vitamin D deficiency. I gave some blood for a few general tests. Most of the tests will be for my thyroid, vitamin D deficiency, diabetes, and sodium/potassium ratio. There is about 7 tests in all. If they all come back negative, then the doctor will do more specialized tests.

I've spent about three months eating healthier and exercising. The scale showed a 5 pound loss. I'm like, what the hell? I've busted my ass at the gym. I've been retraining my taste buds for healthier foods. Eliminating at least 60% of the crap I put in my body. I've put healthier foods in my body. I know it takes time to completely get rid of all the bad crap that I would normally eat.

I am totally disappointed. I pigged out today. I want to scream and cry. I drink at least a  quart of water a  day. Sometimes 2 or 3 quarts of water. Shit. There is something wrong. No damn doubt. I'm serious as a damn heart attack about getting better and nothing has budged.

I've just been completely crapped out. If my thyroid test comes back normal, I will be shocked as hell!

Oh, did I mention I have tendonitis in my right elbow and wrist?!?!?! Damnit!

Career Change . . . Possibilities

At my job, we have the choice of opening our career preferences to different areas and advancements. Mine are wide open except for the vision center and pharmacy.

In the past two weeks I've done two different phone interviews for two different positions. One is part time. The other is full time.

The first phone interview I did was for Personnel Coordinator/Support Manager. When I'm not in the personnel office, I am out on the sales floor as a support manager for management and staff. This is full time.

The second phone interview was for accounting. It is part time. I believe I will be out on the floor when I am not in the accounting office.

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I feel sorrow and anxiety. I know doors have been opened for me. I am scared to walk through them. I have gotten myself into a groove at work. My OCD has allowed me to get into the  groove and some semblance of a set pace.

If I am offered either of these jobs, I will be leaving Mr. Thomas and Mrs. Barbara. My two most favorite people! It almost makes me want to cry I will miss them so much. They are the reason I go to work!  Some days are bad and they make it better.

I don't want to do myself a disservice. I have been having anxiety attacks over this whole mess. I just need to think about it and go over everything!

Feeling under the weather

It has been almost a month since I posted. A lot and a little has been happening.

I've been working 35 to 40 hours a week. I've also been going to the gym to try to lose weight. I have not been to the gym in over a week. I've lost my motivation. I'm trying to get it back.

Lately, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. A lot of muscular aches, tiredness, sleepiness (lack of sleep), fatigue, and lack of memory - brain usage. It has eased up this week a bit.

There is still a lot of drama at work. All the drama is very draining. I feel drained when I'm at work. It's tiring dealing with so much shit and no way to relieve the stress. Thomas has been stretched every which way at work, too. He and I seem to be one of the few people who actually work!

There are days when I just want to act stupid and not know how to do anything. Basically, I want to have a day where I can slack off like others do. It bothers me when I do that. That is the worst part. I added a cashier shift. For 4 hours I stood at a register and rang up customer's items. That, to me, is slacking. I am NOT saying cashiers slack off in any way. It is for me personally.  Just to have a day where there is no drama and I am not running from here to there all day long.

I'm trying to get my mojo back. I must make a doctor's appointment to see what is happening to me. Maybe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia?  Not sure. I will update as I go along.

Away and Afar

It's been a while, I know. It is never easy being an adult. Adulthood sucks.

I still have a crush on Thomas. We has become social at work. Yay! Ms Barbara and I talk a lot now. I've joined a gym. Really started working out trying to lose 70 pounds. I'd like to lose it in a hurry. I need to tan some.

There is a lot of drama at work.

Sarah has such a negative attitude lately. She takes extended lunches, leaves early, and takes more breaks than allowed. Her attitude has gone down the toilet. I told her that she will get herself fired. She told me she doesn't really give a shit. She states that she is tired of the way Wally World treats her. She left Monday after only been at work for a little over an hour. She claims she has a stomach virus. Its her stomach, it's her blood pressure, or its hives. It is some excuse to leave or not be on the sales floor. One person from the department next to mine says that he is such "a f**king b**ch" and that she "hates her guts". Another person states that she has a nasty attitude.

Then there is Quincy. He chases ass all the time. He constantly leaves the department to go talk to girls. He undermines others in the department. He leaves projects unfinished. He does not complete the normal tasks assigned at all. He has a foul mouth and talks bad about others. I talked to our store manager about an incident involving Quincy over a week ago. We worked the late shift one evening together. I was doing layaways. He was out on the sales floor helping customers and ringing up purchases. At least I hope he was. Anyway. He comes back to tell me that I have customers waiting at he register. According to one customer, he walked off  in the middle of the transaction. I apologize to the customer. I voided out the items and rescanned them to for the customer. I asked if the customer would wait and allow me to help the other customers so I can focus on activating his Family Mobile Cell service. He left. Quincy said he would label and put up my layaways. He left half my layaways out, some unlabeled.

I told the store manager about the situation and he said he would follow up. He has yet to follow up with me. Not sure if he will.  I worked with Quincy  for about two hours today. I was pulling recalls off the sales floor. Not much interaction. this is the first time in over a week that I have worked with him.

I'm just tired of the bullshit and lack of hours. I put my transfer in to three other stores. As of yet I have not heard back. Just so tired. This week I is a full forty hours. Surprise! Probably won't happen again until it gets closer to Thanksgiving. Sarah and Quincy are working tonight. I think Latoya is working in layaway. Oh boy! Qua, our department manager, made a statement to the effect of "there is no one I trust to bin after you and Angela leave". Yep. Oh well.

There have been days when I just do not feel that my heart is in it to go to work. I called out last week. I aggravated old ankle sprains.  I had 22 hours. I can't survive off of the pay I make. I just wish I could get a pay raise or move into a position where I make a bit more money.