Anxiety

This will be hard to post. I will anyway cuz I need to say it. Get it out of my head.

So much anxiety has been rushing through me like many tidal waves. I grit my teeth too much. My heart palpitates. All of which makes me cringe. I get anxious when mom comes home. 

I have no car. My neighbor is still "working" on it for . . uuummm . . . . 18 months now. I cannot go anywhere. I struggle with going to the store or just out somewhere. I just don't want to anymore. 

I get angry easily. Over things that probably will not be said or done. Ever. Anxiety. It just lives inside of me. I want to be social. My life is changing and I do not see the few friends I do have. I feel as if they are alienated from me at my my own expense, fault. 

So many things I want to do. I can't. Money, friends, anxiety,  and whatever my mind fears will keep me in my own private darkness. I just feel like the whole world is against me, does not like me. Why? Don't understand.

I can barely make it to the community college to turn in my homework and take any tests. 

Anyway, that is my two cents. Money seems to be the need of the country, yet has absolutely no value whatsoever. You can take that to the bank, people. 

Government Shutdown

First off, I am very opinionated.

Please feel free to respond to any of my comments. We can have a positive discussion.

The Government shutdown was outrageous and stupid. What the hell was Congress thinking? Please! You have no damn excuse for this nonsense.


Boehner needs to keep his damn mouth shut. Mr boehner, you work for us, the American people. If you can't work for us - you're ass is fired! Pack your shit up and leave the premise now!

If anyone else can't get their shit together to work for the American people, your fired! All of you need to leave your own personal agendas at the damn door and take care of us. We elected you. We will fire you! Get it together, Representatives! We need people to work for us, not fiddle with their monkeys and get paid by rich people! Stupid people!

Ok, this new healthcare bill is less than positive. I do not have a choice. Democracy is all about freedom of choice and voice of opinion. Well, you got mine. I guess we have to make decisions to see what works and what doesn't. Well, this is on the downslide to shitville, folks.

Let's talk about federal programs. No death benefits to our veterans?!?!? Oh, you are so fired, I will have you escorted out of the f**king building! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Can I be any more precise? Maybe my face up in yours will make it clearer. My grandfather fought in Vietnam and Korea. You better believe it, I will stand up for those who fought and died as an American in war time. Oh, Medicare and vet benefits will resume. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. We are disgracing our veterans and our elderly. They deserve these benefits. You are way below these citizens to cut these benefits out to our people. WTF?

In the words of Donald Trump in a rage, "You're f**king fired!"

Get off my steps, don't pass go, and do not collect any money. You don't deserve it you maggots!

Been a while since I posted. Lotz of things on my mind I need to vent.

The  economy has caused a lot of shit to implode my mind.

The biggest thing is the government shut down.

What the hell, shitholes? I mean, damn! Greed rules the world.

Anyway, I will collect my thoughts and come back.

Triquetra, Charmed

I love the show Charmed very much because it is new age and feminine.

I love the triquetra symbol. It is also known as the trinity knot or celtic triangle. It has several meanings. Its three equal arcs represent equality. The continous line expresses eternity. The interweaving represents individuality and unity.

For pagans, it represents the three fold nature of the goddess as virgin, mother, and crone. It also symbolizes life, death, and rebirth. It also represent three forces of nature: earth, air, and water.

For christians, it represents the trinity: father, son and holy ghost. Three persons as one God.

I would like to get this tattoo'd on my left arm. I also would like to get the word charmed as it relates to this symbol and the show, Charmed.

Winter Smartass

This year has been a bit better than the last few. mom found a job, I still haven't yet.

Mom feels as though she may get fired. Her boss, Regina, is such a bitch. She does not know what she is doing as an office manager. She doesn't know the difference between a debit and a credit. Most of the work is calculated for her which makes it tougher for her if something is wrong. Her friend, Debbie, is a raging bitch. She is rude to the customers and curses in public. The owners of the business have no clue or too stupid to see clearly about these two buddy bitches. Well, they will get smite'd and they'll be put in their place. Somebody will tell them off. I'll be there as a laughing hyena! Politics do not work in the office - heed my warning. What you may do unto others will certainly be done unto you.

I wish I lived in New York or Switzerland. Somewhere else other than here. I am a bit depressed about the whole situation - mostly anger and helplessness. I feel stuck in a place where there is no way out and I keep falling. I slip once I feel safe. If I feel that things are going good, life will soon turn to shit. Something will happen to make life darker.

I daydream to aleviate the reality of the dismal feelings. I always wake up knowing how helpless I feel to make things better. I want to be lifted out of this and be placed in a better situation. The reality of it is that won't happen! I know it won't. Life is just not that equal and pleasant. I still want to daydream, to know that there is at least something that I can wish for.

Winter is quite fitting for the moods I've been in lately. I just can't seem to be positive and lift up other's spirits. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I feel like I have to act like a dumbass just to get a job. Apparently, people don't want to hire smart educated people. Why? Maybe they feel like they will get booted out. Well, maybe you deserve it asshole! If you can't do the job, you need to find another one! Give people a 'effin chance!

My mom had knee surgery last month. She is having a sleep study done this month. The doctor's office we are going to is so damn full of immigrants, that we can't get a decent doctor. Overworked? An all too common HELL YES! I mean, I had blood work done in October. It's December and I can't get a person to answer the damn phone. I'd be worse off if I was dying! Maybe I am, they just haven't gotten around to telling me yet! Shit.

Life is just messed up, folks. Not worth dying over it. Damned if you do, damned if you don't scenerio I guess. Now I need money to change careers - which I have none. I can't even finish my bachelor's degree!

America's unemployed.

Internet and Celebrities - A piece of advice!

I came across a blog on a website that someone has forwarded to me.

It was based on an actor whom I adore very much. The author of the blog ranted about the actor and his wife being complete and utter assholes while not taking care of their son.

I was shocked beyond utter belief that this was posted. This was the first time I came across anything negative toward the actor. I am not counting critic's reviews of any films.

I tweeted this actor feeling like I had just been cheated on by this actor's bad behavior.

I had egg all over my face. One of the actor's tweet friends replied that the actor is not that way personally. The blog author was most likely pissed off and spiteful. I immediately tweeted an apology for my ranting.

I will admit when I am wrong. This time I was wrong and I will freely admit that. I am only human and a loyal admirer of this actor. I just hope that he forgives me.

Please be weary of what you read on the internet. You could end up with egg all over your face like myself. I jumped the gun and ended up embarrassed about it. Probably does not matter anyway.

The principle still applies here. Be weary of what you read, it is not always true!

Posthummous: alive again, renewed faith

I have arisen from the dark once again.

Many things have burdened me these past three years. A few things I will not speak of due to the intimate nature of my soul being too vulnerable upon speaking of such matters.

I have taken a hiatus from college for a semester to find work. Work seems to be the worst of the curses that have plagued me. I would love to finish my Bachelor's degree, maybe finish two at the same time. My financial aid has hit a plateau that has made it hard to continue with courses. I will, however, tackle this problem later in the year.

My mother has been ill with various things. She is getting these things fixed at a snail's pace. Luckily, she has health insurance now. This has made our lives a bit harder than most, at least for the time being.

The house is up for sale. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a deck, and side steps. We have A little over 14 acres of which 1 acre is cleared for the house. I have been wanting to move out of this house for too long. Mom has wanted to keep it. We are walking forward to a better life and starting over again. I'de love to move to New York or Massachusettes soon. Maybe within a year or two. I just do not want to go back to Georgia nor stay in the Carolinas.

There are so many things that I want to do. These things have been derailed for years. I have got to get them done before my time is up in this existence. I see a new horizon before me to do this.

To any readers out there:
I hope this reaches you in a good place. Always feel free to reply and talk if you would like. We all will get through this together.