New beginnings

It seems that I have a new perspective on things right now.

I checked my schedule Saturday to see when I would be working. My schedule changed to third shift beginning on Sunday night. I was off this weekend. My third shift started Sunday night from 10 pm to 7 am.

This means I get a break from my department and the slackers who work with me. No more pushing me around and getting pissed off at the slackers not doing their job. I used a palm pilot last night and I got a call from work asking where it was. Pissed me the hell off!  

Third shift will give me time to adjust to my emotional whirlwind. It has calmed down substantially since Friday. Thomas and I are Facebook friends. He is married. He has grown children and a grandchild. I can live with knowing that he is in a happy place and we are ok with each other.

About a week and a half ago we had three palm pilots in my department. Now we are down to one. I searched really well for the lost one to no avail. Don’t f**king call me about it. Don’t chew my ass out about it. I’m so f**king tired of hearing about the damn palm pilots. It is not my fault that everyone else can’t keep up with them! There is a lot of traffic through my department. Someone probably got it and never returned it! F**k off people! I am definitely going to bring this shit up with the store manager.

I have a headache. This is my third day on third shift. I am not cut out to do this shift. I am stocking back-to-school supplies. The school supply area is atrocious! It is always messy when I come in. It has to be seriously organized so I can stock and get as much merchandise out as I can.

Anyway, I see myself coming full circle with my crush on Thomas and coming to terms with it. I am wiser from the experience.

Emotional Experiences

It’s Friday and I’m off. Brandon asked me if I would be interested in working third shift for three weeks to stock back-to-school supplies. He asked me last night. I said I would. He told me to see Ms Vicki. I am on it. It will be forty hours. I’m glad I get a break from my department. I’ve seen Thomas since my last post. I’ve had some anxiety. I saw him today and he said hello. I said hey as I was leaving from speaking with Ms Vicki. I miss our old manager, Frank. It just feels different in my department now. So much drama and crap going on.

I’m still obssessed with Thomas. I have to move through this. I feel like crying right now as I write this. I felt as though finding a guy like Thomas. I may have jumped off the cliff too hard in this situation. I’m mad and upset. It is something you’ll never get over. You have to chalk it up to personal experience and move on. I just don’t know what happened to me. Maybe one day I will figure it out or realize I’ve known all along and admit to myself what it was. I’m lonely and really would love someone. I hope that all my personal experiences with this crush and anxiety doesn’t send me to the loony bin!

I’m trying to get back into USC-Lancaster. I’d like to transfer to the store in Lancaster if I can get started this fall semester. I can work and take classes without all the travelling. It would be great. I can keep up with my blog and school work. I would not have to venture to far to go to work with my college class schedule. I hope I can get everything done to get back in before the semester starts.

One of my best friends is suffering a personal loss. Her grandmother passed away a few days ago. My heart hurts for her. I know what it is like to lose a grandmother. My grandmother passed away ten years ago. Mom and I were there when she passed on. I’m glad MacKenzie was there with her granny in the final moments. I just want to hold her and take the pain, grief away. It is something that we all must work through in life as much as we fear, loathe, and hate the experience.

Wo am I? (poetry)

I am an individual

A distinction from the rest

I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister

I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart

I walk a quiet existence

On the edge of living - alone and cold

I watch, learn, experience, observe

Life as it changes seasons

Life is the instructor, I am the student

Rain falls into darkness - me

Pushing forward through my tears

Of sorrow and joy - alone I am

I walk through the rain for you

Always hoping to find my rainbow

On this journey people speak of

Something called life and living

A journey I must take

Alone with sorrow and pain

I need to understand why I am here

I am a lifelong learner - eternally

No matter what the weather may bring

I live by my emotions and my heart

This quiet existence, will anyone know me?

Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?

I believe through my intelligence

This sets me from the rest

My emotions make me human, alone

Emotions -

I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate

My horizons expand from dusk till dawn

I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow

The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am

Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears

To share and to love what has become of me -

Rather than to fear what wealth I will have

In the end, I will know a purpose -

My purpose - Who I am

Peaceful days and poetry

It has been very peaceful these past few days at work. Thomas hasn’t been seen so my tears have not returned. I cashiered yesterday which was a new experience. I am used to moving around a lot in my department constantly. I stood around for a while in between customers. I felt like I was slacking off. I zoned around my register.

A customer came up to my register with a few items. One of them was liver or gizzards. Anyway, the lid was coming off and there was a bloody mess. I wanted to throw up! My OCD was kicking in and it was about to get bad! Luckily I had hand sanitizer and disinfectant spray so I took care of the spill immediately. I let the customer know I appreciated him being patient as I cleaned the spill up.

I am slowly working on compiling my poetry on a flash drive. Once I have compiled everything, I will begin printing it off for my poetry notebook.  It is going to be in titled sections. I may post some poetry on my blog as I go along. I’m excited that this project is under way! Maybe I can get it published one day!

I’ve been enjoying the late shifts this week. It has given me time to blog and keep up with my poetry project. I have some early shifts next week.  I will try to keep up on adding poetry to the flash drive as time permits. I will make a recommendation to my manager that I enjoy the later shifts.

religion philspohy

I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ and his almighty grace. It’s grace alone by one’s faith that we are to get to heaven.

One fundamental question remains with me.

Why twist a religious belief to fit one’s own agenda?

Do they not know that they will be banished to hell for eternity for their selfish needs? It is a false righteousness that leads them down the path of hell.

This is a philosophical question that will never satiate the need for answers.

About Me

I am putting myself out into the world. I know there will be some crazies out there, but it is ok.  Here are some things about me that people would find interesting.

Most valuable characteristics I have are loyalty, caring nature, raw, passionate, intelligence, emotional, and common sense. Most annoying or weakest characteristics I have are being too emotional, my colorful language, and being a smartass.

My hobbies include a wide range of things and activities. I collect stickers and books from my favorite authors. I collect small legos. I journal, do crafts, write poetry, collect and watch DVDs, and enjoy music.  I enjoy many things, but these are the main hobbies I have.

My musical taste varies a lot. I enjoy classic rock such as Marshall Tucker Band and Allman Bros. Contemporary music consists of Sarah Mclaughlin, Maroon 5, Madonna, and Adele. When I get into a philosophical or a contemplative mood, I like to listen to Van Morrison, Al Stewart, and Jackson Browne. I do enjoy heavy metal. I was, am, and always will be a metal head. Some of my favorites include Ozzy and Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Cradle of Filth, and Judas Priest. My music palate is big  as I do listen a lot based on moods.

Television is very limited to me with no cable or satellite. I refuse to pay the high prices for low quality shit people call shows nowadays. Sons of anarchy is by far the most unique and retrospective show I have watched. I am a fan of Ron Perlman (SOA character Clay Morrow) so I had to pick up the seasons on DVD. Any shows or movies based on Stephen King novels such as Haven and Under the Dome are great. I don’t watch too many animated shows; however, I do enjoy South Park and Family Guy.  Other shows I watch include Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, Person of Interest, and American Horror Story. Shows like Criminal Minds, CSI, and Hannibal are great because of the psychological and legal aspects of crimes.  I will always be an X-Files and Charmed fan. I love supernatural oddities and magic. I love collecting movies and shows on DVD.

There are subject areas that interest me in many ways. Some of the main subjects I enjoy reading about include mythology, religion, magic (Wicca), supernatural, criminalistics, psychology, tattoos, and religion. Haunted houses are very interesting to investigate.

I consider myself a BBW which means big beautiful woman. I’m changing my habits to lose some weight. That will change in the near future. I have pierced ears and tattoos. Let’s talk about tattoos and piercings for a moment. I have my own limitations and have limits on other people. I will not be intimate with a man who has his pecker pierced. Just won’t happen at all! I will not pierce anything other than my ears. I will not risk losing any sensation or be scratched in my woman area. As far as tattoos, no part of my woman parts will be inked.

Religion is a very hot topic. I am a Christian; however, I do consider myself spiritually philosophical as well. I have never been a devout Christian because people twist religion to fit their needs, not by God’s way. I do attend church on Sunday.

Basic favorites: tea, Mexican food, fall, October, Halloween, horror/sci-fi/action movies, Sly Stallone, Stephen King, purple, sterling silver jewelry, and Aerosmith.

Passing Through

I’ve been having a hard time with my emotions lately. I want to cry every time I go in to work. I’m worried I will run into Thomas. I just want to cry when I see him. It takes me a while to recover my crying spell to being happy. After I do recover, I feel fine and dandy. Ron ran into his old flame from high school a while back. He is dating her now. That throws me out of the game to try to date him.  I feel screwed all the way around on romance at work and in general life. Thomas is still nice to me. I have really been trying to avoid him in order to keep myself from crying. I fell so damn hard for him. I still can’t quite understand what happened to me emotionally. I am curious as to his twin brother. I’d like to know if he is single.

I dropped off my readmission application to USC-Lancaster on Friday. I tried applying at another store of the same company. It seems I can’t do it right now. I’ve been working for the same company 3.5 months now. It will be 6 months at the end of September. I asked for a Saturday off which my boss granted. My typical weekend is Saturday s work and Sunday s off. The first weekend in August is opposite because of my day off request. At least I got that much.

Thursday night I had a severe emotional anxiety attack. I enjoy working evenings during the week. There isn’t many customers late at night. Ron and Mike left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A sudden fear of loneliness and despair made me want to cry. When my severe anxiety and panic hits me , I can bottle it up into tears. It is my negative psychological response to what is happening to me. After my shift ended, I called in sick Friday. I just could not deal with it. All of the anxiety and panic is making it very hard for me to function at work. Now that I am suffering from a self-induced heartbreak, it is so much worse. I need to seek counseling.

Mom and I went to several Goodwill stores Saturday. I had fun. Mom wanted to stop at Hobby Lobby. We did not get a chance to because I had to be at work late that afternoon. Mom started to get depressed. Sunday we went to church. We had brunch at Cook-Out. She got depressed again as the tears started flowing. I feel so helpless when she has those feelings. I feel helpless when I have severe anxiety and depression as well. We went to Aldi and Wal-Mart.  It had been raining on and off all weekend.

I feel as though I am only passing through this life. What I truly want is out of my grasp.  I want Thomas which is something I can’t seem to have. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree, which may be difficult to obtain. I want to have children, which my integrity stands in the way of sleeping around. Sometimes ethics and morality suck. I want mom to be happy and I feel helpless to help her. I would love to see her find someone that will love and cherish her. Neither one of us socializes much.  I want more tattoos and a person to ink my skin. Think like a friend with benefits situation. Yeah, does not seem to want to happen now does it?  It seems that I am eternally damned to be miserable. Hope breeds misery.

Living by my heart, soul

Last night at work I wanted to cry. It is as I figured and proposed. Heartbreak.

My life now is being ruled by my heart. My heart is of love, passion, emotion, soul, care, and goodness. My head is full of logic, anger, contemplation, and indifference. Both seem to find parallel paths in this world and in my life.

 

I found out that Thomas has a 27 year old son and a grand baby. It’s wonderful!!!!!!   J

I told a co-worker that hangs out with him my age. She is his buddy which is cool. He made a comment to the effect that time was running out. Shit! I wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to tell him that I know that already.

My heart tells me that often. I know my fertile years are dwindling down to zero. The sand in the hour glass is unbearable. I don’t want to be intimate with just anyone and end up pregnant. That is not how I want my life to be. I have more integrity now than I did when I was young.

My zone manager wanted me to zone our other department. It is a place of quiet contemplation for me. A co-worker wanted to go with me. I almost told her that I’d like to be by myself. Oh well. I do enjoy teamwork, sometimes I like the quiet contemplation that comes with the other department.

I wonder how I will be able to handle this heartbreak while at work. I’m not going to just quit. I need the job. I have three more months until I can transfer. Logic escapes me as to why I fell so hard for Thomas? I never fell for anyone else like this. I’ve had crushes, this is beyond my scope of logic. I’ve had panic attacks based on this crush or “falling in love” or whatever it is.

All I want to do is erase these last three months. Start over from scratch. I want to cry and scream and be mean. I can’t be a mean bitch like I want to be right now. I want to cover up everything. I want to scream and hit something, tear things up.

I am not sure what will happen at work today. I guess I need to bear the heartache. Hopefully I  can avoid him and my tears.

Positive Things

I worked Wednesday from 7 to 4. I was sent to another department for the day. My department manager and zone manager were talking about me staying in one department for 20 hours and the other department for 20 hours a week. It should give me about 40 hours a week. I was hired for one main department. Even though there is an additional department that is part of my area. It is fine for me to balance between the two departments. I would love to have more hours every week. Although a pay raise would be nice.

It would seem  that my zone manager is prepping me to manage myself in the other department. It is cool with me. I enjoy being a part of a team. There are times when I want to be independent and work by myself. I feel that I can get a lot of tasks done when I am independent. I like to balance it out.

I do see issues ahead.

First, I want to go back to USC-Lancaster to begin courses to finish my bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. I would like to add Psychology as well. Working full time may pose a time management issue with classes. I might have to work on Sunday afternoons. I feel that I can do it as long as USC and y employer can work with me.

Second, I worry about sales in my main department. A few people slack off a lot. Customers are our main priority. If we can't provide excellent customer service, sales will plummet. Our satisfaction rating will fall as well.  There are two associates that seem to be all-time slackers. One has an attitude problem. There other, well, he seems to forget he has to work, not run his mouth and float around.

Third, it's my crush on Thomas. It's not a issue to me. It might pose one to others if it got out bad. I talked to Thomas briefly Tuesday night. I was in the office with Latoya, Quisha, and Jarman. Thomas came in. I told him we were having a pow-wow. He said something and I said that they should listen to him. Thomas said to take care of me and that I was a trip. Damn straight. He's my sweetheart! All hands off my buddy!

Lastly, one minor issue at best. I hate mornings! I'm a late night owl! Owls are a majestic bird! Beautiful!

Quote

HEARTBREAK, OTHER ITEMS

I can see that I may have set myself up for a heart break. Thomas was working Sunday. I am off Sundays.  I stopped by to see my department manager about adding a job code so I can get more hours. He recommended I talk to the managers who oversee the front end. I think Thomas was in a bad mood. I swear he had a small goatee under his lip. I spoke to Miss Barbara yesterday and she said it wasn’t his twin because his twin does not do that kind of work. I don’t know. It all threw me off a bit.

Sometimes when he is in a bad mood, it hurts my heart. I feel him emotionally. I feel that I may have set myself up to break my own heart. I allowed myself to become emotional over Thomas. I have a hard time handling these new emotional changes. I don’t understand them yet. Maybe I never will. I don’t like being on an emotional roller coaster at all. I’ve never felt so overthrown by emotion over a guy before. It is scary and unknown. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable; I want to get to know him and find out if we can work. I will do what it takes even if I have to find another job.

Mom had a rough weekend. She had three days off that were wrecked by a severe toothache. She went to the dentist yesterday to have it extracted. I left my keys in her car on Sunday. I was looking for a shirt she thought was in the car. Of course I did not realize I didn’t have keys until 30 minutes before I was scheduled to go to work. Mom had to turn around from work to give me keys. I was over an hour late for work. Shitty Monday.

I was in another department all day. I go back to my department and find 2 buggies of stuff that wasn’t worked. I get frustrated because there was an item that needed to be locked up that was sitting out for someone to steal. Luckily one of the third shift personnel offered to put up the items in my department. The buggy I had full of stuff I could not finish because my shift was up. I wonder what will happen today because I wasn’t able to do everything I needed to do. Oh, I will be speaking my mind about the buggies full of items that were supposed to be worked and weren’t!

Set fire to the rain (ADELE)

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing gets better

Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
As if that heart you caught is still waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from looking for you

I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh
Oh, oh

Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

Read more: Adele - Set Fire To The Rain Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Live by the heart, not the head

I am still crushing on Thomas. I know, I know. It gets old.

I have heart palpitations, I can’t seem to talk to him. I don’t understand these feelings I am having. It is very scary for me. I’ve had crushes before, none like this. I just want to cry. How can I be myself when I can barely speak normally and not feel so out of touch?

All I want to do at work when Thomas is there is hang out with him. I want to stare at him, ask questions about him, and talk about stuff.

Of course I feel like blabbing everything about me to him. Except my dark, gothic side. I’m not into any wild, dark kinky weird shit. I love metal and metal heads. Tattoos of course. I would get his name tattooed on me somewhere of his choosing.

I have plans today. Make a car payment, pay my phone bill, and join a gym. I need to lose 70 pounds. I am starting at 70 to get me started on losing weight and getting some muscle. I do not want to look bulky or anything similar. I just want to lose weight so maybe I can have a better chance with Thomas.

Maybe one day he can read my blogs about him. Yesterday he talked to me. My heart fluttered. I was in such a good mood. I hate being so shy! I just can’t seem to tell him. I get choked up, I want to cry, my anxiety is through the roof, and I say all the wrong things around him. Yeah, that is the scope of it right now.

I need to quit before I get all antsy and pass out!