Thoughts on Anxiety and opening up to people

I have been opening up to a few people at work. I had an online order to fill yesterday. It was a huge pool. I asked Mark (co-worker who works in the garden center) to help me. He said to get another person to help. He asked me if I was the Holly that had a quote on her locker. I said yes. He asked what it meant. I explained that I have major panic disorder and anxiety attacks. I have borderline OCD as well. Not bad enough for an official diagnosis, bad enough to disrupt my days. Mark has anxiety, too! I felt a bit of relief that another person knows how I feel.  

I talked to Frank and Jarman yesterday. They both are assistant managers. Jarman is taking Frank’s place. He is leaving to go to a Charlotte area Wal-mart. I tried to hold back the tears from anxiety. I explained about Dee and her shitty attitude. I also told them about the time she approached me about a palm pilot gone missing and how it was an automatic dismissal. I also spoke about needing more hours and transferring out of the electronics department. Dee was as nice as she could be after that. What a rouse! I feel that she will be back being the nasty woman she usually is.

Ron’s back was hurting him last night. I offered to give him a back rub. I wanted to ask him if he could give me some creative input about my poetry book and online blog book. Things got a little hectic and I did not get a chance to ask him.

I am really starting to trust Ron a lot more. I feel the anxiety of opening up to people. I don’t like being vulnerable. I feel the fear of getting hurt, betrayed. I want so badly to trust Ron more. I want him to feel like he can trust me as well. I have been thinking about letting him read some of my poetry and journal entries.

I don’t like feeling fear and anxiety. It scares me when it happens. I want to cry because I’m not in control.  I don’t have the confidence and the friendships to lean on to help me through it. There is no “safe” place to be to cry, let it all out.

I am passionate, raw, and emotional. I am fiercely independent. I have a hard time asking people to help me. I just want to do it on my own because of the lack of trust and fear of betrayal. I value friendships and loyalty over being a social butterfly. It is all about the trust and love.

Do I value these things too much? Are my fears over taking my life? There are so many philosophical questions with no one to guide me straight. There is no one around to answer them or offer up some sense. I try to make sense out things that happen.

I want to have children. I want to settle down, have some fun every now and again, and be who I am only better. Is this so hard to ask? Apparently it is hard. I seek clarity and sense. Philosophically speaking, I am a sage, a troubadour.  

I still have a badass streak inside of me that is that smartass rocker chick. After almost thirty years of being who I am, how can people expect me to change? Really.

REJECTION, MAYBE

I had the courage to ask Thomas a hypothetical question. Which basically went “would you feel uncomfortable if you knew someone had a crush on you”. He said that he couldn’t talk to associates like that. Or some version thereof. He asked if that answered my question. I said it wasn’t what I wanted to hear and walked off.

I still have a crush on him. I don’t care who knows now. I asked Ms. Barbara about Thomas. She said I needed to talk to the other Barbara. The other Barbara went to school with him. I asked her if he had a twin. She said that Thomas told her not identical because he is a little bit shorter than he is. That really doesn’t matter. It’s all about genetics. They still can be identical twins if one fertilized egg split into two.

She kinda figured I had a crush on him, she asked me if I did. I said I do. She said to tell him. I said that I try, but I just can’t quite muster up the courage to tell him.

I am still so damn shy. My heart flutters, my cheeks are red, I just want to cry, I get anxious, and sometimes giddy. I have never felt like this towards a guy before.

EVER!  

Car Trouble

My mom and I have had car trouble.

My car got stuck in reverse in a business parking lot. Cost us $300 with towing, parts, and labor. The gear cable came loose when I put the car in reverse. I was so scared it was the transmission. Luckily it wasn't. I had to buy brake pads which was part of the bill.

Mom's car tried to crank, but would not. We had to have it towed to the local Chevrolet dealership to get it fixed. Luckily it was the ignition switch (or whatever) that quit. That was $300. We let the lender know we had car trouble and would be making the payment next paycheck.

Seriously. Always something. I have no air conditioner in my car. I have a fan that plugs into the cigarette lighter which circulates the hot air. I still sweat going to work. I smell by the time I get to work which makes me anxious.

Dreams and Crushes

I had a weird dream this morning as I was napping with my cats. I laid back down in bed after mom had left for work. Buster was sleeping beside me.

 

I dreamed that I had sold a Chevrolet Tahoe champagne color to a couple. I sold it for about $3000. I can only estimate how much. They gave me part cash. For some reason I gave them two checks. One was for $1000 and the other was for $500 (as best as I can remember). I realized what I had done after speaking to my mom about the sale. The mood was indifference, no positive or negative feelings in the dream. I was in papa’s house, but it wasn’t quite the same house. It was dusk. It felt very gothic, darkness. I felt comfortable, but a bit vulnerable and stupid.

 

My dreams have become seemingly normal nowadays. They used to be so dark and negative. I feel that I am evolving into a better, more relaxed person. I still enjoy the gothic and erotic dreams. It keeps things real and true.  I used to keep a dream journal. I need to make sure I write my dreams down. I may just post them on my blog.

I do tend to daydream. Ok. I know I need to think about other stuff. But, Damn! I don’t even know their last name!

At a crossroad

I still have a crush on Thomas.  My anxiety has calmed downed, the tidal waves have ebbed. I try to make myself talk to him to feel a bit more comfortable around him. Saturday I went to him to see if he could unlock the family bathroom in the back of the store. He did, it was a request from a customer. The door was sticking and hard to open.

I want so much to have a friendship with him, at least, if nothing else. He is so damn fine! He seems like a down-to-earth traditional kind of guy. I am so ready to settle down, no wild shit for me anymore. I still have a badass streak that is too much a part of me to let go. It is only a small part of me; it will never affect me to go off the deep end.

I’m such a tender-hearted, raw, passionate, emotional, extremely shy, and intelligent person. I’ve never felt like this toward a guy. I need feedback as to what is going on.

 I’m so self-conscious about my weight. I have made strides in changing my eating habits and have lost a few pounds. I need to join a gym. Looking forward to it when I get paid. Hopefully I can lose70 pounds by September. I don’t want to be too skinny. Definitely want to keep some meat on my bones.

A new project is coming to fruition. My poetry will be typed up on a flash drive for safe keeping. I hope to have it published, book bound by the end of the year.  I have been way past slacking on writing poetry. I just have not been in the mood to do it. I barely write in my journal anymore. No title just yet.

Friday

I was off today. I switched with a co-worker. I will have a bit of overtime which is great.

Saw my eye candy yesterday! Still looking handsome. Hopefully I will see him again today.

My anxiety has lifted quite a bit. I know a bit why it had been so abrupt and hard. Partly due to my crush on Thomas. Partly due to period. Ugh! I want my eye candy!

Tragic Anxiety, A moment of happiness

Today has been rough for me. Too much anxiety and wanting to cry most of the day.  My eye candy, Thomas, apparently was having a tough day as well.
 

 The new guy, Mike, needed a Playstation 4 for a customer. I told him this would be a teachable moment. I asked Thomas if he had the key to the locked area of our stock room. He opened it up. I was explaining to  Mike that we bin and pick to maintain our inventory control. Thomas told me good job as he added what I had missed. Damn, so yummy! Still crushing over him, he made it even better today! Thank you! 

Anyway, Dee had me work on adding DVDs to the new fixture. I was fine until I finished it. I was lost without too much to do. Dee just rubs me the wrong way. I am at wits end. The whole department is being remodeled and re adjusted. This means that I am at a loss as to where everything is at. My OCD is in overdrive because everything has been uprooted. My routine and consistency has to be changed.

I told Angela I had OCD, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I felt better after I spilled it out to someone. I am beginning to get claustrophobia. Maybe it’s everyone who is working at the same time that is making my agoraphobia worse. I have been set in my own way working in the department. Everything has turned my insides outward!

I want so bad to tell my managers that I have issues. I am so scared that I will be rejected, look down on, and be too pitiful for work. I am screwed! At least I can hang on to what little things that have made me happy.

Panic, anxiety, pissed off, and other assortments

Yesterday Thomas walked by me and said hello. My heart melted. That made my day! 

I have asked Ron and Angela about Thomas. Angela said that Thomas has a twin. Angela also told me to talk to Barbara. Barbara went to school with Thomas and his twin. I am venturing out a bit to see what I can find out. 

Ron doesn’t know too much about him. Ron also knows that I have Panic Disorder and panic attacks. I haven’t told him about my OCD yet. 

I was at a cash register the other night when a customer bought some meat. It was leaking. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I asked Chad (store manager) if there were any sanitizing wipes, he said he’ll check. One of the CSM gals found me some. I wiped the whole damn register down! Not to mention my arms, drink, and anything else I could find to wipe down! 

Yesterday, Dee, a zone manager, pissed me off. It was over a palm pilot. I told her I’m usually the one who does online orders cause no one else gives a shit about doing them. I asked Ron if there was ever a person who he barely knew that just rubbed him the wrong damn way or raw. He said yeah. I told him about Dee. He said she is pretty much crass all the time. I would need to let it roll of me cause you never know when she is kidding or serious. Apparently she tends to piss people off regularly.  

I am so tired of people leaving me and others on the floor by ourselves. There is a new guy in the electronics department. On top of that, we are redesigning the whole electronics department. I got stuck with scanning clearance for recalls and NOF items. I just feel that I’m not included in things. 

I’ll be there three months at the end of June. Screw all of them if they want to be queen bitch! I’m a smart and resourceful chick anyway. I am opening up to Ron more so than others. I am trusting him not to betray me.  I hope that we can be friends.

Missing my eye candy (Thomas)

I do not want to make people uncomfortable. I have never felt like this towards a guy before. I hope that I do not make him (Thomas) uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.


I have a hard time trusting people. I have been burned and stabbed in the back by people who I allowed into my heart and soul only to f**k me over. Royally.

I have told one person about my "eye candy" at work. I have this fear, whether rational or irrational, that everything will blow up in my face and my heart will be crushed. This heart fluttering and anxiety makes me wanna cry. It scares me a little bit.

He has been on vacation since last Tuesday. He was at work, so I heard, on Monday. Yeah, I was off!!! He has not been back. I'm off today (Thursday). Not sure if he is at work today. Frustrating.

What am I gonna do?? I'm just at my wits end right now.

Far Away (NickelBack)

I know this seems kinda "stalker", I promise it is not. I have panic attacks when I think of a guy named Thomas who works for the same company as I do. Please see prior posts. I heard this song on the radio.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know


So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you

For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go