State of medicine (the toll on the person and family)

 As I sit here in contemplation, I have to address a particular field. Medicine. 

Mom almost died in 2009.She went to see two different doctors in the same medical practice complaining of flu like symptoms. I made her go to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with diabetes. She was unconscious for three days. The ICU doctor said if I had waited any longer she would have lapsed into a coma and died. I got her to the hospital just in time. Her blood sugar was 1714. 

Right now she is in pain with her knees. Bone on bone. It is hard for her to walk. She has dealt with the pain for years. She is scared to death that she will end up being confined to a wheel chair. She is frightened that she will not be able to have the surgery.

She almost had surgery last week. Her pre-op doc wanted her to see a cardiologist. I agree mom needs to be safe going in for surgery so she will be safe coming out. The timing of all this really sucked. The pre op appt was the week before surgery. The surgery had to be put off until the cardiologist signs off on her having the surgery.

Mom and I went to the stress test appt at the hospital. Mom did the echo cardiogram. Mom had a virtual visit with the cardiologist who stated that he did not have the results for the echo cardiogram yet. Another virtual visit is scheduled for Friday. Maybe he will have the results by then.

Mom called the hospital imaging center. They gave her the run around. I am so sick and tired of of the run around from one doctor office to the next. I call bullshit. No straight answers. There has got to be more centralized or compartmentalized care for people who have to see more than one specialist. It is outrageous that we have all this "well, you need to call . . . " attitude. 

It is stressful to take care of a family member who is ill in some way. It scares me to see my mom fall apart. She is frightened that she will not have the surgery on her knees. She is frightened that she will end up in a wheel chair having to be pushed around. She may give up if she is bound to a wheel chair. She barely has any quality of life right now.

I try to compartmentalize it. I am a realist. I can swing to pessimism or optimism given the situation. I use selfishness to mask my emotions. I become afraid that I will turn off my emotions completely. I do not want to turn my back on my humanity, my soul because the emotions are too intense. I know we all must face these challenges. We do not have a strong support system. Every day is a struggle. Every day we are reminded of them. It is s struggle to stay positive. 

I do not want to lose my mom. I lost my grandmother in 2004. She was my other parent. I took care of her when her health took a bad turn. She had a proliferated ulcer and went to the hospital on a Wednesday. She passed away that following Saturday morning. She was on a ventilator. Mom and I had to make the decision to take her off. Worst moment. 

It is the worst feeling to see mom so frightened and scared. I can't do anything. I can't fix her knees. She is very stubborn. She does not listen to me much. She does regret some things that she should have listened to me on. I do not want her to give up. Her mother gave up. I was four when she died. She quit taking her diabetes medication. She had an infection in her foot. She lapsed into a coma and later passed away.

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA.

It is done and gone. We have to be present and face today. I know mom will get the surgery. It was already scheduled. I ask God to help her have the gift of having knees, to walk again. Her pain to be limited so she can have a better quality of life. 

Hope is eternal. God willing we wake up tomorrow to a new day.. 

Unique disposition & Empowerment of expresssion

 I have realized that I am in a unique disposition in life. A place I have never thought I would be in. A strong woman and outspoken. I require a strong man to be by my side.

The guy I consider one of my best friends is a teenager in an adult body. The guy has a heart of gold. He always has sex on the brain. I am not interested in him like that. There are physical reasons why, I am respectfully NOT mentioning flaws because I have plenty. It is all perception. Beauty. Ugly. Flaws. We can go on and on. Stop on it now. He is not qualified for what I need in my life. I will not kick him to the curb. It is one thing for people to drift apart, another to step people to the curb for petty trite bull shit. 

I do tend to have a personal love / hate crush on my tech, Steve. I do not mind stating it here. I feel comfortable saying it. I had a crush on my other tech, Tim. I can not quite put my finger on what made me have a crush on Steve. I figure it may be a sense of him as a rebel or bad ass. I do not know much about him personally. I want to. Whatever place either of are in, we still can talk.

I am in this unique place of self expression. I feel confident in speaking my mind. Professionally. Personally. I am empathic. I feel what others are feeling. I can turn it off or dial it down sometimes if I am around people that I have no connection to.

I feel empowered to be able to visually express words. It is the written word that I am best at when it comes to being personal. I am skimming on the surface many times. I journal those deep emotions and thoughts. I am empowered to express my thoughts. I want to empower myself for oration. I do not want to be an orator. I do not do public speaking. Someday give an oration. 

It is about empowerment of my personal expression. To express my thoughts respectfully and thoughtfully to others without hesitation. I can be coy as needed. I will no longer be the sweet little girl. The nice coy girl who just does. Not the good little soldier. If you can not take criticism, then get off my bus.

To Steve, "Thinking of you" by Christian Kane 

Therapeutic Dose (Journaling)

As a youngster, I always used writing as a way to express myself. I believe that no one wants to hear me. As a strong woman and a malevolent child, I've always wanted to be heard.

No one wants to hear about being on the right path or doing the right thing. As I type this blog, feelings of silence are deafening. Words fall on deaf ears. 

It is all about the politics. We live in a "me me me" society. The bottom line is how can a person or a thing benefit me and my agenda. This is so true where I work. It is all about the perception of righteousness indignation and a personal agenda.

One strength I have is the spoken word. I speak louder with the written word than any oration I can give. My written word is my spoken word. I use the written word to be heard even if it is just my own private words. 

Journaling is very therapeutic. As I write the words on paper, the obsessive thoughts leave my mind. Some thoughts linger only to be a reminder of more thoughts that need to be said. Writing is very cathartic. I could write pages and pages if my hand did not hurt. 

Journaling is expressive, creative, and an emotional release. I have an idea for an open letter to management that I'd like to post one day. I will definitely write up thoughts and tighten it up a bit.

The ideas are already swirling in my head. I recommend keeping a journal. It does not have to be fancy. It can be a notebook that students use for class. 

Strength of a woman

All I have to say is if you are afraid or worried about dealing with a strong women, step to the curb!

No one is gonna put me down. I am tired of not being the outspoken strong woman I am supposed to be. I can't just not be the quiet coy little girl that people have come to know.

I am tired of being harassed and not having the support from my supervisor and colleagues.

The fear is always with me when it comes to my Panic Disorder. I have suffered in silence for so long. I've had panic attacks and never told anyone. I suffered in silence and moved on. It is the stigma and fear that comes with my issues. I do not want to make it worse by talking about it.

I look at it this way, if you ain't gonna, I am gonna do it. My supervisor does not want to change things for the better of our community. For the greater strength of us united. We have to let those people who break the rules and break the law (we are in transportation industry), they have to go. It is not about his image alone. We made him, we can break him.

Apparently, a can of WHOOP ASS is in order here. I am tired of testifying against people because of someone NOT doing the right thing. 

Strength comes from within. Stay strong and keep a high ethical standard. This will keep you going thru the bullshit and the politics.

Employment Communication Breakdown

It has been very difficult to find a job. 

Technically I am still employed. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I am out of work. 

Schools are closed so there is no transportation. They do not need me.

Now, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

People communicate with me wanting to setup interviews. They make initial contact. After that, nothing. Dropped off the face of the earth! 

I'm like, really? What? I could not have done anything in the short period of time to scare someone off. That is some messed up shit. There. I said it. 

Please do not waste my time if you will not follow through with anything. 

So the drama continues, I am on point!

Why is it so hard to add a or change a phone number? 😈

I sent someone a text back in May to confirm that I completed a task that was required. That said person text back okay. Now, I find out thru a colleague that a test run was cancelled. This someone made a big ho ha about how a reminder text was sent out and blah blah blah. 

Like . . . . Ya shoulda coulda woulda just said that the thing was cancelled! D'oh. Too much drama llama mama!

This said person is in a supervisory lead role. This said person gets mad when we supposedly cause drama and do things that affect morale. Anything that can cause dissension.

You are part of the problem. All of your politics and facades have caused too much drama which was a problem to start with.

Let me set you straight and on point with this.  

The general vibe and energy in the department says . . . 

First, 

You do not care what goes on or you just do not pay attention.

Second, 

It is a "what he gonna do to me - NOTHING" vibe on in the department.  

Third, 

If someone gets caught, it usually a slap on the hand or swept under the rug. Only if it affects you. It is all about you. Walk that runway!

Case in point. I was told that your supervisor just happened to be in your office when you were watching footage of me. You HAD TO suspend me because he was aware. If he had not known, I would NOT have been suspended. All of it would have been swept under the rung (figuratively speaking).

Fourth, 

You do what suits you to keep up appearances.  

Fifth, 

I see you. You are here, but not here. You are physically here in our department. Your mind and spirit are somewhere else. If I see you, you have a phone attached to your ears. 

Final Thought,

I do not think you truly understand the perspective of your employees. You are around, not in true spirit of what you speak (verbally, emails, etc). You are so detached from us that your appearance is that you DO NOT GIVE A DAMN. 

All in all, you are not a bad person. I believe your management style needs improvement. You are not gonna catch people doing wrong if you do not think like them. If you are gonna catch a criminal, be like one (thought process). 

Burn it down (Linkin Park)

The cycle repeated
As explosions broke in the sky
All that I needed
Was the one thing I couldn't find
And you were there at the turn
Waiting to let me know

We're building it up
To break it back down
We're building it up
To burn it down
We can't wait
To burn it to the ground

The colors conflicted
As the flames, climbed into the clouds
I wanted to fix this
But couldn't stop from tearing it down
And you were there at the turn
Caught in the burning glow
And I was there at the turn
Waiting to let you know

We're building it up
To break it back down
We're building it up
To burn it down
We can't wait
To burn it to the ground

You told me yes
You held me high
And I believed when you told that lie
I played soldier, you played king
And struck me down, when I kissed that ring

Politics - Sometimes I wonder about people

Sometimes I wonder about people.

I have seen a lot of politics in the workplace over the years. I grew up in the retail automotive industry since I was a kid back in Georgia. I've seen politics from Georgia to South Carolina to North Carolina. 

I learned a lot of nasty under handed crap just in the name of politics. I've been the one to purposefully NOT do the nasty things I've learned. It gets you NOWHERE in the long run. It is not a means to an end. You will fall eventually off that ladder of your facade of success. 

It seems that politics have taken over my department. It is a facade of innuendo and word play to cover one's rear end. 

An employee gets suspended for a violation in policy. The said employee turns herself in the same day it occurred.  Suspension took place about two weeks later (after the manager finally got around to it). During the employee's suspension, the violation gets looked at by other employees in the same department and another department. 

This is a violation of policy. It was brought to the manager's attention that the violation had been viewed by others. The manager blew it off as well as the manager's direct supervisor. 

Employee's suspension lasted three weeks and with pay. It was done. Over. Time to move on. Not so quite. A few weeks ago, a driver from another department approached the said employee about the incident. The driver said that she had allegedly seen the video and DSS was coming to get the employee. The employee told her manager who blew it off as innuendo and rumors. This is harassment and it is being allowed. The only thing the employee had told the other driver was if they had a problem with the policy violation, speak to her direct manager. This employee knew that she has a case of harassment.

There are many things that are happening around us that will eventually be one's own downfall. We have people that break rules, violate the law. It is not allowed to have ear phones for the safety of others. Yet, every day we have people that do it. We have people that violate traffic laws that are specific to our industry. Yet, it still happens. A tragedy will eventually happen. Not an IF, but a WHEN. I am going to make sure that it is told. When we have a safety issue, I TOLD YOU SO. 

People use our equipment for personal use. It is not an UBER! Three months 81 did this. I witnessed it three times. I referred the two of the incidents to management. The third time I knew it was NOT worth it. 7979 and 9191 witnessed 8181 do this for three months. it was not a so-and-so saw this and told us. 7979 and 9191 told 8181 to stop, she would get into trouble. All management did was send out an email stating it was a terminable offense. That was sent out before the third time I witnessed the same incident. 

Management wants things to look good for management. Management gets pissed if there is anything that goes against management in any way. 

There were two open positions in the office. I applied for both of them. The management sent a lead office staff out to do some interviews. Management  had NO INTENT on hiring from our department. Management brought in two people from different departments. Another lead was politically forced to another department. This lead was outspoken and smart. The lead that did the mock interviews is a good little soldier who will do as asked. It is all a legal farse. A facade of management's own innuendos and attitudes. Yet, manager does not take well to out spoken people. 

I question whether these people that were brought in has the credentials that were required for the position in the first place.

It is politics by design. Their own design. The palace will burn and we will encourage the flames.  

My forever bus

2006 Freightliner FS65

Silver Stallion

The name is based on a song . . . 

"Silver Stallion" by The Highwaymen

2020 Wild Ride

It has been another year come and gone.

I have been working for a school district driving a school bus. Two years of politics and bull crap. That is another post.

I came and went at Head Start.  I began my journey of school buses there. I bounced.

2020 has seen its fair share of crap. We have a demented president. A viral pandemic. Economic disaster. Schools are up in the air about re opening to virtual learning or in class instruction or both. That leaves us drivers in turmoil.

I've had a rough year personally. Anxious. Scared. Lonely. Contemplation. Questions. Sickness.   

Mom had been sick with dehydration and severe diarrhea. Finally the doctor diagnosed her with collageanous ulcerative colitis. She is on medication that cost roughly $1200 a month. I was so off balance it affected my work and my mind.

I got suspended from work. I was on paid suspension for three weeks as I was out on leave dealing with a sick parent. 

I finally had the courage to speak up about my anxiety. My supervisor blew me off like a it was nothing. I will blog on that whole mess later. 

I have been trying to keep a rock solid mentality even through the worst of times. 

As of now, I am back on blogging. Steady pace. I need this.