Changes are abound

I am looking into getting a second job. A just can't make it on the little bit I get from my current position. I feel unwanted and left out. It is aggravating. I managed to finish up around 11 am for the past two days. I did better this week than last week. No one came in the office yesterday to verify the deposit. Shit. Assholes.

I have thought about quitting all together. I mean, really. You would think they would pay me better because I am in the accounting office dealing with sensitive information and doing the deposit. I am almost willing to stay until April 1st to see if I would get a raise after being there a year.

I have not had the will to go to the gym. Everything I had worked on is all gone. I just don't have too much will to go to work. I manage to go in and try. I want to show that I can do it. My fears and depression get the best of me. I retreat. The white flag goes out too quickly.

I don't have confidence because I feel left out. Like a nobody. I felt better working at the other store than I do here. I don't have too much to do. I want to cry.

I feel like Thomas  has left me as a friend.  I just have this fear that he is done with me. I feel that he knows my secret and is running away.  I just want a friend to talk to. I am almost tempted to email him to ask if I could drop by for advice.

I feel like I am blabbering. I have a lot of insecurities right now. They are external and internal. I just want to say "fuck it world" and walk away. I have always gone against the grain, but it has been harder than ever before.

I have no family to rely on or talk to. Mom flipped out Sunday over nothing apparent. I can't survive on my own. It is only me.

Something has got to give way for something better. I see that I may have to do something drastic.