Sometimes my need to learn overrides my instincts and intuition. I feel that this case is prime example of such stupid mindless actionable utterances.
This new job is for the birds. I had the day to myself. I was doing fine. I was a bit slow due to my obsessive need to be accurate. I managed to get to the final stages of balancing the cash out when all hell broke loose. I could not balance the room down to my morning balance. I checked everything. I talked to the primary office person and she could not figure it out. She told me that she would look at it when she got in the next morning.
On top of not balancing, I set the safe alarm off. I'm like, just let the police take me away cuz I'm so damn aggravated. I did a final balance and I came up short. I was 1k over to start with. Then I was 3.5k over. I'm like, f**k it. The third balance was gonna stick cuz I wanted out of that box of an office pronto!
I just feel like I'm being ignored. I know I am secondary or back up person, it should not matter. I should be included in things that affect the office. The only time I saw the store manager was when I set the alarm off. I just have this overwhelming sense that I am not wanted or needed. I know that the office does not need two people.
I have been managing my anxiety and depression better than the past month. I wanted to cry today.
It has been chaos since day one of our grand opening. The registers have been off. I mean, AP wasn't there like they have been. I feels as if I have no value and no meaning. The motions are happening, there is no feeling or joy in it anymore. I had a glimmer of hope there for a moment and it was dashed all to hell. Cashiers aren't doing well with the government checks like they are supposed to. We are short handed.
I rather be out on the sales floor than in the office! I can't survive off less than my pay and hours now. If they get cut, I'm sailing on out the door! I should have listened to my instincts and said hell no. It's experience, not in any way the way I wanted things to go.
I would rather get my head bit off by management at the store I was at than to be miserable all the time at this new store. At least I bit back. I never got written up about it either. The hiring freeze better hurry up and end cuz this shit is gonna stop.
I'm feeling very discouraged. No one is trying to pull me out of it. Not even a hello or positive words has come out of management's mouth from day one. I have confidence in myself that I can do the work. I need to know that management has confidence in me. Management has enough trust in me to offer the job to me. I know it will take some time to really truly earn their trust. Trust works both ways people. You got to give me reasons to have confidence in the job and management.
I failed today. I failed management, the primary office associate, and ultimately myself. I basically showed that I have no confidence to perform at my best. It is tremendously unacceptable. I have sunk to s low point today. It's a low point that makes my issues unmanageable. I have a day off tomorrow. I will try to pick myself off the floor and go to work on Thursday. I will be by myself again.
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