I am looking into getting a second job. A just can't make it on the little bit I get from my current position. I feel unwanted and left out. It is aggravating. I managed to finish up around 11 am for the past two days. I did better this week than last week. No one came in the office yesterday to verify the deposit. Shit. Assholes.
I have thought about quitting all together. I mean, really. You would think they would pay me better because I am in the accounting office dealing with sensitive information and doing the deposit. I am almost willing to stay until April 1st to see if I would get a raise after being there a year.
I have not had the will to go to the gym. Everything I had worked on is all gone. I just don't have too much will to go to work. I manage to go in and try. I want to show that I can do it. My fears and depression get the best of me. I retreat. The white flag goes out too quickly.
I don't have confidence because I feel left out. Like a nobody. I felt better working at the other store than I do here. I don't have too much to do. I want to cry.
I feel like Thomas has left me as a friend. I just have this fear that he is done with me. I feel that he knows my secret and is running away. I just want a friend to talk to. I am almost tempted to email him to ask if I could drop by for advice.
I feel like I am blabbering. I have a lot of insecurities right now. They are external and internal. I just want to say "fuck it world" and walk away. I have always gone against the grain, but it has been harder than ever before.
I have no family to rely on or talk to. Mom flipped out Sunday over nothing apparent. I can't survive on my own. It is only me.
Something has got to give way for something better. I see that I may have to do something drastic.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Work Chaos
Sometimes my need to learn overrides my instincts and intuition. I feel that this case is prime example of such stupid mindless actionable utterances.
This new job is for the birds. I had the day to myself. I was doing fine. I was a bit slow due to my obsessive need to be accurate. I managed to get to the final stages of balancing the cash out when all hell broke loose. I could not balance the room down to my morning balance. I checked everything. I talked to the primary office person and she could not figure it out. She told me that she would look at it when she got in the next morning.
On top of not balancing, I set the safe alarm off. I'm like, just let the police take me away cuz I'm so damn aggravated. I did a final balance and I came up short. I was 1k over to start with. Then I was 3.5k over. I'm like, f**k it. The third balance was gonna stick cuz I wanted out of that box of an office pronto!
I just feel like I'm being ignored. I know I am secondary or back up person, it should not matter. I should be included in things that affect the office. The only time I saw the store manager was when I set the alarm off. I just have this overwhelming sense that I am not wanted or needed. I know that the office does not need two people.
I have been managing my anxiety and depression better than the past month. I wanted to cry today.
It has been chaos since day one of our grand opening. The registers have been off. I mean, AP wasn't there like they have been. I feels as if I have no value and no meaning. The motions are happening, there is no feeling or joy in it anymore. I had a glimmer of hope there for a moment and it was dashed all to hell. Cashiers aren't doing well with the government checks like they are supposed to. We are short handed.
I rather be out on the sales floor than in the office! I can't survive off less than my pay and hours now. If they get cut, I'm sailing on out the door! I should have listened to my instincts and said hell no. It's experience, not in any way the way I wanted things to go.
I would rather get my head bit off by management at the store I was at than to be miserable all the time at this new store. At least I bit back. I never got written up about it either. The hiring freeze better hurry up and end cuz this shit is gonna stop.
I'm feeling very discouraged. No one is trying to pull me out of it. Not even a hello or positive words has come out of management's mouth from day one. I have confidence in myself that I can do the work. I need to know that management has confidence in me. Management has enough trust in me to offer the job to me. I know it will take some time to really truly earn their trust. Trust works both ways people. You got to give me reasons to have confidence in the job and management.
I failed today. I failed management, the primary office associate, and ultimately myself. I basically showed that I have no confidence to perform at my best. It is tremendously unacceptable. I have sunk to s low point today. It's a low point that makes my issues unmanageable. I have a day off tomorrow. I will try to pick myself off the floor and go to work on Thursday. I will be by myself again.
This new job is for the birds. I had the day to myself. I was doing fine. I was a bit slow due to my obsessive need to be accurate. I managed to get to the final stages of balancing the cash out when all hell broke loose. I could not balance the room down to my morning balance. I checked everything. I talked to the primary office person and she could not figure it out. She told me that she would look at it when she got in the next morning.
On top of not balancing, I set the safe alarm off. I'm like, just let the police take me away cuz I'm so damn aggravated. I did a final balance and I came up short. I was 1k over to start with. Then I was 3.5k over. I'm like, f**k it. The third balance was gonna stick cuz I wanted out of that box of an office pronto!
I just feel like I'm being ignored. I know I am secondary or back up person, it should not matter. I should be included in things that affect the office. The only time I saw the store manager was when I set the alarm off. I just have this overwhelming sense that I am not wanted or needed. I know that the office does not need two people.
I have been managing my anxiety and depression better than the past month. I wanted to cry today.
It has been chaos since day one of our grand opening. The registers have been off. I mean, AP wasn't there like they have been. I feels as if I have no value and no meaning. The motions are happening, there is no feeling or joy in it anymore. I had a glimmer of hope there for a moment and it was dashed all to hell. Cashiers aren't doing well with the government checks like they are supposed to. We are short handed.
I rather be out on the sales floor than in the office! I can't survive off less than my pay and hours now. If they get cut, I'm sailing on out the door! I should have listened to my instincts and said hell no. It's experience, not in any way the way I wanted things to go.
I would rather get my head bit off by management at the store I was at than to be miserable all the time at this new store. At least I bit back. I never got written up about it either. The hiring freeze better hurry up and end cuz this shit is gonna stop.
I'm feeling very discouraged. No one is trying to pull me out of it. Not even a hello or positive words has come out of management's mouth from day one. I have confidence in myself that I can do the work. I need to know that management has confidence in me. Management has enough trust in me to offer the job to me. I know it will take some time to really truly earn their trust. Trust works both ways people. You got to give me reasons to have confidence in the job and management.
I failed today. I failed management, the primary office associate, and ultimately myself. I basically showed that I have no confidence to perform at my best. It is tremendously unacceptable. I have sunk to s low point today. It's a low point that makes my issues unmanageable. I have a day off tomorrow. I will try to pick myself off the floor and go to work on Thursday. I will be by myself again.
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