Familial Sorrow

My sorrow used to define me. It still does with no utter blame to lay at one's dirty feet. It has taken me a while to think about the sorrow and put into words. Sometimes it can be the hardest thing to do.

I visited my grandmother's grave on a trip to Georgia in November. My mother and I had other plans, we made time to lay flowers for her honor. The darkness of morning still loomed before dawn. This was the first time I had visited since, well, I do not remember. There was a more decernable death amongst the soil that I had not encountered before. As much as I refuse to understand, death is nothing but the rare certainty of human life. All else fails to make certain, death is always there patiently waiting. I always held a strong belief that it is a bad omen to step onto someone's final resting area. I will always heed that belief out of respect and humility.

My sorrow does not end there.

I visited my father and his new wife, K. I felt no connection with my father now as I had always never felt growing up. My father and his wife live in my great grandmother's house. He has renovated it. The house held a lot of memories. My great grandmother is my father's grand mother. Even after my grandparents divorce, my great grand mother always considered my grandmother a part of the family. The house has been forever changed and the sorrow just keeps flowing. I say words that do not hold any sacred meaning. My father has grandchildren, not by me! His wife's daughter has three. I do not know her at all. I don't know the wife either.

Keep it rolling. . . .

My grandfather used to have me as his beneficiary. I no longer hold that position. He is still my grandfather no matter how many emotional implosions occur. I only know this out of his blatantly telling me this. I did not ask, I will not give him ammunition for ire. What will my father do to that house? My grandmother lived there, my deceased uncle lived there, and I stayed there for a while. The house holds what memories I cannot.

I have memories that are locked in Pandora's Box. I do not wish to open; however, it does not have the strongest lock! One word aches my heart and flows the tears is abandonment. It seems as if this was the finality of the family - of my connections to the long departed. What irony this is, the finality of will and emotions. The last little string seems to have been cut. I do not consider genetics to be a part of this equation. There is no answer, not a logical one anyway. I do not know what is worse, knowing how much of a bastard my father was to utterly give my life permanent disfunction or not knowing a father. I essentially had both at different stages of my life.

My father is my father genetically. Sorrow is a powerful force that will not leave. It is like a heart or lung, a long requirement for a life that will not fully recover. I have tried to make a life worth living which I have been successful and I am grateful.

Sorrow is destitute, a life long journey into an abyss you know. I have hope that I may move forward with a different familial circle.

Lack of friendship on my part

My best friend invited me to her wedding on Halloween. I was three and a half hours late! I mixed up the times. I can't believe that I was that blind sided by my own stupidity by not checking the invitation for accurate times! My mom and I planned to dress up in costumes. We had our costumes on all day to make sure we weren't late. My friend anticipated our presence. We had been planning this for a month! My friend needed an RSVP for everyone so she could make arrangements for food and supplies! I cried in the car after we spent hours looking for her house to drop off her gifts as well as see her for a few moments. I got her phone number from her father and talked to her for a few minutes. I explained why I wasn't there as anticipated. She was cleaning up after the reception. I told her we'd meet up later and I would talk to her later.

A first wedding is so special and very important. When you are invited to a wedding, it is a privilege and an honor. I feel as if I had let her down by being a no-show. I did not want her to feel as if I drop-kicked her to the curb. I missed a special event in my best friend's life. That is something I won't have in my memory. This would be my first wedding attendance. I am still upset thinking about it, let alone posting it so the world would know how shitty I had been.

Life will go on. I hope that she can forgive me for being a hole of an ass!

Winter Wish

I hope Fall's brisk weather is a prelude to a white year end! This would be the most beautiful and surreal visions of the year.

Unemployed Desperation

http://www.bls.gov/web/laumstrk.htm

As an unemployed adult, life went downhill fast. I am on a roller coaster ride to hell in a stock car race. I face many financial obstacles, specifically related to health care. I have doctor's offices filing my accounts with collection agencies. The family bills pile up. All I can do it ignore until I can pay. Take a damn number!

I am fortunate to find two health clinics that have a sliding scale that fits my budget. Obama is trying to provide better health care for this country. I can completely go psycho babble on some of the wrongs with health care, but I will save that for another blog.

My lavish lifestyle (which was still considered meager by the wealthy) was within my low excitibility. Although I did have many high dollar wants, those were just passing fancies. We always strive for the things that seem unattainable! I still try to live up to some of that style to dire consequences. I just cannot afford it. I do plenty of window shopping as I look for jobs.

I am a person in their thirties who have two associates degrees and a third almost complete. I am one of hte many who has to go outside of their skills and comfort zone to find a job. Not to say there isn't anything WRONG in working at a fast food restaurant. I have always thought of those jobs exclusively for retirees, high school students, and those who never graduated high school. I am not talking about the older generations who know what true hard labor is. My grandparents age (sixties & seventies & up) had hard choices. Some of those choices meant drop out of school to make money. There is no excuse for the younger generations!

People are taking fast food jobs while leaving the high school students and retirees in their dust. It's the desperation of the economy. I heard it is getting better. Well, mr-assholes-who-say-that, it ain't gonna get better until we all go back to work! I have advice for the rich and wealthy: send me some of your money because you don't need it! If not me, set up a fund for the unemployed!

People are getting desperate. We are turning to crime and easy cash. We sell our heirlooms, assets, and anything that will give us a few extra dollars in our pockets. We take and pilfer from people and places. We vandalize as we go and don't think to cover it up. For those that do, well, let's say they got caught anyway - stupid!

I have thoughts of what I could sell to put some cash in the family pocket. I have turned to some government programs that could help me. Many times have I failed to find relief. I find that karma is a good way to get your ass kicked. The best way is the honest way and it will come when you need it the most, not when you want it.

As one of the many of the desperately unemployed, I will take any job even if it is a fast food joint. I will put away my pride and find a way to earn a paycheck, not the unemployment line. Now it is time to start filling out those applications!

Religion (part 1)

For many years of dark solitude, I have been discouraged by christianity. By my own ignorance and blatant stupidity. My mom and I have rejoined the christian community this year. On a very deep intellectual level, I want to understand the bible, I never read it. I slightly know Psalms 25. If I understand the bible, I am can make an arguement on my behalf. I am a dark entity even as I walk into church every Sunday morning. I never lost my faith in God. The church has been a disgrace and a dishonor to an honest faith of the people. This is where my disdain lies. Many elders and preachers and the like have corrupted young children within the corporate worship of church. Religion is a personal walk with Jesus Christ as an individual, not as a cult or fascist government.

My dark solitude seems to be part of the core of my personality. I feel as though I can balance the spectrum once I have a greater understanding of christianity. We will see as the months roll on regarding this issue.

Chosen Paths

There are many paths to choose in this physical life. My heart and soul are taking a new path as I have allowed this new freedom. The doors that have closed and those that have been ajar have lost an appeal. Maybe a break is due from these wretched sins! A sense of loneliness, despairity linger within. An angry little girl watching the world around her begging for her own happiness. Fear, rather irrational, cause quite thet concern amongst the whispering public. I seem to have failed at social emotionalism quite long ago. Social isolation has created frankenstein in lamb's clothing. I no longer seem to care nor act as if so when I am in public. Horror as it is has been quite disturbing to my soul. This bears me somewhat toward obscure paths for my dark nature. The paths that I am walking may lead to happiness. I presume, rather assume, that is will. History has shown that many new paths have not. Some of which were my fault, some others. May the journey take me to new places . . . peace be with you!

I think that this sums up a lot of shit in life.

Precious (the cat)

This is Precious. He is the oldest of the four cats. He picks on Buster too much. He purr talks. He will meow and purr at the same time! It is so adorable. He thinks he is the alpha cat in the house. Oh well, I let him think it! He is spoiled!

Buster (the cat)

This is Buster. He weighs about 20 pounds. He sheds a lot and has a lot of furballs! My grandmother wanted to keep him when we found him on our trip to Georgia. She named him. He has a cat attitude which I call a cattitude! He is such a diva.

Slipknot (the cat)

This is Slipknot. He is one of my cats. I named him after the metal band Slipknot. I still like the band. Not as much. But I still love my slippy. He has a foot fetish and shoe fetish! He steals all the toys in the house. He loves tuna and treats.

Who I am (c) 2008

I am an individual.
A distinction from the rest.
I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister.
I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart.
I live a quiet existence,
On the edge of living - alone and cold.
I watch, learn, experience, observe
Life as it changes seasons.
Life is the instructor, I am the student.
Rain falls into darkness - me.
Pushing forward through my tears
Of sorrow and joy - alone I am.
I walk through the rain for you
Always hoping to find my rainbow.
Something called life and living.
A journey I must take -
Alone with sorrow and pain.
I need to understand why I am here.
I am a lifelong learner - eternally.
No matter what the world weather may bring.
I live by my emotions and my heart.
This quiet existence, will anyone know or hear me?
Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?
I believe through my intelleigence.
The sets me from the rest,
My emotions make me human, alone.
Emotions -
I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate.
My horizons expand from dusk till dawn.
I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow.
The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am.
Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears.
To share and love what has become of me -
In the end, I will know a purpose -
My purpose - Who I am!

I wrote this for a college class in 2008. I shared it with a man I admire and wish to know. He appreciated my thoughts. It seems the people I think are so close to me in sorrow are the furtherest from me. We all tend to be alone.

Fathers

Along my journey through this existence, I discovered how much family means to me.

My father has abandoned me too many times over the years. I will still love him and respect him for being my father. I will not bow down to him. As a child, I watched him drink and use drugs just to live. He hurt my mom too much and stayed out too much. I remember as a child sitting on the porch steps waiting for him to come home. I was a child, I did not understand like I do now. I wish I knew then what I know now. I was not empowered as a child. I am as an adult. Most of my family have passed on. I feel cheated out of recognition from my father and his father (my grand father). I can no longer sit here and feel emotional toward this. Communication works for both parties, there is no reason for either of us not to check up on each other. I will not go into the details, but I feel alone in this world as an emotionally empowered person. Love and hate does hurt my soul.

In a world not created equal

The earth as it stands. . . . . .

Humans have not found a habitable planet in this new century. Yet, as I sit here writing this, we put ourselves on display for no one. Well, maybe ourselves. All the pictures you see of earth taken from space is beautiful to say the least. We are destroying our planet for a handful of egos.

We have taken on visual cues of the world despite having use of many senses . . . besides sight. Senses can be taken away at a moment's notice. Do most humans care? Hell no!

We have two sides to life.
There are many, here are a few samples for your reading!
Light <------> Darkness
Evil <-------> Good
Men <------> Women
Black <-----> White (magic)

Anyway, I am a big beautiful woman, that is the least I have been called other than a mean bitch. Hey, it is the world we live in, right? RIGHT! People ASSUME that I have problems because of my weight. I don't really other than laziness and other external stress. Have you no shame people? The world does not revolve around Hollywood, ok? I feel as if I am losing a battle of being a great person in an ignorant world.

I am not going to make this all about me. But I feel it is representing the many women out there trying to be unique women without having the "idealistic christian housewife" syndrome. I am not sexist, I have feelings to share.

The world goes around, I hope that when I am ashes, things can be a bit brighter for females. I will quit on the feminism now! HA!HA!