Religion (part 1)

For many years of dark solitude, I have been discouraged by christianity. By my own ignorance and blatant stupidity. My mom and I have rejoined the christian community this year. On a very deep intellectual level, I want to understand the bible, I never read it. I slightly know Psalms 25. If I understand the bible, I am can make an arguement on my behalf. I am a dark entity even as I walk into church every Sunday morning. I never lost my faith in God. The church has been a disgrace and a dishonor to an honest faith of the people. This is where my disdain lies. Many elders and preachers and the like have corrupted young children within the corporate worship of church. Religion is a personal walk with Jesus Christ as an individual, not as a cult or fascist government.

My dark solitude seems to be part of the core of my personality. I feel as though I can balance the spectrum once I have a greater understanding of christianity. We will see as the months roll on regarding this issue.

Chosen Paths

There are many paths to choose in this physical life. My heart and soul are taking a new path as I have allowed this new freedom. The doors that have closed and those that have been ajar have lost an appeal. Maybe a break is due from these wretched sins! A sense of loneliness, despairity linger within. An angry little girl watching the world around her begging for her own happiness. Fear, rather irrational, cause quite thet concern amongst the whispering public. I seem to have failed at social emotionalism quite long ago. Social isolation has created frankenstein in lamb's clothing. I no longer seem to care nor act as if so when I am in public. Horror as it is has been quite disturbing to my soul. This bears me somewhat toward obscure paths for my dark nature. The paths that I am walking may lead to happiness. I presume, rather assume, that is will. History has shown that many new paths have not. Some of which were my fault, some others. May the journey take me to new places . . . peace be with you!

I think that this sums up a lot of shit in life.

Precious (the cat)

This is Precious. He is the oldest of the four cats. He picks on Buster too much. He purr talks. He will meow and purr at the same time! It is so adorable. He thinks he is the alpha cat in the house. Oh well, I let him think it! He is spoiled!

Buster (the cat)

This is Buster. He weighs about 20 pounds. He sheds a lot and has a lot of furballs! My grandmother wanted to keep him when we found him on our trip to Georgia. She named him. He has a cat attitude which I call a cattitude! He is such a diva.

Slipknot (the cat)

This is Slipknot. He is one of my cats. I named him after the metal band Slipknot. I still like the band. Not as much. But I still love my slippy. He has a foot fetish and shoe fetish! He steals all the toys in the house. He loves tuna and treats.

Who I am (c) 2008

I am an individual.
A distinction from the rest.
I am a woman, a friend, a student, a sister.
I can be a lover, a mother, a wife, a heart.
I live a quiet existence,
On the edge of living - alone and cold.
I watch, learn, experience, observe
Life as it changes seasons.
Life is the instructor, I am the student.
Rain falls into darkness - me.
Pushing forward through my tears
Of sorrow and joy - alone I am.
I walk through the rain for you
Always hoping to find my rainbow.
Something called life and living.
A journey I must take -
Alone with sorrow and pain.
I need to understand why I am here.
I am a lifelong learner - eternally.
No matter what the world weather may bring.
I live by my emotions and my heart.
This quiet existence, will anyone know or hear me?
Will anyone love me? Hold me? Touch me?
I believe through my intelleigence.
The sets me from the rest,
My emotions make me human, alone.
Emotions -
I feel, I abandon, I cherish, I hate.
My horizons expand from dusk till dawn.
I listen, I learn, I mature, I grow.
The more enlightened I am, the lonelier I am.
Through the rain, I pray my rainbow appears.
To share and love what has become of me -
In the end, I will know a purpose -
My purpose - Who I am!

I wrote this for a college class in 2008. I shared it with a man I admire and wish to know. He appreciated my thoughts. It seems the people I think are so close to me in sorrow are the furtherest from me. We all tend to be alone.