State of medicine (the toll on the person and family)

 As I sit here in contemplation, I have to address a particular field. Medicine. 

Mom almost died in 2009.She went to see two different doctors in the same medical practice complaining of flu like symptoms. I made her go to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with diabetes. She was unconscious for three days. The ICU doctor said if I had waited any longer she would have lapsed into a coma and died. I got her to the hospital just in time. Her blood sugar was 1714. 

Right now she is in pain with her knees. Bone on bone. It is hard for her to walk. She has dealt with the pain for years. She is scared to death that she will end up being confined to a wheel chair. She is frightened that she will not be able to have the surgery.

She almost had surgery last week. Her pre-op doc wanted her to see a cardiologist. I agree mom needs to be safe going in for surgery so she will be safe coming out. The timing of all this really sucked. The pre op appt was the week before surgery. The surgery had to be put off until the cardiologist signs off on her having the surgery.

Mom and I went to the stress test appt at the hospital. Mom did the echo cardiogram. Mom had a virtual visit with the cardiologist who stated that he did not have the results for the echo cardiogram yet. Another virtual visit is scheduled for Friday. Maybe he will have the results by then.

Mom called the hospital imaging center. They gave her the run around. I am so sick and tired of of the run around from one doctor office to the next. I call bullshit. No straight answers. There has got to be more centralized or compartmentalized care for people who have to see more than one specialist. It is outrageous that we have all this "well, you need to call . . . " attitude. 

It is stressful to take care of a family member who is ill in some way. It scares me to see my mom fall apart. She is frightened that she will not have the surgery on her knees. She is frightened that she will end up in a wheel chair having to be pushed around. She may give up if she is bound to a wheel chair. She barely has any quality of life right now.

I try to compartmentalize it. I am a realist. I can swing to pessimism or optimism given the situation. I use selfishness to mask my emotions. I become afraid that I will turn off my emotions completely. I do not want to turn my back on my humanity, my soul because the emotions are too intense. I know we all must face these challenges. We do not have a strong support system. Every day is a struggle. Every day we are reminded of them. It is s struggle to stay positive. 

I do not want to lose my mom. I lost my grandmother in 2004. She was my other parent. I took care of her when her health took a bad turn. She had a proliferated ulcer and went to the hospital on a Wednesday. She passed away that following Saturday morning. She was on a ventilator. Mom and I had to make the decision to take her off. Worst moment. 

It is the worst feeling to see mom so frightened and scared. I can't do anything. I can't fix her knees. She is very stubborn. She does not listen to me much. She does regret some things that she should have listened to me on. I do not want her to give up. Her mother gave up. I was four when she died. She quit taking her diabetes medication. She had an infection in her foot. She lapsed into a coma and later passed away.

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA.

It is done and gone. We have to be present and face today. I know mom will get the surgery. It was already scheduled. I ask God to help her have the gift of having knees, to walk again. Her pain to be limited so she can have a better quality of life. 

Hope is eternal. God willing we wake up tomorrow to a new day.. 

Unique disposition & Empowerment of expresssion

 I have realized that I am in a unique disposition in life. A place I have never thought I would be in. A strong woman and outspoken. I require a strong man to be by my side.

The guy I consider one of my best friends is a teenager in an adult body. The guy has a heart of gold. He always has sex on the brain. I am not interested in him like that. There are physical reasons why, I am respectfully NOT mentioning flaws because I have plenty. It is all perception. Beauty. Ugly. Flaws. We can go on and on. Stop on it now. He is not qualified for what I need in my life. I will not kick him to the curb. It is one thing for people to drift apart, another to step people to the curb for petty trite bull shit. 

I do tend to have a personal love / hate crush on my tech, Steve. I do not mind stating it here. I feel comfortable saying it. I had a crush on my other tech, Tim. I can not quite put my finger on what made me have a crush on Steve. I figure it may be a sense of him as a rebel or bad ass. I do not know much about him personally. I want to. Whatever place either of are in, we still can talk.

I am in this unique place of self expression. I feel confident in speaking my mind. Professionally. Personally. I am empathic. I feel what others are feeling. I can turn it off or dial it down sometimes if I am around people that I have no connection to.

I feel empowered to be able to visually express words. It is the written word that I am best at when it comes to being personal. I am skimming on the surface many times. I journal those deep emotions and thoughts. I am empowered to express my thoughts. I want to empower myself for oration. I do not want to be an orator. I do not do public speaking. Someday give an oration. 

It is about empowerment of my personal expression. To express my thoughts respectfully and thoughtfully to others without hesitation. I can be coy as needed. I will no longer be the sweet little girl. The nice coy girl who just does. Not the good little soldier. If you can not take criticism, then get off my bus.

To Steve, "Thinking of you" by Christian Kane 

Therapeutic Dose (Journaling)

As a youngster, I always used writing as a way to express myself. I believe that no one wants to hear me. As a strong woman and a malevolent child, I've always wanted to be heard.

No one wants to hear about being on the right path or doing the right thing. As I type this blog, feelings of silence are deafening. Words fall on deaf ears. 

It is all about the politics. We live in a "me me me" society. The bottom line is how can a person or a thing benefit me and my agenda. This is so true where I work. It is all about the perception of righteousness indignation and a personal agenda.

One strength I have is the spoken word. I speak louder with the written word than any oration I can give. My written word is my spoken word. I use the written word to be heard even if it is just my own private words. 

Journaling is very therapeutic. As I write the words on paper, the obsessive thoughts leave my mind. Some thoughts linger only to be a reminder of more thoughts that need to be said. Writing is very cathartic. I could write pages and pages if my hand did not hurt. 

Journaling is expressive, creative, and an emotional release. I have an idea for an open letter to management that I'd like to post one day. I will definitely write up thoughts and tighten it up a bit.

The ideas are already swirling in my head. I recommend keeping a journal. It does not have to be fancy. It can be a notebook that students use for class.