Giving up

So many dark clouds hang over me right now. I have become unmanageable.

I reach out and no one understands. My thought processes go unnoticed. I write in literary terms, not too make everything too damn clear. Maybe I speak to the wrong people. People are too comfortable in believing I will always be okay.

Here is the thought for the day: I am NOT okay. Miserable. Anxious. Edgy.

I had a speech to give in my speech class. I was fine and okay until the moment I got up to talk. I lost it. I did not speak clearly. I fumbled on my power point presentation. I knew the material inside and out. I cannot speak in public. I was the last one to go. I had a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. I did everything I could not to lose what control I had left. I do not do well in public. I am a “behind-the-scenes” person.   

I have been able to manage my depression, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder for a long time. It is boiling over now. I generally know when my periods are close because I feel the PMS cramps a week before. It is only relevant to my misery. All of it is worse the week before and the week of my period. I believe it is PMDD. I step beyond just having PMS like normal women.

I have been crying so much. On the other hand, I feel that I just don’t fucking care. I say the F-word a lot. I say ‘whatever’ a lot. I have anxious feelings where ever I go. I do not want to go anywhere. I sleep too much. I crave ice cream and coffee. I really do not care if we sell the house. I do not care if the house gets cleaned.

I feel that I have scared some people off. Thomas doesn’t talk to me anymore. All I want is a friend who checks in every now and again. I miss Ms. Barbara. She knows how I feel. I took a chance when I was offered opportunities. Everything is so different now. I want it back. I want my friends back! I think Thomas knows I’m broken. I feel like I’m the person on the other side of the tracks that no one wants to talk to.

People tend to be afraid of people like me. I am not violent. I know I’m a good person. People are homeless. Children are homeless. Animals roam the streets. Children, animals, and people are being abused every day. It breaks my heart.

All through time with my demons in tow, I still have managed to be kind hearted, reaching out to people, and trying to make sure that I stay in touch with people that I care about. Some of it seems to go unnoticed. Oh well. I need to be more of a selfish bitch.

I have to do something to get better. I have a few options to get there. I have to be strong enough to get through these dark clouds.

Childless mother

According to Google . . . . . .

Fate is the development of events beyond a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power. Destiny is the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future. So, it seems fate has more control than destiny.

 

I am almost 40 years old. I’ve been an introvert most of my life. I’ve never been on a formal date with a guy. I am single with no children. My maternal need for children is strong. I have realized that certain things will not happen to me. Things such as marriage and children. My heart hurts and breaks at this. I have been trying to find some resolve to this fact. It is not working. I’ve been looking at men in a different perspective lately. This drive is very saddening for me. It scares me so much that I will lose the opportunity.

 

My life has had so many detours. Some have been my own doing. Others have not been. I’ve come a long way since I was a teenager.

 

I am not a whore nor am I promiscuous in any way. I don’t believe in having sex with a stranger just to create a child. I am a bit more old-fashioned than I ever imagined myself to be. I want to be in love with a guy and have a family. It is a hard task that will never leave my bucket list.

 

The sorrow is very overwhelming. The drive is just as overwhelming.

 

I want to feel what it is like to be pregnant. To hold my child after birth knowing I have such a precious gift. My heart says that I will be a great mother.

 

I am not sure if I want to work in the education field because of this strong desire. I will never take a child away from his mother unless the child is in immediate danger.

 

It just hurts.