The world seems to be after me. No paranoia here, just a heavy heart. All of my years to try to be a unique eccentric individual is being faltered by some one close to me. I feel as if my spirit is being broken. I barely know who I am at times and this person just keeps it coming. My spirit is beginning to lose faith in humanity. Feelings of regret, anger, hostility, and sorrow abound me to my own private hell. Granted, a few points being taken have some truths.
I have almost given up on being the person I think I am and becoming a drone in the army of trends and fads. I have never realized how my dark sorrow has made misery company all these years, much less how it affected others. As I have risen to a close freedom from the abyss, others are floating downward. This change in their behavior encourages those negative, dark feelings. I understand how hard it is to thwart those feelings from within. Seeing it in others has rekindled the same abyss in me.
At times, I feel like I am falling downward to hell instead of floating upward to freedom. I try not to let my emotions trump my inner thoughts and my rational, well thought out verbal thoughts. It has not been playing out as well as I had hoped. I am losing this game again, just when I thought I was becoming a free spirit - free from the chains of my own dark abyss.
It seems the one person I allow to play the "devil's advocate" to my personality has become one of "those" people I have avoided. The people that look down on my type as if they are above me. I've always understood that I am amongst so many people in "the middle" - someone always better or worse than me.
I am at the breeaking point of giving up my own eccentricities of life. I do not know what price I will have to pay now or down the road for the loss of my soul. The old cliche "people just don't understand" is way too conservative of any description of society . . and its games.
My heart/spirit are moments from being broken. I pray that I can survive the transformation and find some civility to be worthy of. I want to have freedom on my own terms; obviously, it won't happen.
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