Holiday madness!

The holidays have gotten quite bizarre over the last few decades. I'd say the last twenty years at least! One radio station is playing Christmas music already! Thanksgiving is not quite here even! Wow! I see Christmas decorations out, music playing, and the looney tunes have come out. Any other time of year, it is a safe place to live. As the holidays approach, people seem to go off their crazy pills and go completely bizarre! It is a constant fight to get anywhere!

I do not shop for anyone anymore. I send my holiday cards out and my merry wishes for a great new year! There are no children in the house to shop for. All I want to do is get my necessary shopping done. I do not want any extras, no fights, and definitely not a night in jail because a looney tune decided to get hostile! This is what the holidays have come to: COMMERCIALISM! It is all about the buying, not the pure joy of the season.

I am old enough to remember the days when stores weren't open on Sundays. We ate at home most of the time. There may have been a few home town restaraunts open to get a low-cost Sunday dinner. We went to church on Sundays. You can shop at Wal-Mart 24 hours a day any day of the week. There are extended hours everywhere, black fridays after Thanksgiving, and high gas prices which are ridiculous!

I am so tired of dealing with all the bizarre craziness of the holiday season! I have wondered if there is a place that this madness did not exist. If there is, please let me know. I'd love to spend my holidays there instead of this bizarre world that is called "the holidays" - is it just me?

I am truly wishing upon a star that I can survive the madness.

Down in a Funk (FEAR)

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I am close to starting a new semester at a new four-year university. Yet, I am saddened. It seemed to have hit me over the last couple of days which it typical for me sometimes.
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My mother just started a new job. She has arthritis in her left leg. She needs surgery for a torn meniscus which is not going to happen due to limited financial means. She is able to work even with a limited use of her knee.
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I have had a lot of anxiety over my oldest cat. It came out of the blue. He started meowing when we got home yesterday evening. There was a stray cat outside which I think our cat knew of! Cats can sense and smell other cats around.
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I am overwhelmed with a sudden sadness that may stem from my ongoing depression. Life is too damn hard sometimes. I just want to crawl into bed and wait till life gets better. I know it is unreasonable to think like that. I feel like crying, everything points to being in a depressed mood.
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I am not talking about some fly-by-night blues that is common among happy people. I never used to like bubbly people - those who are always joyful and have some kinda drug-high that makes you want to vomit.
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I have always been the one who walked alone, never really social. I was the one who was on the edge between happiness and sadness. High School was more of a mundane experience, I am smart, I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. I used to have it, now it has flown away! I am in a total creative block from my former self.
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I fear the risk of loving another because I do not want them to go away. My anxiety is a real concern in this area because I want to have friends and find true happiness. I fear losing my unique style and creative personality. As I get older, I get more anxious! I do not want to be alone and unhappy. I want to travel, and do a lot of things.
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Right now, I am in a funk. I feel a bit of claustrophobia because I can't seem to get my life back on track. Oh well, I just have to let this ride out and go with the flow.

Illegals in America!

Either you are here legally or you're not! I am referring to all those people who came into this country without proper and legal documents!

Arizona created an illegal alien law. I appraise Arizona. It should have happened a long time ago! Other states need to follow suit in that action plan.

The illegal aliens are taking our jobs! They have babies in here just to be considered "American"! We don't want your poor or your hungry anymore!!! We have many honest Americans here that need work. Businesses are not helping by hiring illegals for work.

What are people supposed to do when illegals come here to have babies and steal our jobs? People need to come here legally or not at all! It is black and white! Simply stated!

Send all illegals back home with their children! Americans need jobs without the illegals slowing things down. It should not matter if their children were born here. They are here illegally, so are their children!

I put forth a movement for all honest Americans (legal Americans) to take our country back!

Blood Donations

This weekend, I tried to donate blood. Due to April's rabid fox attack and the rabies shots, I have to wait a year from the date of my last shot to donate.

Blood donations are critically low in the summer. I donate blood to help people in need. I do not expect anything but a good feeling afterwards. It is important to me to donate. I just wish things would have gone a bit differently.

I wish upon a Rainbow!

I wish upon this rainbow . . . . . . .

To add more joy to my life. Allow all my negative emotins to slip away in time and space, never to return again! To find hope, a place free of pain and sorrow within my heart and soul!

I wish good karma to others, happiness and good health, to love, to risk, to reap the rewards and consequences of life that awaits us!

I wish upon this beautiful site, beauty that is too close but so far away. I am in awe of what this good luck charm may bring. My wish to others for their needs be fulfilled, wishes be granted.

Sunsets

Sunsets are beautiful and wonderous! We have to stop and admire the beauty in nature. The world was not created for this much industrialization! We are losing out in the end. What if there were no sun?

Ocean: Pure Beauty and Joy!

I was at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina this past weekend. It is the time of year where people flock to the beach. I walked along the sand and water. I tuned out the noise of the crowd. I scavenged for seashells as a momento to this moment. All I could hear was the sound of the ocean waves. My mind blocked out the blistering noise of humanity only to hear the pure neauty of the ocean. The sound of waves and the wind blowing was pure joy to my heart and soul, as well as my ears! I knew I could not stay long, feeling the sorrow of abandonment in my heart. I felt the tears flow from my eyes as the distance become farther and farther. All my negative emotions drifted away as the waves engulfed my feet. I can not find the words to express how much freedom this moment gave me. I had no negative emotions: worry, frustration, fear, sorrow, abandonment, and depression. I felt a sigh of relief, freedom. The world can rear its ugly head from time to time. The beauty lies within the fleeting moments of freedom and respect. Just exactly how I felt in those few minutes I was at the beach.

I can only hope that I have more moments of peace and freedom to with hold!

When animals attack

..................... This animal attacked me last night...................
It is a gray fox. This animal killed one of the stray cats that I feed. I heard what I thought was a cat fight under the house. Nothing unusual as it were around the house. I went outside and got on to the "cats" about it. The hissing stopped. That is around the time mom got home, 7:30 pm. Mom kept hearing noises under the house. I grabbed the flashlight promising I would not go under the house. I stood at each door under the house and looked. When I go to the third door, I saw what looked like a dog at first. I remembered that I had seen this animal before: it was the elusive fox! I had seen this animal or one like it a few times in the fourteen years I have lived at the house.

I heard a noise that made me think the fox had escaped out of the broken bricks in front of the house. I went around to the front corner thinking about moving the bricks back to cover the hole in the mortar. I did not want it back in. Before I could get my bearings, the fox lunged from the bricks attacking me! I started screaming, my heart was racing, and I kept trying to pull it off me. Luckily, this is a small animal with a small mouth. The fox drew blood from my left foot. I have a few scratches.

My mom came outside which scared the fox back under the house. I told mom what happened. The fox came back out, I pointed to mom that the fox was what attacked me. I had told her I saw a fox a time or two before. The fox ran into the wooded area next to the house. We both heard it make noises. As of today, I am not sure if the fox is back under the house.

Mom took me to the emergency room. I was eager to go out of fear that the fox was rabid. I was treated for the bit wound on my foot. The doctor injected my foot with a rabies shot around the wounds. It hurt like hell! I received six more shots in the ass, one in my left arm, and one in my right arm. I received a total of eight shots for rabies and one tetanus shot for good measure. Nine shots total along with about five weeks of treatment. Treatment means I get more shots! The doctor called animal control last night which mom spoke to them. I spoke to animal control this morning. I was told animal control does not capture wild animals. Department of Environmental Control (DHEC) has to be called.

I have respect for nature. Nature can be beautiful as well as brutal. As a human, I cannot begin to find a true logical reason for why the animal attacked me. Sometimes nature's instincts cannot be explained in a logical manner. I have tried to be logical which has been unsuccessful as of yet.

I did not wish to kill the animal as my heart would not allow such a hinderance. All I wanted to do was to get the animal off and away from me. I do have some residual fear of the fox coming after me again. It is fairly certain that my reaction is normal, albeit a bit unusual.

Most people would be certain of them selves that they would kill it when it attacked or hunt it down to kill it. I do not believe in hunting because it has become a mindless sport. People hunt because they want to, not of necessity. Many tribes, past and present, have hunted for survival. These tribes have killed to feed their family and to use as much of the animal remnants as possible. In today's time, hunters kill and use very little leaving the remnants to rot or eaten by scavengers. This is not helpful to scavenging animals because they will become tame, unable to hunt for themselves. Hunting is a mindless sport that does nothing overall but feed on human instincts to kill.

I know I went into a rant, I felt it necessary. I have an unpleasant experience to gain knowledge from. I hope that others will respect nature and the boundaries between nature and humans.

Broken heart, broken spirit

The world seems to be after me. No paranoia here, just a heavy heart. All of my years to try to be a unique eccentric individual is being faltered by some one close to me. I feel as if my spirit is being broken. I barely know who I am at times and this person just keeps it coming. My spirit is beginning to lose faith in humanity. Feelings of regret, anger, hostility, and sorrow abound me to my own private hell. Granted, a few points being taken have some truths.

I have almost given up on being the person I think I am and becoming a drone in the army of trends and fads. I have never realized how my dark sorrow has made misery company all these years, much less how it affected others. As I have risen to a close freedom from the abyss, others are floating downward. This change in their behavior encourages those negative, dark feelings. I understand how hard it is to thwart those feelings from within. Seeing it in others has rekindled the same abyss in me.

At times, I feel like I am falling downward to hell instead of floating upward to freedom. I try not to let my emotions trump my inner thoughts and my rational, well thought out verbal thoughts. It has not been playing out as well as I had hoped. I am losing this game again, just when I thought I was becoming a free spirit - free from the chains of my own dark abyss.

It seems the one person I allow to play the "devil's advocate" to my personality has become one of "those" people I have avoided. The people that look down on my type as if they are above me. I've always understood that I am amongst so many people in "the middle" - someone always better or worse than me.

I am at the breeaking point of giving up my own eccentricities of life. I do not know what price I will have to pay now or down the road for the loss of my soul. The old cliche "people just don't understand" is way too conservative of any description of society . . and its games.

My heart/spirit are moments from being broken. I pray that I can survive the transformation and find some civility to be worthy of. I want to have freedom on my own terms; obviously, it won't happen.

Yellow Hair

It takes much courage to post a picture of me in a public forum. I am extremely conscious about myself, always have been. I do not view myself in ways many people might - more of a positive manner. I have let myself go over the years because of isolation and falling into despair I cannot even begin to describe right now. I wish I looked more beautiful, moreso like others. Alas, it is not meant to be. I can look back on this within the next few months and see a progression of change. A healthier me so to speak. I am still the same person within, the outer layers have become unhealthy much to my dismay. My inner emotions have damaged my outer layer. I just hope that I can stay the course and be a better person physically while being true to my inner core.

Alone in Solace

Why does it seem so desolate. . . .
A world full of people,
Yet I stand still . . alone
People pass me in forward motion
Too fast, I am not moving at all
My soul hurts in pain,
Yearning for comfort, companionship
Watching the world find happiness
Whilst I stand, unable to move in fear
Drowning in sorrow of my own,
Despair no words can express or deny
Loneliness in a world overcrowded by people
People just do not understand my sadness
An abyss on a verge of explosion
Only I can understand the way I feel
Alone in a desolate state of being
Poor outlook coming from within
Each step can be easy or hard,
Depending on the way I am able to gravitate
Each step to old age and loneliness abreast

Beautiful Snow

The snow was gorgeous. If it were not cold, I would have stood out in it. I love the magnitude of nature's beauty when it is unexpected and pure. Snow is an infrequent guest in the south. I love it when I see some!

Animals in the snow

There are several cats and several racoons that come to eat on a nightly basis. We had snow several nights ago and only a few of the animals came out to eat.









This is the racoon that was brave enough to forage for food. There are usually between two and five racoons eating. I guess only one was brave enough to get some!

This is one of the stray cats that get fed on the deck on a nightly basis.

Almost Famous

Well, what can I say that would make this any less funny than it already is ?!?!?! Ah, nothing.

I wrote in to the Dr. Oz show (http://www.doctoroz.com) with the thought that maybe my mother and I could be on the show. We both have health problems. Dr. Oz was doing quite a few shows on various topics. We were one of the finalists, but, nay we did not win over the producers. I was not aiming towards that anyway. This is one of the more respectable shows on the telly.

Needless to say, if you have ever been an american couch potato, you probably have seen the Jerry Springer Show or the Maury Show at some point. I am not talking about baby mamas or DNA drama. Just old-fashioned medical information show. I still respect Dr Oz and his team of experts. There are no bitch fights or gay drama or faux pax weddings.

Maybe one day my karma and fate will align and I will have a respect outside of my own wee dark world!

Lone Wolf

As long as I have been on this earth, I still manage to feel fucked and overwhelmed. I have been having a lot of strange dreams lately, mostly of my family. I am full of fear and dread, I gain weight without trying, and I walk alone in a world full of people. I am abandoned, alone in the world. . . . .waiting. On what, I do not know really. Although I could point out so many things, but yet they are so trivial and meaningless! I wish it would snow here, at least for a little while.

The cold snags my soul without mercy in this cold weather. Next month, on the 28th, marks my grandmother's passing during the only true snow storm we had here. She will have been gone six long years as the days pass without memory. Everything fades into one another, sinking into the abyss. I line that I remember fondly - there are things that go bump in the night, we are the ones that bump back. I think I pretty much paraphrased it. I think some people sink into the dark abyss below, while otherd walk in the shadows away from the sun.

AS long as I am alive, I will walk in the shadows alone with strength, yet fear. One day, maybe another lone wolf or several, will be there walking with me.