Times change the heart to blackened sac

My life has come to a point where darkness and light have blurred. 

Everything is grey. Colors are bleeding across the painting of my life.   

I have lived in one place for 28 years. It has had its joys and its sorrows. Many highs and lows. Many dreams have flown away with the light of day into the night. 

My life has not been easy. I was not handed things in life. Not a rich spoiled brat. Maybe a spoiled brat at some points in my life. At certain achievements such as graduation or milestones. A single mother and a grandmother who stayed with me even with a hellion teenager. 

Once graduated from required schooling, I stayed behind as my oddly normal classmates went out into the world on a grand tour of the in betweens. Being a young adult coming into a working adult as it once were. I made a commitment to my grandmother as she did me. I aided in her care until her passing. I stayed with mom and now I aid in her care as a singular adult, no one else to help care for her as there was once was for my grandmother. 

Now the moment has arrived where my life is no longer my own as it would seem. The house we once were happy in no longer exists. What now stands in its place is that of despair and sorrow. No more fake smiles to get by. No more arguments that become forgotten moments later. The negative energy follows us to our temporary roof over our heads. The insults linger of bad odors and stink of trash. 

The leftovers of hurt feelings and anguish follow us to what pays the bills.  Minds no longer cover up or dispose of the anxieties of facing each other once again after the day is over. The heart attacks of anxiety overwhelm the rational logic. It is not going to get better. Are we at the worst part before it gets better? I cannot tell of late what this is. 

Why must she continue speaking of personal death as if it were a doctor's appointment? Is this the true nature of the family line? The willingness to give it up and just not care anymore?! Why is it such importance of what you think you will leave behind? I have urged to have things changed so it would not be of importance. My requests have been muted. So many times you ignore what I say. So many times you do not want to hear why I am in anguish. Refusal to speak none of this truth for fear of dire consequences. What would people think of you if they could only hear the truth behind your smile? 

My own self is not of my own anymore. I require space for personal maintenance of self. To replenish my own serenity and peace and patience. I am so wound up tight with anxiety. I fear my own panic once again. I despise who I am now. The phantom of the opera. A scrooge. A common thief with no ease of pain. My panic disorder is not eased by external or internal methods anymore. Anxiety does not ease up. 

I have worked so hard to find some peace inside myself to become a better person. To respect. To love. Disavow hate and isolation. 

The house has fallen into disrepair. There is no hope and no savior for what once called a home. It is a dilapidated house. What was once was love is now hate. A family once is now a solitary soul in desperate need of healing. 

Emotions so intense and desperate. What emotions are behind the madness that has taken over me? Difficult times have not eluded me. They have helped define my resilience. My resilience is fading. The smiley face is no longer clear. It is a blurry face.  My heart wants to cry deeply, the fear of vulnerability will not allow such exposure. Will I break down and cry when she picks me up?

All the years I have given over to caring for family. I have nothing to show. I feel like a nomad. My heart cries out for what would be a normal family. I have no place to go. No way to run away to a safe place. What have I really given up? What would I have become? Who would I have been if things were different? I have no one to hand my heart over to as I vomit it up with sorrow. 

What would happen if I left her? Would she really die? Her mother gave up. Just quit taking her medication. She didn't take care of herself. She lapsed into a coma to her death. It was devastating. Depression. I try to tell myself all the negative statements and behavior is because of it. It is just too overwhelming for my heart. I have no one left to take care of my soul. 

That may be the saddest part of all. Everything ends with me. 

Why should I care about having anything. All of it will end up at a thrifty store. What a sham.

State of medicine (the toll on the person and family)

 As I sit here in contemplation, I have to address a particular field. Medicine. 

Mom almost died in 2009.She went to see two different doctors in the same medical practice complaining of flu like symptoms. I made her go to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with diabetes. She was unconscious for three days. The ICU doctor said if I had waited any longer she would have lapsed into a coma and died. I got her to the hospital just in time. Her blood sugar was 1714. 

Right now she is in pain with her knees. Bone on bone. It is hard for her to walk. She has dealt with the pain for years. She is scared to death that she will end up being confined to a wheel chair. She is frightened that she will not be able to have the surgery.

She almost had surgery last week. Her pre-op doc wanted her to see a cardiologist. I agree mom needs to be safe going in for surgery so she will be safe coming out. The timing of all this really sucked. The pre op appt was the week before surgery. The surgery had to be put off until the cardiologist signs off on her having the surgery.

Mom and I went to the stress test appt at the hospital. Mom did the echo cardiogram. Mom had a virtual visit with the cardiologist who stated that he did not have the results for the echo cardiogram yet. Another virtual visit is scheduled for Friday. Maybe he will have the results by then.

Mom called the hospital imaging center. They gave her the run around. I am so sick and tired of of the run around from one doctor office to the next. I call bullshit. No straight answers. There has got to be more centralized or compartmentalized care for people who have to see more than one specialist. It is outrageous that we have all this "well, you need to call . . . " attitude. 

It is stressful to take care of a family member who is ill in some way. It scares me to see my mom fall apart. She is frightened that she will not have the surgery on her knees. She is frightened that she will end up in a wheel chair having to be pushed around. She may give up if she is bound to a wheel chair. She barely has any quality of life right now.

I try to compartmentalize it. I am a realist. I can swing to pessimism or optimism given the situation. I use selfishness to mask my emotions. I become afraid that I will turn off my emotions completely. I do not want to turn my back on my humanity, my soul because the emotions are too intense. I know we all must face these challenges. We do not have a strong support system. Every day is a struggle. Every day we are reminded of them. It is s struggle to stay positive. 

I do not want to lose my mom. I lost my grandmother in 2004. She was my other parent. I took care of her when her health took a bad turn. She had a proliferated ulcer and went to the hospital on a Wednesday. She passed away that following Saturday morning. She was on a ventilator. Mom and I had to make the decision to take her off. Worst moment. 

It is the worst feeling to see mom so frightened and scared. I can't do anything. I can't fix her knees. She is very stubborn. She does not listen to me much. She does regret some things that she should have listened to me on. I do not want her to give up. Her mother gave up. I was four when she died. She quit taking her diabetes medication. She had an infection in her foot. She lapsed into a coma and later passed away.

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA.

It is done and gone. We have to be present and face today. I know mom will get the surgery. It was already scheduled. I ask God to help her have the gift of having knees, to walk again. Her pain to be limited so she can have a better quality of life. 

Hope is eternal. God willing we wake up tomorrow to a new day.. 

Unique disposition & Empowerment of expresssion

 I have realized that I am in a unique disposition in life. A place I have never thought I would be in. A strong woman and outspoken. I require a strong man to be by my side.

The guy I consider one of my best friends is a teenager in an adult body. The guy has a heart of gold. He always has sex on the brain. I am not interested in him like that. There are physical reasons why, I am respectfully NOT mentioning flaws because I have plenty. It is all perception. Beauty. Ugly. Flaws. We can go on and on. Stop on it now. He is not qualified for what I need in my life. I will not kick him to the curb. It is one thing for people to drift apart, another to step people to the curb for petty trite bull shit. 

I do tend to have a personal love / hate crush on my tech, Steve. I do not mind stating it here. I feel comfortable saying it. I had a crush on my other tech, Tim. I can not quite put my finger on what made me have a crush on Steve. I figure it may be a sense of him as a rebel or bad ass. I do not know much about him personally. I want to. Whatever place either of are in, we still can talk.

I am in this unique place of self expression. I feel confident in speaking my mind. Professionally. Personally. I am empathic. I feel what others are feeling. I can turn it off or dial it down sometimes if I am around people that I have no connection to.

I feel empowered to be able to visually express words. It is the written word that I am best at when it comes to being personal. I am skimming on the surface many times. I journal those deep emotions and thoughts. I am empowered to express my thoughts. I want to empower myself for oration. I do not want to be an orator. I do not do public speaking. Someday give an oration. 

It is about empowerment of my personal expression. To express my thoughts respectfully and thoughtfully to others without hesitation. I can be coy as needed. I will no longer be the sweet little girl. The nice coy girl who just does. Not the good little soldier. If you can not take criticism, then get off my bus.

To Steve, "Thinking of you" by Christian Kane 

Therapeutic Dose (Journaling)

As a youngster, I always used writing as a way to express myself. I believe that no one wants to hear me. As a strong woman and a malevolent child, I've always wanted to be heard.

No one wants to hear about being on the right path or doing the right thing. As I type this blog, feelings of silence are deafening. Words fall on deaf ears. 

It is all about the politics. We live in a "me me me" society. The bottom line is how can a person or a thing benefit me and my agenda. This is so true where I work. It is all about the perception of righteousness indignation and a personal agenda.

One strength I have is the spoken word. I speak louder with the written word than any oration I can give. My written word is my spoken word. I use the written word to be heard even if it is just my own private words. 

Journaling is very therapeutic. As I write the words on paper, the obsessive thoughts leave my mind. Some thoughts linger only to be a reminder of more thoughts that need to be said. Writing is very cathartic. I could write pages and pages if my hand did not hurt. 

Journaling is expressive, creative, and an emotional release. I have an idea for an open letter to management that I'd like to post one day. I will definitely write up thoughts and tighten it up a bit.

The ideas are already swirling in my head. I recommend keeping a journal. It does not have to be fancy. It can be a notebook that students use for class. 

Strength of a woman

All I have to say is if you are afraid or worried about dealing with a strong women, step to the curb!

No one is gonna put me down. I am tired of not being the outspoken strong woman I am supposed to be. I can't just not be the quiet coy little girl that people have come to know.

I am tired of being harassed and not having the support from my supervisor and colleagues.

The fear is always with me when it comes to my Panic Disorder. I have suffered in silence for so long. I've had panic attacks and never told anyone. I suffered in silence and moved on. It is the stigma and fear that comes with my issues. I do not want to make it worse by talking about it.

I look at it this way, if you ain't gonna, I am gonna do it. My supervisor does not want to change things for the better of our community. For the greater strength of us united. We have to let those people who break the rules and break the law (we are in transportation industry), they have to go. It is not about his image alone. We made him, we can break him.

Apparently, a can of WHOOP ASS is in order here. I am tired of testifying against people because of someone NOT doing the right thing. 

Strength comes from within. Stay strong and keep a high ethical standard. This will keep you going thru the bullshit and the politics.

Employment Communication Breakdown

It has been very difficult to find a job. 

Technically I am still employed. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I am out of work. 

Schools are closed so there is no transportation. They do not need me.

Now, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

People communicate with me wanting to setup interviews. They make initial contact. After that, nothing. Dropped off the face of the earth! 

I'm like, really? What? I could not have done anything in the short period of time to scare someone off. That is some messed up shit. There. I said it. 

Please do not waste my time if you will not follow through with anything. 

So the drama continues, I am on point!

Why is it so hard to add a or change a phone number? 😈

I sent someone a text back in May to confirm that I completed a task that was required. That said person text back okay. Now, I find out thru a colleague that a test run was cancelled. This someone made a big ho ha about how a reminder text was sent out and blah blah blah. 

Like . . . . Ya shoulda coulda woulda just said that the thing was cancelled! D'oh. Too much drama llama mama!

This said person is in a supervisory lead role. This said person gets mad when we supposedly cause drama and do things that affect morale. Anything that can cause dissension.

You are part of the problem. All of your politics and facades have caused too much drama which was a problem to start with.

Let me set you straight and on point with this.  

The general vibe and energy in the department says . . . 

First, 

You do not care what goes on or you just do not pay attention.

Second, 

It is a "what he gonna do to me - NOTHING" vibe on in the department.  

Third, 

If someone gets caught, it usually a slap on the hand or swept under the rug. Only if it affects you. It is all about you. Walk that runway!

Case in point. I was told that your supervisor just happened to be in your office when you were watching footage of me. You HAD TO suspend me because he was aware. If he had not known, I would NOT have been suspended. All of it would have been swept under the rung (figuratively speaking).

Fourth, 

You do what suits you to keep up appearances.  

Fifth, 

I see you. You are here, but not here. You are physically here in our department. Your mind and spirit are somewhere else. If I see you, you have a phone attached to your ears. 

Final Thought,

I do not think you truly understand the perspective of your employees. You are around, not in true spirit of what you speak (verbally, emails, etc). You are so detached from us that your appearance is that you DO NOT GIVE A DAMN. 

All in all, you are not a bad person. I believe your management style needs improvement. You are not gonna catch people doing wrong if you do not think like them. If you are gonna catch a criminal, be like one (thought process).