Family passing

My grandfather passed away this morning. My father called me this afternoon to let me know. He stated that papa had a faraway look in his eyes. He was not in pain. I am glad that I saw him before he was gone. I cried when I my father told me he had passed. I know mom will be saddened to hear it. I am going to wait until later on to tell her. I mailed out father’s day cards yesterday hoping he will see his. I guess he will not see it. 

I always thought I would feel indifferent when he passed away. When I saw him this past weekend, it brought back a flood of emotions that I experienced when mama was at the end of her life. It was almost too difficult for me to keep a straight face. I had a difficult time keeping my emotions under wraps as I visited papa. 

Papa spoke Johnny’s name when mom and I were there with him at the nursing home. Mama did the same thing on numerous occasions before she went in the hospital.  I knew it was near the end of their lives when they spoke my uncle’s name aloud. They were ready to see him.

Post Script . . . Spirituality and Death

I Spent time with my grandfather today. I did post a bit of sentiment on Facebook:

It's a raw emotional moment. Just need to express in words. Heading back to South Carolina. I spent six hours with my grandfather. It could very well be the last time I see him. He has cancer in several of his organs and lymph nodes. He battled lung cancer years back. He was confused and very short of breath. I'm glad he knew who mom and I were. Families can become dysfunctional for whatever reasons. Mine was less than par. Still. I would not throw him away no matter how he might have acted. No matter how I felt about him. He is still family. I will stand up. I will give him dignity and peace. I will ask God to take him with my heart in tow. I will remember catching lightning bugs at my grandparent's house during the good times of my young childhood. I love him in all of my heart. Forgiveness. Sorrow. Blessed. He is 80. Blessed. No matter what life brings us. No matter what our family situation is, there is blessing in something. I may not see it now, I will in time. You will see it in your life. In my sorrow, I hope that you all see blessings in your life. They are there. God bless you. My family. My friends.

As mom and I drove back from Taccoa, I have a wave of emotion come over me. I wanted to move back to Lavonia. I’m not sure if I am holding on to the memories of my youth. The urge was fleeting as we got on the interstate to head back home. I remember seeing my parents, grandparents, and my uncle sitting around the table at my grandparents’ house when I was a child. I wanted to live in my grandfather’s house and have a garden in the back yard. I want to hold on to that part of my life that was positive and much freedom. It was before I had to struggle and survive. I am a strong woman because of my grandmother and mother. My childhood was not horrible. After my uncle died, the turmoil began. So deeply fast and furious.

I see a lot of spiritual growth in years past. I am still a work in progress. I still am finding my way in this chaotic world. I feel as though I am a puzzle piece that never fits. How can that be? How has God created such a person that pulls from everywhere and fit nowhere? It is such questions that may never be answered until I meet my maker. 

I see a lot of spiritual growth in years past. I am still a work in progress. I still am finding my way in this chaotic world. I feel as though I am a puzzle piece that never fits. How can that be? How has God created such a person that pulls from everywhere and fit nowhere? It is such questions that may never be answered until I meet my maker. 

I am a flower child. A hippie. I am not the drugs or sexuality that was prevalent during the 1960s and 1970s. I do not live the modern way of life. I do not want to. I want to feel nature and understand the spiritualities outside the normal modern world.

When one life ends, a new one begins.

Spirtuality and Death

I have learned that my grandfather on my father's side has cancer. It is late stage and ha spread to other organs. The doctor says he has six months if that long. He is not doing well right now. I had planned on going to see him, it did not turn out that way today.

I am not sure how I feel on this grave matter.  I feel sorrow for his suffering. He had become an asshole for most of my life. I do not wish to dump him in a grave and leave him. He deserves better than that at least. I would not do that to my father as well even when he became an asshole, too.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. I hated him for years for the way he treated my mother and I. My grandfather always acted like my father did nothing wrong. I have learned to forgive my father to resolve my inner turmoil. I needed to find inner peace, balance, and personal growth. I could never move on with my own spiritual life with all the turmoil within.

My father and grandfather broke that family bond with me a long time ago. It can never be restored. I will not kick neither of them into a shallow grave and leave them be. Karma is a nasty bitch. I would rather their soul be rested as their shell of a body lay in respect instead of being haunted by their unrestful souls.

I do not want to see him suffering. I nee to let him know I came to see him before he passes on. I hope his soul has not left yet. I watched mama suffer for a long time before she passed on. I knew in the end she was already gone.

My grandmother (on my father's side) and my mom raised me. Even before my parent's divorce she was there helping my mom with me. I was a troubled teen. I had lost my way. I am a work in progress.

Life is always changing. I hope that I can grow spiritually with all the passages that happen in life.