Post Script . . . Spirituality and Death

I Spent time with my grandfather today. I did post a bit of sentiment on Facebook:

It's a raw emotional moment. Just need to express in words. Heading back to South Carolina. I spent six hours with my grandfather. It could very well be the last time I see him. He has cancer in several of his organs and lymph nodes. He battled lung cancer years back. He was confused and very short of breath. I'm glad he knew who mom and I were. Families can become dysfunctional for whatever reasons. Mine was less than par. Still. I would not throw him away no matter how he might have acted. No matter how I felt about him. He is still family. I will stand up. I will give him dignity and peace. I will ask God to take him with my heart in tow. I will remember catching lightning bugs at my grandparent's house during the good times of my young childhood. I love him in all of my heart. Forgiveness. Sorrow. Blessed. He is 80. Blessed. No matter what life brings us. No matter what our family situation is, there is blessing in something. I may not see it now, I will in time. You will see it in your life. In my sorrow, I hope that you all see blessings in your life. They are there. God bless you. My family. My friends.

As mom and I drove back from Taccoa, I have a wave of emotion come over me. I wanted to move back to Lavonia. I’m not sure if I am holding on to the memories of my youth. The urge was fleeting as we got on the interstate to head back home. I remember seeing my parents, grandparents, and my uncle sitting around the table at my grandparents’ house when I was a child. I wanted to live in my grandfather’s house and have a garden in the back yard. I want to hold on to that part of my life that was positive and much freedom. It was before I had to struggle and survive. I am a strong woman because of my grandmother and mother. My childhood was not horrible. After my uncle died, the turmoil began. So deeply fast and furious.

I see a lot of spiritual growth in years past. I am still a work in progress. I still am finding my way in this chaotic world. I feel as though I am a puzzle piece that never fits. How can that be? How has God created such a person that pulls from everywhere and fit nowhere? It is such questions that may never be answered until I meet my maker. 

I see a lot of spiritual growth in years past. I am still a work in progress. I still am finding my way in this chaotic world. I feel as though I am a puzzle piece that never fits. How can that be? How has God created such a person that pulls from everywhere and fit nowhere? It is such questions that may never be answered until I meet my maker. 

I am a flower child. A hippie. I am not the drugs or sexuality that was prevalent during the 1960s and 1970s. I do not live the modern way of life. I do not want to. I want to feel nature and understand the spiritualities outside the normal modern world.

When one life ends, a new one begins.

Spirtuality and Death

I have learned that my grandfather on my father's side has cancer. It is late stage and ha spread to other organs. The doctor says he has six months if that long. He is not doing well right now. I had planned on going to see him, it did not turn out that way today.

I am not sure how I feel on this grave matter.  I feel sorrow for his suffering. He had become an asshole for most of my life. I do not wish to dump him in a grave and leave him. He deserves better than that at least. I would not do that to my father as well even when he became an asshole, too.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. I hated him for years for the way he treated my mother and I. My grandfather always acted like my father did nothing wrong. I have learned to forgive my father to resolve my inner turmoil. I needed to find inner peace, balance, and personal growth. I could never move on with my own spiritual life with all the turmoil within.

My father and grandfather broke that family bond with me a long time ago. It can never be restored. I will not kick neither of them into a shallow grave and leave them be. Karma is a nasty bitch. I would rather their soul be rested as their shell of a body lay in respect instead of being haunted by their unrestful souls.

I do not want to see him suffering. I nee to let him know I came to see him before he passes on. I hope his soul has not left yet. I watched mama suffer for a long time before she passed on. I knew in the end she was already gone.

My grandmother (on my father's side) and my mom raised me. Even before my parent's divorce she was there helping my mom with me. I was a troubled teen. I had lost my way. I am a work in progress.

Life is always changing. I hope that I can grow spiritually with all the passages that happen in life.

Physical Pain

As I do not talk about my health, I will share a post now as it is taking over quite furiously as of late.

I ended up in the emergency room last week. I was in a lot of general pain. I've spoken out about being in a very mild pain for a while. I found out I have a urinary tract infection and myalgia which means muscle pain. I was not thoroughly looked at when I was in the ER.

I have spoken out at the medical office I have been going to for a long time now. I have been doing a little bit of  research of late until I can find a doctor's office to make a new patient appointment.

I have a lot of symptoms:

Joint pain --> particularly in the hands and knees. The hands are a bit more severe.

Muscle pain --> generalized in the legs and back area with  the front of my legs being more severe.

Fatigue --> Generalized all over

Loss of appetite --> Most days

Allergies --> Stuffy nose, watery eyes, sneezing

Sensitivity to cold --> Cold makes my muscle pain worse, rather be in hot car I feel better

Brain fog --> Can't focus, concentrate, blue moods, high anxiety

Stiffness --> particularly when I've been standing or sitting too long

Sleep --> restless sleep, allergies

Legs --> restless when I'm trying to relax, urge to move them for no reason


Strong possible conditions:

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Fibromyalgia
Hypothyroidism
Rheumatoid Arthritis

It has gotten worse over the last three months since I have promoted to department manager over frozen and dairy. Worse to the point of me going to the emergency room being to the point of crying. I'm usually not this sensitive to pain. I've been pretty good about tolerating pain.

Tranquility

In my many years, I have felt myself mature in many ways outside of the box. I do grow old as everyone else, just not easily. As with my previous post entitled “Empath”, I am a bit different than most.

I sit outside. I use my sensory abilities to find some inner peace outside of the city.  The city is too busy with too many things happening all at once.

Nature provides a much quieter sensory perception that I require. I see birds and squirrels foraging for food. I hear the birds chirp. I feel the wind and sun on my skin. I smell the freshly cut grass and the freshly bloomed flowers. The sun’s rays are different hues during the day. 

The depth of color changes with the seasons. The depths of color changes with the seasons. Green is a brighter shade during spring. It changes to a deeper hue during spring and summer. Fall brings many browns and reds that are exquisite. The mountains are the best areas to see the colors change. The sun changes its depth during fall. Just exquisite color during each season. Most people do not notice the changes like that. Nature gets taken for granted.

My heart hurts for people and animals that are in emotional and physical pain. I want to help people. There is beauty in tragedy (me). My heart is genuinely good. There is no switch that can be flipped. No on and off switch. Why?

I frequently ask why I never truly fit in. No cliques. No social groups. I float in this world. I am a hippie. A rocker. A loving and caring person. A strong woman.

I am overloaded with multi-tasking and setting goals that are too high for myself. I expect better of myself and fail. I constantly push against the grain of indifference. People cannot see or accept what is different. 

Tranquility and peace is what I seek in others and in life. Life can fulfill my desire. People cannot adequately fill the need. I want to find what happiness is. I want to define my own happiness. 

I play a CD of ocean waves. I envision myself sitting in a canoe drifting along the river. A cool breeze helps the waves move me along. The sun is setting in the west. The depths of the sun’s color is gorgeous. The birds are very vocal. Tranquility.

Empath

I have discovered a word that can utterly describe me: empathic.

I always thought I was too sensitive wearing my heart on my sleeve. It is not something that affects everyone. Just a small percentage of the population is and some may not even know it.

There are several traits or signs that may be linked to being an empath.

1. People point out that you may be too sensitive or overly emotional.
2. You feel others feelings before they say anything.
3. Negativity overwhelms you even to the point of physical pain.
4. Being in a crowded place overwhelms you.
5. You have a strong intuition.
6. You are more sensitive to pain (low tolerance).
7. You must have some alone time without too much sensory input.
8. You avoid negative images (news or events).
9. You can easily tell when someone is lying.
10. You are more sensitive to stimulants or medications (example: caffeine).
11. You tend to have symptoms of other people.
12. You may have lower back and digestive issues.
13. You are a dumping ground of others' problems.
14. You are more fatigued.
15. You have a very vibrant inner life.
16. You are sensitive to sounds and sensory feelings.
17. You don't like too many things at once.
18. You manage your environment.
19. You do not like narcissists.
20. You can almost feel the days of the week, months, or seasons.
21. You are a great listener.
22. You get bored easily.

Thanks to www.liveboldandbloom.com for the information!

As I have noticed in my many years, when I try to turn these traits off, I can get mean. I can be on the offensive when I try to protect myself. I get hurt too often even from people I trust. I seem to be more aware of life outside of the life of people.

Composure

I may not be right, I'm gonna tell it like I see it.

I had a talk with Thomas today about things that I may do to get the help I need to fix my departments. I will take his advice to make sure that my voice is heard.

In the end, if things don't go right, I can say that I tried. I will begin tomorrow to talk with the co-manager to get the ball rolling. I need to make some notes today.

My sinuses are bothering me. I was wondering when I would start getting sick. I started to feel sick yester evening. I may end up going to the doctor. If I can ever get there. I have the weekend off and no weekday. Great. I'm gonna let them know that I may end up at the doctor if I don't get better.

I am tired and cold. I plan on keeping up with my blog. It has been hit or miss lately.

Bat Shit Crazy

Ok. I should always keep my composure at work. I've been on edge for a few weeks now. I've been living in the moment a lot. I mean way too much. Too much going on.

My mind races at ninety miles an hour every day. I can't turn it off. There is no off switch ok?! My anxiety has been high. I have been having trouble trying to fix the broken frozen and dairy department. I transferred from the market to a supercenter. I'm back at a supercenter.

I am gonna back track for a few moments here. I worked at the market for a few months.  I always felt the store manager did not like me. I always heard him talking to other people freely. I had to be the first to speak before he even spoke a word to me. It's fine. Whatever floats his boat I reckon. I am done with that store and his chip that's on his shoulder. I took the high road and did not get so emotionally obsessed about it. I tend to do that. There was not a lot to do after everything was done. I let the other associate know the she rocked! I also let the new girl know that she will do fine with that job. I am genuinely happy she has something new to learn. I hope she does well in  the cash office.

Now back to the present. I knew I was walking into a mess with this new job. It seems that they sugar coated some of the mess. Ok. Fine. Whatever. Now give me the resources to fix it already. Don't make me keep hitting a brick wall. I will find a way to bypass it. I'm resourceful and a survivor. The only thing you can fire me for is being too damn good so bring it on!

I walked in to a bat shit crazy event today. Overnight there was a cleaning crew that was supposed to clean the bottom shelves of my side counters. They did a half ass job. There was dirty water still on the shelves. It smelled like a fishy wet dog in my dairy department. I had 14 grocery carts in the meat department. Can anyone say cross contamination? That should not happen. Period. I have zero tolerance for anything being in the meat department even though it is NOT my department. The grocery carts are a violation of policy and compliance. I have zero tolerance for that as well. There is no reason why people couldn't have used the other carts. Lazy is what it is. If they needed the product pulled, I would have gotten my associates to help pull it. Stupid.

I have slim help. One of my associates quit. Didn't bother to show up even though it was his last week. Really? Whatever. Another associate may get pulled to third AGAIN! That leaves me with two associates.

I get the scoop that people can pass the drug test or background check. WTF is wrong with people knowing that they are going for a job interview and possible a drug test. I mean, you can't stay the hell off drugs long enough to pass a drug test knowing that you may get called in for an interview at any time. That is stupid. It seems to be an epidemic of a disease called stupidity. It's not humanity I hate, it's the stupidity rampage that is sweeping  the world!

I managed to get the shelves cleaned with the help of other associates with whom I thanked so greatly for helping me. They did not have to. I am blessed. My morning was pretty much screwed.

That is life.