Tranquility

In my many years, I have felt myself mature in many ways outside of the box. I do grow old as everyone else, just not easily. As with my previous post entitled “Empath”, I am a bit different than most.

I sit outside. I use my sensory abilities to find some inner peace outside of the city.  The city is too busy with too many things happening all at once.

Nature provides a much quieter sensory perception that I require. I see birds and squirrels foraging for food. I hear the birds chirp. I feel the wind and sun on my skin. I smell the freshly cut grass and the freshly bloomed flowers. The sun’s rays are different hues during the day. 

The depth of color changes with the seasons. The depths of color changes with the seasons. Green is a brighter shade during spring. It changes to a deeper hue during spring and summer. Fall brings many browns and reds that are exquisite. The mountains are the best areas to see the colors change. The sun changes its depth during fall. Just exquisite color during each season. Most people do not notice the changes like that. Nature gets taken for granted.

My heart hurts for people and animals that are in emotional and physical pain. I want to help people. There is beauty in tragedy (me). My heart is genuinely good. There is no switch that can be flipped. No on and off switch. Why?

I frequently ask why I never truly fit in. No cliques. No social groups. I float in this world. I am a hippie. A rocker. A loving and caring person. A strong woman.

I am overloaded with multi-tasking and setting goals that are too high for myself. I expect better of myself and fail. I constantly push against the grain of indifference. People cannot see or accept what is different. 

Tranquility and peace is what I seek in others and in life. Life can fulfill my desire. People cannot adequately fill the need. I want to find what happiness is. I want to define my own happiness. 

I play a CD of ocean waves. I envision myself sitting in a canoe drifting along the river. A cool breeze helps the waves move me along. The sun is setting in the west. The depths of the sun’s color is gorgeous. The birds are very vocal. Tranquility.

Empath

I have discovered a word that can utterly describe me: empathic.

I always thought I was too sensitive wearing my heart on my sleeve. It is not something that affects everyone. Just a small percentage of the population is and some may not even know it.

There are several traits or signs that may be linked to being an empath.

1. People point out that you may be too sensitive or overly emotional.
2. You feel others feelings before they say anything.
3. Negativity overwhelms you even to the point of physical pain.
4. Being in a crowded place overwhelms you.
5. You have a strong intuition.
6. You are more sensitive to pain (low tolerance).
7. You must have some alone time without too much sensory input.
8. You avoid negative images (news or events).
9. You can easily tell when someone is lying.
10. You are more sensitive to stimulants or medications (example: caffeine).
11. You tend to have symptoms of other people.
12. You may have lower back and digestive issues.
13. You are a dumping ground of others' problems.
14. You are more fatigued.
15. You have a very vibrant inner life.
16. You are sensitive to sounds and sensory feelings.
17. You don't like too many things at once.
18. You manage your environment.
19. You do not like narcissists.
20. You can almost feel the days of the week, months, or seasons.
21. You are a great listener.
22. You get bored easily.

Thanks to www.liveboldandbloom.com for the information!

As I have noticed in my many years, when I try to turn these traits off, I can get mean. I can be on the offensive when I try to protect myself. I get hurt too often even from people I trust. I seem to be more aware of life outside of the life of people.

Composure

I may not be right, I'm gonna tell it like I see it.

I had a talk with Thomas today about things that I may do to get the help I need to fix my departments. I will take his advice to make sure that my voice is heard.

In the end, if things don't go right, I can say that I tried. I will begin tomorrow to talk with the co-manager to get the ball rolling. I need to make some notes today.

My sinuses are bothering me. I was wondering when I would start getting sick. I started to feel sick yester evening. I may end up going to the doctor. If I can ever get there. I have the weekend off and no weekday. Great. I'm gonna let them know that I may end up at the doctor if I don't get better.

I am tired and cold. I plan on keeping up with my blog. It has been hit or miss lately.

Bat Shit Crazy

Ok. I should always keep my composure at work. I've been on edge for a few weeks now. I've been living in the moment a lot. I mean way too much. Too much going on.

My mind races at ninety miles an hour every day. I can't turn it off. There is no off switch ok?! My anxiety has been high. I have been having trouble trying to fix the broken frozen and dairy department. I transferred from the market to a supercenter. I'm back at a supercenter.

I am gonna back track for a few moments here. I worked at the market for a few months.  I always felt the store manager did not like me. I always heard him talking to other people freely. I had to be the first to speak before he even spoke a word to me. It's fine. Whatever floats his boat I reckon. I am done with that store and his chip that's on his shoulder. I took the high road and did not get so emotionally obsessed about it. I tend to do that. There was not a lot to do after everything was done. I let the other associate know the she rocked! I also let the new girl know that she will do fine with that job. I am genuinely happy she has something new to learn. I hope she does well in  the cash office.

Now back to the present. I knew I was walking into a mess with this new job. It seems that they sugar coated some of the mess. Ok. Fine. Whatever. Now give me the resources to fix it already. Don't make me keep hitting a brick wall. I will find a way to bypass it. I'm resourceful and a survivor. The only thing you can fire me for is being too damn good so bring it on!

I walked in to a bat shit crazy event today. Overnight there was a cleaning crew that was supposed to clean the bottom shelves of my side counters. They did a half ass job. There was dirty water still on the shelves. It smelled like a fishy wet dog in my dairy department. I had 14 grocery carts in the meat department. Can anyone say cross contamination? That should not happen. Period. I have zero tolerance for anything being in the meat department even though it is NOT my department. The grocery carts are a violation of policy and compliance. I have zero tolerance for that as well. There is no reason why people couldn't have used the other carts. Lazy is what it is. If they needed the product pulled, I would have gotten my associates to help pull it. Stupid.

I have slim help. One of my associates quit. Didn't bother to show up even though it was his last week. Really? Whatever. Another associate may get pulled to third AGAIN! That leaves me with two associates.

I get the scoop that people can pass the drug test or background check. WTF is wrong with people knowing that they are going for a job interview and possible a drug test. I mean, you can't stay the hell off drugs long enough to pass a drug test knowing that you may get called in for an interview at any time. That is stupid. It seems to be an epidemic of a disease called stupidity. It's not humanity I hate, it's the stupidity rampage that is sweeping  the world!

I managed to get the shelves cleaned with the help of other associates with whom I thanked so greatly for helping me. They did not have to. I am blessed. My morning was pretty much screwed.

That is life.

Ipod Touch 5th generation

I am beginning to use my Ipod Touch 5th generation.

I am reluctant to upgrade my technology. I want simplicity. Nothing fancy or difficult. I don't care to combine everything into one device. If I need something, I will find a way to purchase it. I need a new M3 player because my old one is fizzling out on me.

I am using a new computer and new MP3 player. I feel overwhelmed and very frustrated. It's not simple anymore. I have trouble navigating through the computer. I have to take an extra step to import my CDs to my ITunes library.

The MP3 player has too much stuff on it. I already have a smartphone to use many of the apps that is on the Ipod. I need to delete the apps if I can.

I am not a fan of Apple to start with. I tried the Ipad. I didn't like it. I got rid of it after a few weeks. I prefer android devices. The IOS system is not simple as I need it to be.

I will give the Ipod Touch a while after I import my songs. If  I don't grow old typing this blog while waiting for each CD.

Good Deeds

I had a good day yesterday.

After I got off work, I swung by Wal-Mart to pick up my mom's prescriptions. I shopped for a few items as well. I completed my purchases, loaded up the car, and put my buggy up. I saw an elderly woman with a buggy full of stuff.

I asked her if she needed any help. I unloaded her items into her van. She insisted on giving me money for helping her. I insisted that it wasn't necessary for her to do that. I walked to my car. Before I could crank my car, she came up to my car. I kept insisting that it wasn't necessary to give me anything. She gave mew a few dollars.

I helped her because I wanted to not expecting anything in return. She kept insisting on giving me something. I didn't want anything. I helped her because it was the right thing to do. I still have the money and do not want it.

There are still good people in the world. those people will help with no expectations of receiving anything tangible in return. I need to be better at helping out others. 

Deep wounds and Life's changes

Changes are abound all around me. So is sorrow and loss. In the midst of becoming department manager, I feel abound by sorrow.

My two wonderful people whom I have worked with are floating away. One is headed south; a cloud hangs over the other. Of course, she kept us three close. Now, not so much a close fit anymore. These two are my anchor. I can bounce work things and my heart off of them without a blink.

My life has always been about changes. Living arrangements. Relationships. Schools. Whatever it was, I rolled with it. I adapted. I'm a chameleon of life. Whatever life brings to me.

This is one of those times when I want to beg life not to make this change. Panic sets in. Panic and I go way back like an old friend. It's an old wound that always hurts when it rains.
I think my gut was telling me to hold on to the roller coaster ride, not to take the job I'm leaving.

As I get older, I am well aware of the changes within me. Biologically. Spiritually. Emotionally.  I am no closer to having kids. May never will. That wound will never heal. It is what I want deep down. It's my nature to be a loving mother. To be able to birth children. How can I do that when I can't even find any guys to hang out with.

My life seems to be back on track to some zen place. I have to work harder to find that place. To work on what ails me and heal these wounds. I need to allow the scars to heal completely.


Thoughts?!?!?!