Facebook

I've posted a lot on Facebook lately. I think I will try to combine a bunch of my posts here.

January 10th

I need to say a few things. To vent out my thoughts and passion. Being philosophical.
I try to leave the drama at home and keep that door closed.
Sometimes I open that door for a reason.

I'm fiercely independent for a reason. I have a heart for a reason. I am one - of - a - kind. Passionate. It's how God made me. If you are my friend, we both are blessed.
Most people don't give a @$#&*. That's the truth of our times. Fear is primary!
Well. You can kiss may butt.
I got issues. I'm unique because of it. Even if you don't care, I do.
I go out to places. People are rude. People in a rush. Fast paced life I have a hard time catching up to.
I went to a funeral of someone my mom and I knew.
I guess I just got a lot of thinking going on. Sometimes I wonder if I'm thinking too much. I let the world pass me by cuz I don't need the fast speed. People don't appreciate the little things. People don't observe and take in life. We are blessed to be here. I want to enjoy it.

January 13th

I'm so tired. Stressed. Depressed. Don't wanna get out of bed. Had a bad morning as usual. WTFH! Don't tell me to get over it. So hard to be in public. Feel like saying what I really think.
Gonna keep it to myself. It'll get better. Eventually.

January 15th

I was going through some papers. I came across this poem I wrote a while back. I still think about Robin Williams from time to time. A different way.
Just one day, can I go with no crying?
Ride through this world alone, with my heart.
...

Better to give (to others) than to receive (thy own).
Easy to forget my own pain, eager to ease your hurt.
Busy as a bee, only to fall apart at the seams when I stop.
What can I do now? I can’t stop now.
At a loss as to what my needs are.
I won’t talk anymore, my tears will flow.
I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.
We don’t want that now do we?
I understand other’s pain as mine.
Similar, yet so drastically different!
My knowledge doesn’t ease the pain I bare.
What’s in my heart cannot be fathomed.
Stigma. Why do we have to carry that burden?
Where is your compassion and understanding?
I have passion and strong will. I am unsure of me.
Walk with me even in silence.
Please don’t let me walk alone.
Hold my hand with dignity.
I understand the pain and sorrow better than anyone.
I understand it better than I want to speak of.
It’s hidden away in the darkest corners of our soul.
It’s a place that no one dares to shine a light on.

January 21st
 Let me state some pearls of observation, poetic prose, and wisdom that might apply:

You don't need to check in because if you knew what is really wrong, you won't be friends. You will you not feel the same way again. You might be avoidant.
Here goes it all. It's of a personal business.
...

It was hard enough telling one's business this morning. It came with a lot of tears, fear, and shame for this person.Your opinion means more than anyone elses. I promise you that from my heart. It hurts to keep it inside. Wanted to talk and let it out, no one understands fear and rejection better. The words just won't come out right. Have you ever felt like wondering why the hell you woke up this morning? Bad thing to say, I've heard it more than I want to. Why do people say it? I can guess. Why does it seem that a lot of people seem to not know what that really means!!!

Let's see what it amounts to. I see sorrow, sadness, fear, and other things that cause a lot of shame which causes a beating around the bush way of being honest with friends. If it seems that you are being pushed away, probably are. I see an irrational reason for it. Ok. Time to head for the hills.

Now that I've broadcasted business that should have been kept quiet, I will zip my mouth and pray all will be healed. I would recommend drugs. Sorry, all out. Self healing isn't fast enough. It's called being a friend.

I'm out of poetic prose and smartass for the day. I feel so sad now.
This broadcast will end in 3 2 1.

January 23rd

I've been in panic mode and stressed as hell for a few weeks now. Some people have the 4 1 1 on the situation. Some have been silent and some have spoken up. Right now, it's either sink or swim time! I will be at a new store in a new position starting Monday. I've lost my anchor that I had at my old store. Just utterly lost and confused. Apparently on my own now which makes it all the worse inside. The world is coming at me like a bulldozer and I am chained to that damned ol...d brick house. The rain won't stop for one day so I can catch my breathe. Just wish I had stopped one person at the old store long enough to talk and get some advice.

I am a chameleon when it comes to change. I've had to adapt to change a lot growing up. Moving and all kinds of struggles that life brought my mom and I. Why is this different? I think it's from the inside out. Most people don't know my struggles. I keep them close to the chest cuz I've always been strong. Right now, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be.
What I am about to say doesn't affect everyone, just speaking my mind. I've had issues with some people lately, just sayin' cuz they aren't on Facebook (I don't think!).
Ya know, if ya don't want to be my friend, then hit the door fool. I don't need you to try and bring me down. I am a sage, a troubadour. I have introspective and perspective that is spiritually different from other people. I care about people. I try to be considerate to others cuz I know a lot of you have families and people you care about.
I know I've been a bit cryptic in public. People don't need to be knowing everything and talking junk about it. There are a few people that mean a lot to me. Those people I have let in. Betrayal hurts like hell and "those" people know it. That is why I am so cryptic. if you want to talk about it, let me know. I can always use some advice and a different perspective.
If any of you ever need to talk, hit me up and I will be there. By phone, text, internet, or in person. Even through my own personal struggles, I still give a crap about my friends. I don't talk junk. I will hold on to whatever you tell me, I promise from my heart (if it will quit racing!).

Lif ain't always beautiful (Gary Allan)

 

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Emotions Depression

I have a lot of things happen to me over the course of several weeks.

First, my car broke down. It is the water pump. The cheapest quote I got was $600 parts and labor. Mom just could not justify fixing it up again. It has an oil leak. I wanted to get it fixed so bad. Just one more time. Just once more! No. Mom and I did not have the money to fix it.

Well, the new job requires me to be at work at 5 AM. Mom and I had to get up around 3:30 AM so she could drop me off. She would drive up to Charlotte so she could be at work at 7 AM. She would get off around 5 PM and pick me up. Charlotte traffic is hell. It would be as late as 6 or 7, sometimes 8 or 9 by the time she picked me up. Go home and straight to bed. Get up and do the same thing. This lasted about 2 weeks or so.

We shopped around for cars. Cheap cars that would fit into a very limited budget. We are stretched very thin as it is. We found a car, finally. It might possibly have transmission problems. Shit. I am driving it right now until whatever happens. We fix it or it falls apart. I went by the insurance place to switch the insurance over to the new car. About $10 more a month. Not too bad. I have not registered the vehicle yet. I have some time to do that. It is managing okay right now. It shifts hard when it's cold. After it warms up, it does well. I stay on edge all the damn time!

Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have hit close to rock bottom emotionally. I have a hard time talking about it. It is almost as hard writing it.  I hold back my tears as hard as I can. This heart can only hold back so much.

I'm at a point where I have overcome something only to feel the emotions that I should have allowed to flow all through the situation. I can't seem to go a day without tears. I have panic attacks around lunch time. My heart races and I can't breathe. I have a few people I trust, I can't hold back the tears to talk to them.

If I tell them, what will they think of me? Weak? I have the fear that the worst will happen. They will feel uncomfortable around me because they won't know what to do or say. They may avoid me all together. I try to tell myself they won't have to worry because my training is almost over. I or they won't have to worry about it.

I am losing my anchor. I can handle change. What outsiders don't understand is that there is more to the situation that I am keeping hid. I don't want to force my hand to tell my dark secrets.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn't be normal. I've had several attacks over the last several months, the waves have been manageable. I am lucky that I have not needed medication to control them. Now, they are back. The irrational fears that come with attacks are back. It's more me crying than almost passing out like I used to. I do not miss those days at all!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is not "official" because it shows up mostly with my panic attacks. Many of the "symptoms" associated with OCD have become personality quirks that are manageable. Although it does flare up from time to time.  It is not about hand washing which is a common thought when it comes to OCD.

One of the main things that is a part of my OCD is counting and organizing. If I count anything, it is in threes. I organize things in order. If it is chaos to you, I know were everything is at.

I've been suffering from depression a long time. It is mostly situational and is very manageable. It can be serious sometimes. I am blessed that I have never been to a point of suicide. I thank God for that.

I do not have many friends. I have casual friends and acquaintances that I do not trust with my heart. All my family is scattered in Georgia and Alabama. The close friends I have are scattered.

I think Thomas feels sorry for me for not having friends. I have tried to talk to him at work a few times. I don't understand him. He is hot and cold. I can't handle that roller coaster. I know Mrs Barbara will listen to me and let me vent. I can understand to a point that Thomas is a manager and he is my boss. I don't want to get him into trouble for anything that looks like we are "too close" at work. I thought he would at least listen to me vent. I just want to talk. He knows I have a crush on him. I don't want romance or anything like that. I just want a friend. Am I asking too much even as a friend? Probably yes in his eyes. Compassion would be nice.

I just don't know right now. It's been a rough start to the year. I just want to say screw you and stay in bed. I have thought that I never wished I woke up. I know that sounds bad. It is what it is. Just tough. Sometimes you're alone no matter what happens. No matter if you reach out or stay in. It's all the same.

New Job

It has been a good while since I've posted. . Quite a few things have gone on since I posted last.

I work for Wal-Mart. I did two phone interviews for the new Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market that is opening up close to the one I work at. I jumped into a position that I did not ask questions about.

I was offered a position in the accounting office. I did not ask questions. It's a "shoot first and ask questions later" scenerio. Come to find out, there are a few  things that I don't like. The hours are from 5:00 AM to 2:00 PM. The supposed pay raise is only a nickel. A nickel, really!?!?!

I mean, everything has been so disorganized from the get-go. I have no schedule. I mean, I show up when the f*ck I feel up to it. Not! I just hate not clocking in and not having a schedule! What if something happens? Yeah, Wal-Mart will be saying "f**k you" if something happened.

Anyway, I have been training at my store for a month now. My store was closed Christmas! 364 days a year folks. Yep. That's the new era of stores. The new store is supposed to be 24 hours. Woo!

Anyway, I will be going to the new store in a week or two. All this has lead to a lot of personal issues. More on that in a different post.