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I am close to starting a new semester at a new four-year university. Yet, I am saddened. It seemed to have hit me over the last couple of days which it typical for me sometimes.
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My mother just started a new job. She has arthritis in her left leg. She needs surgery for a torn meniscus which is not going to happen due to limited financial means. She is able to work even with a limited use of her knee.
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I have had a lot of anxiety over my oldest cat. It came out of the blue. He started meowing when we got home yesterday evening. There was a stray cat outside which I think our cat knew of! Cats can sense and smell other cats around.
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I am overwhelmed with a sudden sadness that may stem from my ongoing depression. Life is too damn hard sometimes. I just want to crawl into bed and wait till life gets better. I know it is unreasonable to think like that. I feel like crying, everything points to being in a depressed mood.
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I am not talking about some fly-by-night blues that is common among happy people. I never used to like bubbly people - those who are always joyful and have some kinda drug-high that makes you want to vomit.
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I have always been the one who walked alone, never really social. I was the one who was on the edge between happiness and sadness. High School was more of a mundane experience, I am smart, I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. I used to have it, now it has flown away! I am in a total creative block from my former self.
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I fear the risk of loving another because I do not want them to go away. My anxiety is a real concern in this area because I want to have friends and find true happiness. I fear losing my unique style and creative personality. As I get older, I get more anxious! I do not want to be alone and unhappy. I want to travel, and do a lot of things.
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Right now, I am in a funk. I feel a bit of claustrophobia because I can't seem to get my life back on track. Oh well, I just have to let this ride out and go with the flow.
